My Perfect Stranger: A hilarious love story by the bestselling author of One Day in December

Lucille nodded. ‘She was. She used her bra as a rope.’

Billy Bobbysocks grinned and skimmed a hand over his artful grey quiff. A loyal lifetime customer of Brylcreem, he still had an impressive head of hair for a man well into his eighties. ‘I rather like the idea of you chained up, my darling. May I be the keeper of the keys?’

Mimi’s dark eyes sparkled at her beau as Honey cleared her throat. It was a few days after the news about the possible closure, and Honey had called a campaign meeting now that the shop had shut for the day. They were gathered around the rickety Formica table in the staffroom. So far Honey had noted down Lucille’s suggestion to contact the local paper, and Nell’s idea to involve the residents’ families and organise a protest walk. Tash and Nell had turned up together about ten minutes previously. They’d both been eager to help as soon as they’d heard about the closure threat hanging over the home and the shop. As committees went, it was a decidedly rocky start – three women in their late twenties and three octogenarians; they sounded rather like a joke awaiting its punch line. Billy withdrew a silver hip-flask from his jacket and took a nip.

‘Anyone for brandy?’ he said, waving the bottle around the table at them, shrugging when they all declined and pushing the flask back inside his jacket. Honey’s thoughts automatically strayed to Hal, and the fact that he would have had that flask off Billy in a flash.

‘What do you reckon, Honey?’ Tash said, digging an elbow in her ribs beside her. ‘Honey?’

Honey glanced up at her friend, realising she had no clue what had been said since her mind had wandered into Hal territory.

‘Sorry, what?’

‘Are you even listening? You were miles away.’

Honey chewed the end of her pencil. ‘Mmm. What did I miss?’

‘Lucille just suggested trying to raise the funds to buy the home from the current owners. It’s a long shot, but put it down as an idea anyway.’

A long shot was something of an understatement. ‘Anyone know any lottery winners?’ Honey said as she scribbled on the list. Unsurprisingly, five heads shook around the table.

‘Thought not.’

‘I think Old Don’s son works for the local rag though,’ Billy piped up. ‘He’d be a good one to start with.’ Old Don was one of the home’s most senior residents and his son, in his sixties himself, was a regular visitor. Honey nodded. ‘Will you speak to him, Billy? Maybe ask him to swing by the shop for a chat when he’s here next?’

Billy nodded. ‘Consider it done, my angel.’

‘Anything else, anyone? Any other business?’ Honey said, mostly because it was the thing people seemed to say to conclude meetings on the television. Tash raised her hand.

‘Yes, me please, Miss Jones. What are you wearing for your date with Deano tomorrow night?’

Honey frowned. ‘Tash!’

Nell clapped her hands gleefully. ‘Ooh, Tash told me about this. Your first pianist. I wonder what he’ll be like.’

‘I can play the piano,’ Billy chimed in helpfully, and Honey felt Nell start to laugh under her breath beside her. Lucille and Mimi cast a knowing glance at each other, and then laid a hand each on Billy’s arm.

‘Not this tune you can’t, darling,’ Mimi murmured theatrically as Honey cringed into her chair. If anyone attempted to explain the whole piano man thing to Billy, she was going to die on the spot. How had it happened that almost everyone she knew had become aware of her sexual issue? Hell, it wasn’t even an issue to her anymore, not half as much as it was to everyone else, anyway. Even Hal had seemed incredulous. Hal. What in God’s name had possessed her to tell him about it all? He seemed to transmit tell-me-the-truth vibes through his solid front door like some kind of weird telepathist.

Honey pushed her chair back, signalling the end of the conversation before anyone could say anything more about the issue. Billy helped Lucille and Mimi to their feet, and then offered them each an elbow to escort them out of the back door and across the lawn to the home. The ladies blew kisses at Honey, Tash and Nell as they moved into the doorway and watched them go.

‘Christ, I hope we’re like them when we get to that age,’ Tash said.

