Unravel Me

‘Tell me what’s going on, Ash. This isn’t like you to get so obsessed about a test subject.’

I swallowed hard. I needed to come clean about Logan. He wasn’t just some test subject. He hadn’t been from the beginning, and now after spending several weeks with him, talking music and literature, tasting all kinds of foods, I knew we had grown close. Too close as far as doctor-patient relationships went, even if I wasn’t a doctor yet.

I suppressed a grin at the thought of Logan, struggling to keep my game face on in front of Liz. She’d jump on me at the first sign that something was off.

Even though my visits hadn’t helped Logan to remember anything, spending time together brought him a sort of peace, he’d said. I provided a brief escape from his pain, and a break from the investigators who still questioned him, but were running into roadblocks as they tried to build their case.

I stepped up to the counter to place my order. ‘Small skim latte.’

Liz barked her order to the cashier and handed him her card. ‘I know I’ve been encouraging you to get laid, but I didn’t mean with him. I don’t care how good looking he is. He’s a mental patient for fuck’s sake.’

The dreadlocked cashier raised his eyebrows, looking between Liz and me. Great. I dropped my loose change into the tip jar and marched to the end of the bar to wait for my drink, clenching my fists at my sides.

We sat down in the cushy chairs in the back of the café, sipping our drinks. Liz’s knowing gaze never left mine. ‘Tell me what’s going on. Since you met him, you’ve become even more of a hermit than before.’

I ducked my head, sucking in a sip of my latte. Damn, too hot. I knew she was right, but I couldn’t explain the pull that Logan had over me. Maybe it wasn’t healthy spending so much time at the hospital. I almost laughed at the obviousness in that statement. But Logan wasn’t crazy. I knew that for sure. I also knew with absolute certainty that I’d be the one to go insane if our sexual chemistry got any hotter.

‘I’ve got it under control, Liz.’

Each day I entered his room he lifted me into his arms and held me tight before setting my feet on the floor. I couldn’t help but think that he was craving the physical affection after the weeks alone.

Dr. Andrews had seen us hug once and I’d instantly felt ashamed and embarrassed for letting myself grow so attached to a patient. Of course, it hadn’t stopped me from visiting Logan every day. I just tried harder to avoid Dr. Andrews.

Over coffee, Liz tried to convince me that I needed to take a break from my work with Logan, that I was becoming obsessed. When she dropped me off afterwards, and saw the embarrassing state of my apartment, I started to think maybe she was right. Stacks of textbooks and a small mountain of notes had spilled from my overstuffed bookcase just inside the entryway, providing an obstacle to even getting through the front door. I had thought nothing of stepping over the heap the last several days, but watching Liz clumsily navigate it embarrassed me. I led her farther into the apartment, where at least the sofa was free of clutter.

She tossed her purse onto the couch. ‘Seriously gal, you need to reel it in.’ She waved her arms, motioning to the state of my apartment.

Despite any evidence to the contrary, my life was neat and logical. My piles of books and papers were concrete, things I could grasp. My kitchen contained only the essentials--coffee always left out on the counter and cupboards filled with cups of instant noodles. I didn’t have time for fluff, for boys and their nonsense, and certainly not for the one I was studying who had more baggage than a celebrity’s luggage cart.

But maybe my life needed the excitement Logan could provide. Things had gotten damn predictable--classes, boring professors, a drawer full of vibrators and romance novels dog-eared at my favorite scenes.

Still, against all common sense, I couldn’t seem to keep Logan off my mind. With the criminal case against him weakening with each passing day, and the likelihood that he would soon remember his former life, I knew he’d be moving on and I needed to let it go. Heck, it’d occurred to me more than once with how good looking and charming he was that he probably had a girlfriend waiting for him, wondering what had happened. Although in my opinion, any girlfriend who didn’t scour the city, search the hospitals, and jails and even under the overpasses for her boyfriend didn’t deserve a guy like Logan. Period.

Still, it probably wasn’t healthy to ignore my friends, and my poor apartment hadn’t seen a vacuum in weeks. That realization smacked me in the face when Liz wrinkled her nose in disgust, weaving her way through the clutter.

‘Okay, it’s decided. We’re going out tonight. Cocktails, mancandy, it’s happening. Because, this--’ She gestured to the wreck that was my home. ‘--is concerning. You need to move past Logan. I know you think you feel something for him, but it’s only because of how passionate you are about your work.’

