Trust Works: Four Keys to Building Lasting Relationships

“Yeah, stress at work, chaos at home. I’m between a rock and a hard place!” he said with a laugh. “Thanks for listening, honey. I certainly need this weekend to decompress.”

A Matter of Perception (#ulink_f6f3ec25-9720-5453-b2c5-f00ff68e071c)

That night the animals gathered at midnight as planned. Sitting high on his perch, Presley began the proceedings.

“The status quo cannot continue,” the parrot said. “There must be peace and harmony among all of us, or there will be great sorrow for each of us.”

The animals were silent. They knew that Presley spoke the truth.

“First,” said the parrot, “the two of you”—here he looked at the dog and cat—“must learn to get along.”

“Impossible,” said Whiskers, licking her paws. “Woof simply cannot be trusted. He nearly bit my head off today!”

“You nearly clawed my eyes out today!” Woof protested.

“After you crushed my tail!” Whiskers yowled.

“I didn’t mean to!” Woof cried, jumping to his feet.

Whiskers arched her back and hissed loudly.

“STOP!” squawked the parrot. “Keep it down, or we’ll all be thrown out!”

“You see?” said Whiskers. “Dogs cannot be trusted. Everyone knows that. There’s no point in further discussion.” With that she turned and left the room.

Woof sank onto the carpet and put his head on his paws.

“I didn’t mean to upset Whiskers,” the dog said. “I never do. It’s all a misunderstanding, I swear.”

Harriet the hamster, who had been silently running on her wheel, spoke up.

“Misunderstanding or not, we’re all going to get kicked out of here if you two can’t get along.”

Woof looked to the parrot. “How can I get along with Whiskers when she won’t even try to trust me?” he implored.

The parrot closed his eyes, going deep within for the answer. When at last he opened his eyes again, he said:

“Trust is a matter of perception.”

“What do you mean?” asked Woof.

“I mean that what looks like perfectly acceptable behavior to you makes Whiskers wary—and vice versa. For example, Woof, when you think about the word trust, who or what comes to mind?”

The dog thought for a moment.

“I think about Kylie, because she puts food in my bowl every evening.”

The parrot turned to the hamster. “Do you associate Kylie with trustworthiness?” he asked.

“Heavens, no!” said Harriet. “The last time Kylie played with me she tried to put me in doll’s clothing! I associate trust with Mrs. Berryhill, who fills my water and cleans my cage when Kylie forgets to.”

“So you see,” said the parrot to the dog, “trust means different things to different people. If you and Whiskers are going to get along, you’re going to have to find out how to earn each other’s trust.”

“What do you think I can say to earn Whiskers’s trust?” Woof asked.

The parrot pondered the dog’s question for a moment.

“Once you’ve lost someone’s trust, it takes time to earn it back,” said the parrot. “You must demonstrate you are trustworthy not only through your words but also through your actions.”

“What kind of actions?” asked the dog.

“Actions that show you’ve mastered the ABCDs of trust,” said the parrot.

“ABCDs?” said Wiggles, who until now had been swimming silently in his bowl. “That’s certainly a mouthful.”

“It is,” said the parrot. “But trust can’t be defined easily with a simple phrase. And it isn’t something you can earn overnight. You’ll have to begin at the beginning and go from there.”

“Okay,” said the dog, “where do I begin?”

“First, you must show Whiskers that you are Able,” the parrot replied.

“What do you mean by Able?” asked the dog.

“That means showing Whiskers you have the know-how to help her,” said the parrot. “If she has a problem, help her solve it! If she wants results, deliver them. If you are Able, step up and contribute. Show her you’re worthy!”

When you demonstrate competence and skills, you are ABLE, which builds trust.

Below are some statements about your ability. Think about your behaviors in a specific role—at home as a parent, spouse, sibling, roommate, or friend; at work as a manager or individual contributor; or in the community as a leader or volunteer. In this role, how often do you behave in each of the listed ways? Circle one response that best describes your behavior.

Ready and Able (#ulink_9a5f99a0-3b4f-537d-bf84-b8373b18650c)

The next day was a midsummer scorcher. After lunch, the humans gathered in the backyard. Mr. and Mrs. Berryhill sat with Billy in the shade while Kylie splashed in the pool.

“Can Billy come in the water and play with me?” Kylie asked.

“No, Kylie,” said Mrs. Berryhill. “I know you mean well, but I can’t really trust our little toddler playing with you in the water until he is Able to swim.”

“When’s that going to be?” asked Kylie.

“We’ll get him into a swimming class soon,” said her mom.

Kylie frowned. “You said that last week,” she said under her breath.

As they talked, none of the humans noticed the cat, who was walking along the fence searching for an exit. Woof saw this as a perfect opportunity to win Whiskers’s trust by showing her that he was Able to help her solve problems. He approached the cat, keeping a respectful distance.

“Whiskers,” he said, “I noticed that you have been trying to find a way through the backyard fence for a long time.”

“Yes,” said the cat. “Unless I want to walk all the way around the house and out the front yard, I have to climb the backyard fence and jump over.”