A Family for Christmas

This morning Rachel had clung to her, so leaving her behind with a stranger had been impossible. With no clear alternative, Maggie had brought her along to the hospital. Ed was now ensconced with Rachel in a waiting room.

“I want Mommy and Daddy. Where are they?” Mickey demanded.

Maggie let only a tiny sound of distress pass her lips, but Trent twisted in his seat and looked at her. His startling blue eyes were so filled with pain and confusion that it nearly broke her already shattered heart into even more pieces.

What do I say? those beloved eyes shouted at her.

Praying for the right words, Maggie walked in and stood behind Trent. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he stiffened. Maggie almost removed it, but after a few seconds he seemed to lean into her touch as if he needed her as much as she did him at that moment.

“Mickey,” she said.

The child’s eyes sought hers. “Aunt Maggie, do you know where Mommy and Daddy are?”

Trent moved closer, dropping to one knee near the head of the bed. His height allowed him the same vantage point he’d had before, and he kept hold of Mickey’s hand. Maggie settled into the hard plastic chair Trent had vacated.

“Do you? Do you know where they are?” he asked again.

Maggie nodded, and she saw Trent squeeze Mickey’s hand even more tightly. “Do you remember anything about the accident at all?” she asked.

“I woke up from the ambulance noise. Some man was strapping me into a hard bed thing. Rachel was crying and so was Grace.”

“A very big truck hit the van while you were sleeping. Everybody but Rachel was hurt. I heard Uncle Trent explaining that you can’t feel your legs because your back was injured. Daniel’s head is hurt but he’s doing fine. Grace was cut by glass and she’s doing “fine, too. But Mommy and Daddy were in the front of the van where the truck smashed into you. They were both hurt very badly, and the doctors just couldn’t help them. Honey, Mommy and Daddy have gone to heaven to be with Jesus.”

Tears filled Mickey’s eyes and poured out. His lower lip trembled. “When Pop-Pop Morris went to heaven, I could never see him again. They can’t come back to see me either, can they?”

“No honey, but they’ll be watching you and you’ll always have them right here,” she promised, laying her hand over Mickey’s heart. “We have to think of what’s best for them even though we miss them so very much that it makes us hurt. Because you see, they were both in such terrible pain that Jesus came to take them to heaven where they wouldn’t hurt anymore.”

“Do you think that before Jesus came for them they were as scared as I was ‘til Uncle Trent came to see me?”

Maggie’s eyes met Trent’s. “Oh, yes. But hurt and scared as your daddy was, he was more worried about you children. The last thing he did here on earth was to make sure the doctors knew to take care of all of you, and to call us.”

“Aunt Maggie, is it all right for me to be sad? I’m glad Jesus came for them, but I’m still sad.”

“Yes, honey. That’s just fine. I’m sad sometimes and miss my daddy. But I know Pop-Pop Morris would never want me to stay sad all the time.”

“I’m still scared, too. Who’s going to take care of us now? Who’s going to be our mommy and daddy?”

Maggie smiled, hoping to reassure the child, though all she felt was turmoil and conflict. “We will. Daddy and Mommy made us your guardians. That’s a big lawyer word that means Uncle Trent and I will always be here for you.”

Mickey’s eyes sought out Trent and his hand came up to pat Trent’s cheek. “Thank you for guarding me, Uncle Trent.” Mickey’s big brown eyes blinked, then closed.

Maggie waited a few moments. “He’s asleep, Trent,” she whispered. “Ed wants to talk to both of us.”

Trent let go of Mickey’s hand and stood. He looked down at her, his eyes angry. “That’s fine. But we’d better get a few things straight between us first.”

He turned and stalked to the hall. He was hurting, she reminded herself. Trent always processed hurt into anger. She’d never understood why until meeting his parents. They’d never react to something so subtle as hurt feelings. Hurt was something one was expected not to show, to get over alone and then to forget. However cold anger or righteous indignation were acceptable reactions.

Maggie took a deep breath and prayed for guidance, then stood and followed her husband into the hall.

“You did a great job with him,” Trent said. “I didn’t have a clue how to explain about Mike and Sarah. Thank you.”

