Her World of Submission

I could easily untie myself, using my other hand, but I was happy enough to sit there and do as I was told. I was tired and my head swam with the enormity of this news.

The entire course of my life could change, the moment I made my decision. If I took this role, it was unlikely that I’d be able to continue with my job at the museum – not that that job was the be-all and end-all, but it was a step on the path I’d laid down for myself at sixteen, when I made my A-Level choices. And I loved history and heritage; had dreamed for years of working in a similar role.

Could I really throw it all up to play a kinky Victorian maid with a spanking stunt double?

It was the same question all over again, the one that kept rearing its head nowadays.

How much was I prepared to give up for Jasper?

I watched him as he pondered over which ornament to place where, making an art of it, as he did with everything. Such fastidiousness, such attention to detail. It was what made him such an amazing lover, such an amazing dom. Nothing was left to chance. Everything was deliberate and planned.

To be honest, I hadn’t yet had to give up anything much for him. Only a crap flat, in order to move in to his exquisite home. Not much of a sacrifice, on the face of it. But then, there were little things that perhaps I’d let go of too easily. I’d failed to cultivate friendships with the museum staff after moving in with Jasper, allowing them to wither on the vine instead. And I really needed to call some of my university friends. I had changed my phone number after the big press incident, and hadn’t got round to telling people what it was now.

I should do it. I should have sent Christmas cards. I should have done a hundred things that got forgotten about because I was far too busy having mind-blowing, body-wracking sex.

And I’d been nervous of contacting them as well. Nervous of what they might think of Jasper, of what advice they might give me. I could face censure, I could face hostility even, but I didn’t think I could face their disappointment in me.

But then, perhaps they would approve. Perhaps they would think it none of their business, or wish me luck with it and hope we might be happy. To cut myself off from all other relationships over fear of a bit of disapproval seemed silly now, especially in this season, when half the world was turning to friends and family in celebration.

I watched Jasper place a star at the top of the tree, having had to climb on a stepstool and tiptoe in order to reach that high.

‘We put an angel at the top of ours,’ I told him.

‘Controversial,’ he said, twisting his neck to raise an eyebrow in my direction.

‘Not really. Because it’s right.’

‘Did you mean for that to sound like fighting talk?’

I shifted on the stair, trying to decide if my bottom was still sore. It wasn’t, not really. Other parts of me, though, were not in such acceptable condition. Probably best not to start a verbal sparring match just now. The angel/star debate could keep.

‘Of course not,’ I said, prim and proper as I could be. ‘’Tis the season to be jolly, after all.’

‘Fa la la la la, la la la la,’ sang Jasper. He had a good singing voice too. He had good everything. It really wasn’t fair.

‘On that subject, I’m thinking of getting back in touch with some friends,’ I told him.

He stepped down from the stool and came to sit beside me on the stairs.

‘Go for it,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think you had any. You’ve never mentioned anyone. Bit strange, I thought, but I didn’t like to ask.’

‘I just … got out of the habit of being social, I suppose. When it was just you and me, here, over the summer, I forgot that anyone or anything else existed.’

‘Mm, so did I,’ he said with a dreamy smile. ‘Bloody wonderful, wasn’t it?’

‘Well, it still is, I hope. And it still can be, even with the outside world mixed in.’

‘Of course.’ He reached over and untied the tinsel from the banister. ‘As long as we’re in the middle of it, together.’

‘Right.’

He took my freed wrist and kissed the inside of it, a gesture that always unleashed ten million fluttery pulses in me. He held it against his cheek, gazing soulfully into my eyes. ‘Will you be honest with your friends? About us?’

‘It’s not really any of their business, but if they ask, then yes.’

‘You might lose a few.’

‘I know. That’s why it’s taken me so long to get the courage up. But I hope at least a couple might understand.’

He kissed the tip of my nose.

‘Brave girl,’ he said. ‘And now, I’ve got calls of my own to make. I’ll be in my office.’

He went off to take care of business and I stood up to give the Christmas tree a full appraisal. It looked glorious, warm and twinkly, like the Christmas tree of my childhood dreams. But I wouldn’t be spending Christmas here with Jasper – I’d be down on the coast with my parents, and he’d be with his mother in East Anglia. It wasn’t going to be easy, but we were going to have our own Christmas the day after Boxing Day and it was going to last all the way into the New Year.

I went back up to the bedroom and found the sim card of my old phone in a dresser drawer. Who would I call first? Stella? No, she was forthright to the point of abrasive. I’d leave her until I’d eased myself in a bit. Who was easy to talk to and undemanding and unjudgemental?

Rosie.

I found her number and dialled it, my fingers slippery over the metal rectangle. I was insanely nervous. I wondered if I’d even be able to talk.

It rang twice and then I heard a kind of gasp on the other end.

‘Oh, my God, Sarah, is it you?’

‘Rosie. I’m really sorry, so sorry, it’s been ages, I know …’

‘You changed your number! I tried and tried to call you.’

‘I know, I’m so sorry, but I was getting calls all day and night on that old number so …’

‘I bet you were!’

I stalled, suddenly aware of how noisy it was at Rosie’s end. She was in a pub or a café or something by the sound of it.

‘Sorry, are you OK to talk now? Are you busy?’

‘Oh, fine,’ she said. ‘Just having a coffee with friends.’

‘Ah, London life,’ I said wistfully.

‘Yeah, it’s brilliant, you’ll have to come up.’

‘I’d love to. Or you could come down here.’

There was another pause.

‘To … Jasper Jay’s place?’ she asked, as if in disbelief.