In This Moment

“Hey, sorry. I’ve been in the meeting. Everything all right? I just saw your missed calls.” He sounds like he’s had a couple drinks, his words soft around the edges, and I wonder exactly where this afternoon’s meeting is taking place.

“Ryan.” I sit hard on the side of the bed, the gel cling in my hand wilting against my fingers. “Just a second,” I say to him, pressing the phone to my chest and looking at Julie. “I’m good. You don’t need to finish that.”

“Are you sure?” she asks. “I still have—” she glances at her watch “—thirty minutes before the kids go ballistic wondering where their dinner is.” She smiles, and I return it.

“I’m sure,” I say. “Thank you, Jules.”

She watches me for a beat, then blows me a kiss. “Always, my friend. Okay, call me later?”

“I will.” I wave as she leaves my bedroom, then put the phone back to my ear.

“Sorry, just saying bye to Julie.”

Ryan gives a low whistle. “You sound rough. Guess you’re not feeling bet—”

“There was a car accident.”

A pause, heavy between us. Then the rush of questions. “What happened? Are you okay? Is Audrey okay? What kind of accident?” His tone now sharp, worried, impatient.

“It wasn’t us. We’re okay.” My tone weak and weary. “But Jack Beckett got hit by a car. Right in—” My throat catches as I try to hold things in, control the flood of emotions. I shake my head and close my eyes against the images of Jack, his jagged shinbone, the nausea bubbling inside my stomach. “Right in front of us.”

“Sam’s brother? Shit. Is he okay? Was Audrey in the car with you? What the hell happened?”

Yes. No. Yes. I’m not entirely sure, but it’s at least partly my fault.

“It was a couple of blocks from the school. I had just picked Audrey up for her appointment, so, yes, she was with me,” I reply. “She’s at Children’s now with Sam.”

“Why is she at Children’s? I thought you said she was okay?”

“She’s fine, Ryan. She wanted to stay with Sam.”

“God, what a nightmare.” Ryan lets out a long breath, and I know he’s imagining what it would be like for Audrey to be the one hurt. But he’s thankfully saved from the images in my head, which are making it difficult to stay upright. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” I say, forcing strength I’m not feeling into my voice. “I’ll fill you in when you get home.”

“Do you want me to come home?” Ryan asks. “I can pick Audrey up on the way.”

“She wants to stay with Sam, at least for now. And I’m fine. You don’t need to come home.” I work hard to make this part sound true, because I realize how much I want to be alone right now.

“I’ll text Audrey and let her know I’m picking her up,” Ryan says, his voice firm.

“Don’t,” I say, too fast. I pause briefly, then decide it needs to be said. “I can tell you’ve been drinking.”

There’s silence on the other end. “I’ve had half a beer, Meg.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean...” I sigh, exhausted, lying back against the pillows and closing my eyes.

“No, I’m sorry.” He sounds frustrated but genuinely apologetic. I’m not even sure what we’re apologizing for at this point.

I turn my head, and a tear drops on to the pillow. “I’ll text you when she’s ready to be picked up, and we’ll figure it out.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, pausing again. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

My body quivers with my need to get off the phone. “Yes. Go back to your meeting.”

He sighs, and I know he’s struggling to decide what to do, despite what I’ve said. “I love you, Meg.”

“Me, too,” I say, then hit End Call.

I feel my fever climbing again, a chill tickling my skin, and give in, folding my sick self under the duvet. I turn up the volume on my phone so I’ll know when Audrey texts, then press my heavy head against the cool pillow. At first all I can see when I close my eyes is Jack Beckett, the aftereffects of the accident, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep. But moments later I fall into a deep slumber.

7 (#u03196365-e241-516a-a543-24cc33d0df3f)

The dream is restless, terrifying, and all I want to do is get away from the scene in front of me. But it isn’t the accident I’m dreaming about—at least not today’s accident.