“No thanks necessary. I just said what I believe and what Michael and Sarah would have wanted him to hear.”

“You were doing fine until you promised him we’d both be there for him. You know that isn’t the way it’s going to be.”

“No. I don’t know that. My name is on those guardianship papers, too. And I have no intention of stepping out of their lives when they need me so much. Any of their lives. Really, Trent, what do you propose we do? Split them up? You take the boys and I’ll take the girls? Increase their loss? Or are you prepared to care for four heartbroken children all by yourself?”

“It isn’t you who’ll be stepping out of their lives. It’ll be me. I’ve told you. I won’t be a father to children who aren’t mine. You left me because I wouldn’t adopt.”

“And I was wrong. I hurt you and I’m sorry, but this is different You love them already.”

“But not like a father would.”

“Michael entrusted you with the most precious gift God ever gave him. His children. How can you turn your back on them? Michael’s children. These kids are your own flesh and blood.”

Trent flinched. “Maggie, we’ve been down this route before.”

“But you love these kids. I’ve seen you with them.”

“You’ve seen an uncle, not a father. I’ll never care for them the way a father should. I know that about myself. Just believe me. Finally. Listen to me!”

Maggie stood in a state of complete shock as Trent marched off down the hall. So many thoughts rushed through her head that she had to steady herself by leaning against the wall. Had that been fear she’d just seen in his eyes? Was it that Trent didn’t want to try loving another person’s child, or was he afraid he couldn’t? But if that were the case, wouldn’t he have explained that to her rather than let his stubborn stand on adoption cause the end of their marriage?

She walked back to the waiting room, still trying to make sense of Trent’s anger. The real reason for his anger was usually something other than whatever appeared to be the cause. She tried to step back from the situation and consider what might be going on in his head, but found she was too close to it.

Trent was an adult, though, and would have to deal with his own problems on his own. He’d said often enough in the past three months that he didn’t want her in his life. She’d have to take him at his word. The children were all that mattered now. She had just been handed the job of single-handedly supplying security for four helpless lives. And Trent had certainly made it clear that he had no intention of sharing that burden.

Deep in thought, she wove her way through the solarium and stood before the glass wall of windows at the far side. She looked unseeingly up at the heavens, trying to come to terms with all that had happened. Trent’s brother was dead. Her best friend Sarah was gone, as well. And their beloved children—their gifts from God, as Sarah and Michael had always called them—were now Maggie’s responsibility. Alone.

“Aunt Maggie?”

Maggie turned from the windows and met Rachel’s troubled gaze. “Yes, pumpkin?”

“I feel sad. I keep thinking Mommy and Daddy are still here. Then I remember the accident.”

“It’ll be that way for all of us, for a while but it will get better and those bad memories will fade.”

“Mommy looked different after the accident happened. Really different. I think the policeman told me a lie. She didn’t look like she was asleep the way he said. Mommy and Daddy aren’t asleep, are they? Being in heaven’s not like asleep, is it?”

Maggie struggled for the right words, then remembered the service when her father had died and Jim Dillon’s explanation of death to the children. Rachel had been a toddler then, so she wouldn’t remember. Digging in her purse, Maggie found the peanuts she’d been given on the plane. “See this?” Rachel nodded. “Can you open it?” Rachel took a peanut and studiously opened it. “Now eat it. Chew it all up and swallow it,” Maggie instructed, then took the empty peanut shell and fit it back together. “It looks the same but something’s different, isn’t it? What’s different?” she asked.

“It’s empty now.” Her golden brown eyes were serious.

“That’s why Mommy looked so different. Because what you saw was like her shell. What Mommy really was—the really important part of her—was on the inside. Just like the peanut. Where’s the peanut now?”

“In my tummy.”

“That’s right. The peanut is inside you. And so are Mommy and Daddy. All the things they were, and did with you, and all that happiness and love, are tucked right inside of you. And that can make you stronger. Just like the peanut nourishes your body, Mommy and Daddy’s memory can nourish your soul All you have to do is close your eyes and remember a happy time. Let’s try it right now. Close your eyes and tell me what you see.”