Honey laughed fondly. ‘Let’s grow old together disgracefully, girls.’

‘Deffo,’ Tash said, pulling a bottle of red wine from her bag with a grin. ‘Time for a quick one?’

Honey reached for the glass cupboard, but Nell picked up her bag instead.

‘I can’t tonight, ladies, sorry. I need to get home.’

‘You sure Simon can’t hold the fort for just a little longer?’ Honey’s fingers lingered hopefully on the third glass.

‘Umm. It’s not that … we’ve kind of made plans for the evening.’

Both Honey and Tash turned to look at Nell; there had been a strange inflection to her words.

‘It’s not your anniversary, is it?’ Honey was sure it was too early in the year for that.

‘And it’s not your birthday …’ Tash added, raising her eyebrows at Nell. ‘What’s going on, Nellie?’

Pink spots appeared in Nell’s cheeks and she shrugged lightly. ‘Nothing really,’ she murmured. ‘We just fancied a bit of an early night.’ She glanced down at her shiny shoes and then back up again with wide, almost innocent eyes.

‘An early night?’ Tash said slowly. ‘As in you and Simon have already made plans to get down and dirty tonight? Simon’s just gone up in my estimation.’

Honey sloshed wine into a glass and thrust it into Nell’s hands, sensing from Nell’s coyness that there was something juicier to this story. ‘A very quick one,’ she muttered, pouring wine into the other glasses and handing one to Nell.

‘What gives, Nell?’ Tash wheedled as they all perched around the table with their glasses in their hands. Nell sat tight-lipped and looked slowly from Honey to Tash and then back again, and after a moment she reached for her big leather satchel and flipped it open. Honey strongly suspected that they were about to see a positive pregnancy test. Nell had gone all glowy and excitable. She was very, very wrong. Nell didn’t pull a pregnancy test from her bag. She pulled out a metallic vibrator instead. Both Tash and Honey gasped out loud at the unexpectedness of the item in Nell’s perfectly french-manicured hand.

‘He gave me this before he went to work this morning!’ Nell squeaked, breathless and bright eyed. ‘Straight after his organic muesli!’

Honey started to laugh and put her hand over her mouth.

‘I told him a couple of days ago about that store we went into the other day, you know, the sex shop? Well, we’d had a couple of drinks, and I might have given him the idea that … anyway.’ She waved the vibrator around. ‘This. This is the reason I have to get home.’ She looked like someone about to throw themselves off a bungee platform, terrified and elated all at once. She placed the vibrator down and took a huge swig of wine in the style of a parched person.

‘Go Simon,’ Tash murmured. ‘You do know what to do with this thing, right?’

Nell shot Tash a look. ‘I think we can work it out.’

‘I wonder what else he bought from the store? Brace yourself, Nell,’ Honey grinned.

Nell’s eyes opened wide. ‘I hadn’t thought of that.’

‘Maybe you should have bought those pretty purple beads after all,’ Tash laughed at Nell’s screwed-up nose.

Nell shook her head and then reached into her huge bag again, this time pulling out a fancy paper bag. ‘I nipped into town at lunchtime and got these. Thought I might, you know, be a bit more daring, seeing as how Simon has too.’

She reached into the bag and withdrew a boned demi-cup bra, ethereal wisps of black French lace stitched around the edge with pale pink ribbon. Matching briefs, barely there and black, followed the bra from the bag, along with a suspender belt and seamed stockings.

‘Are they crotchless?’ Tash asked, gesturing towards the briefs with her wine glass and earning herself a frown from Nell.

‘No they are not!’

Honey touched the expensive lace, knowing that despite the presence of a crotch, the underwear was still quite a departure for Nell. ‘They’re gorgeous,’ she said. ‘Simon is going to think all of his birthdays have come at once when he sees you in this lot.’

‘You think so?’ Nell said, exposing the vulnerability beneath her excitement.

‘Er, hello?’ Tash said. ‘He’ll be like a schoolboy who found his dad’s dirty mag!’