I’m trembling, my tank top and denim miniskirt soaked and clinging cold to my body. It’s raining and dark—aside from two beams of light that seem to be pointing straight up into the sky. I want to run, to get out of the storm, but as I turn in circles I see wide-open fields, a long and empty road stretched in front of me. It’s then I notice someone, walking on the road toward me. I squint, wipe at my eyes, taste raindrops when I open my mouth to shout to this person. It doesn’t occur to me to be scared. But my body is humming with something...adrenaline, I think, though I can’t sort out why my muscles seem to know something is wrong, but my mind doesn’t.

A few moments later the person is close enough for me to see who it is. Paige Holden. My high school best friend. Relief ripples through me, and I start laughing with release.

“Paige!” But my mouth is full of water, the rain everywhere, and I choke a little. Coughing, I shout again. “Paige!” I’m relieved she’s here, but she doesn’t seem to hear my cries despite being only a few feet away. She’s also soaked to the bone but isn’t doing anything to wipe the steady stream of water running down her face.

I’m about to call her name again when the words die in my throat. She’s stopped walking—too far for me to reach if I stretch my arms as far as they’ll go, but she’s close enough I can see everything, the two streams of light, which I now realize are headlights, illuminating her. Oh. God.

Her blond hair, once so pretty and the envy of most of our friends, is caked with rusty red clumps, the usually bone-straight strands tangled in knots. The rain seems to have done nothing to rid her shirt—which used to be a pretty pale blue eyelet tank—of the dark crimson blotches covering its surface. I suddenly understand all the red is blood, her blood. But it’s her head, specifically the shape of it, that makes my legs give out. I didn’t notice before, the shadows that followed her while she walked toward me hiding it, but now I see what’s missing. The left side of her head—including one beautiful blue eye—is gone. Just...gone.

I wake myself screaming. Taking a few deep breaths I try to calm the rattling inside me, but the image of Paige’s face hovers around the edges of my consciousness, and I think I’m going to be sick.

It has been twenty-eight years since that horrible night, and nearly as many since Paige came to me while I slept.

And now it’s happening again.

* * *

Two days after Ryan slid the engagement ring on my finger—only a week after my twenty-fifth birthday—was when I learned my mom had breast cancer.

Back then we had a weekly, standing dinner with my parents: Sunday night, seven o’clock. A free meal was always welcome as we were broke—Ryan in pre-med at Tufts and me working a front desk job at an orthodontist’s office, my eye on teacher’s college by the fall if we could afford it. Ryan proposed on a Friday evening and though I was bursting to call my mom moments after, I decided to wait until our dinner. So I sat on our exciting news for two days, having no idea my mom was sitting on some news of her own.

We arrived ten minutes early, like always, because for my parents, showing up on time meant you were already late. I wore my engagement ring but kept my hand in my skirt’s pocket when Dad opened the door. He seemed distracted and tired, his face drawn and the buttons on his shirt mismatched by one hole, which was out of character. He was always immaculately dressed, even for a trip to the gas station. But I assumed he was merely work-weary—being a high school principal wasn’t an easy job, teenagers masters at creating drama-fueled challenges—and that mom was too busy getting ready for dinner to notice.

After Dad poured our drinks, Danny, my younger brother, regaled us with stories from middle school, while Mom’s famous black bean and cilantro cream enchiladas warmed in the oven. I couldn’t keep the grin off my face. I was sitting on my left hand, had been careful to keep the ring out of view. A lull in the conversation came, and I opened my mouth to shout the words, “We’re engaged!” when my mom suddenly stood, her small shoulders rolling back and her chin held high.

“I have cancer.”

I don’t remember doing it, but suddenly I was standing as well, facing her. “What?” The word, barely a whisper. My hands shook, the beautiful, if not tiny, cushion-cut diamond ring on my finger forgotten.

A lot happened all at once. Dad started crying. So did I. Danny fetched a box of tissues, seeming more mature than his thirteen years, and pushed them into our hands. Mom assured us, in her best nurse’s no-nonsense tone, she would be fine. Ryan stood beside me and I clutched on to him.

Though Mom’s cancer was advanced, there were decent treatment options. Plenty of people survived cancer these days, so why not Mom, who was tenacious and well-equipped for what lay ahead?