I’d told Logan I’d be back to see him after my coffee date with Liz. I hadn’t missed a day since we’d met. Even though I didn’t like the idea of standing him up, I knew there’d be no dissuading her. Besides, one night out wouldn’t kill me. I could call the hospital and ask that they pass a message on to Logan that I wouldn’t be able to make it today. That way, at least he wouldn’t be waiting for me.

‘Fine. I’ll go.’

She smiled. ‘Go shower. And I’ll do my best to clean this mess up just in case you get lucky and bring a guy home tonight.’

‘I won’t be…’

She silenced me with a slap on the behind. ‘Oh yes, you will. Now go.’

I took a brief shower and quickly shaved my legs, unsure of what Liz might be doing to my apartment. Despite being cluttered with textbooks and papers on every available flat surface, I knew where everything was. I didn’t need her meddling with my system. When I emerged from the shower, pink and scrubbed clean, I found Liz sitting on the sofa, texting.

The apartment looked the same as it did before my shower. ‘Gave up?’

She glanced up from her phone. ‘Oh, yeah.’ She waved a hand absently. ‘There’s no hope for this place. Just wear some damn sexy underwear, and hopefully the lucky guy won’t notice or care that you live like an animal.’

I sent a quick email to the hospital receptionist on Logan’s floor and dressed in jeans and a tank top. Liz helped me dry my hair pin straight and did my makeup, too, and then I hobbled on my seldom-worn heels to her apartment for some pre-drinks.

Around ten-thirty, we finally stepped inside a sleek lounge, an off-campus favorite that I hadn’t been to yet. Liz kissed the bouncer on both cheeks and he swatted her backside, leading me to believe she was here more often than I’d thought.

We sipped on cosmopolitans in sleek martini glasses, and the combination of vodka and liqueur went straight to my head. Before long, Liz and I were gyrating on the dance floor to techno music, writhing together to the delight of a group of guys observing us from across the room.

When I could no longer stay steady on my heels without spilling my drink from the rim of the martini glass, I made my way to the side of the dance floor and slid into a booth. I slipped off the heels underneath the table and stretched my aching feet. I watched Liz continue to shake her booty and grind into the lap of an overeager frat boy.

I ordered a water and rested my chin in my hands, watching Liz enjoy herself. Sometimes I was jealous of her ability to embrace the moment and live life to the fullest. She didn’t have a care in the world. Besides working, school, studying and reading, there wasn’t much else to my life. Until Logan came along.

One of the frat guy’s friends slid into the booth next to me, smiling at me with a drunken grin. ‘Hey,’ he called over the thumping music.

‘Hey,’ I returned. I was so not interested, but managed to engage him in conversation, mostly to please Liz who offered me encouraging looks from the dance floor now and then.

About ten after one, I was exhausted, tipsy and ready for bed. Alone.

I said goodbye to Liz, who was practically attached at the face to frat boy number one. She waved and made me promise to call her in the morning. As if she’d even remember this conversation, I vowed to call her first thing.

I stumbled to the street and began walking toward my apartment, confident that I could hail a cab on the way if I didn’t feel like walking the eight blocks. And in these shoes that was a distinct possibility. At least I felt safe here. The streets were well lit with streetlamps every dozen feet and the sidewalks were fairly well populated with college students out looking for a good time. Not to mention a police officer or two could be spotted fairly easily if you were looking.

I passed by a Thai restaurant, glancing up at the sign above me with a gilded golden elephant. I wondered if Logan would like Thai food, or if tasting it would spark a memory for him. A smile pulled at my lips at the thought of bringing Logan here, watching him lick spicy peanut sauce from his lips. I felt lighter in his presence, incredibly alive and carefree, something that was rare for me since most of my days were spent worrying about my mounting student-loan debt, the endless research papers that needed writing, and even my dad who was all alone back in Michigan. At least tonight the alcohol left me with a fuzzy buzz and I could daydream about Logan on my walk home.

I passed by the small park I often sat in to read or study. It was little more than a cluster of trees and some park benches, but in the heart of downtown, you couldn’t be too picky with green spaces.

The evening air was cool and felt great against my overheated skin and the nearly full moon made it a beautiful night. It would have been a nice night to walk home, if it weren’t for these blasted shoes. I stopped to lean against a lamppost and removed my heels.

A policeman prodding a homeless man on a park bench caught my attention. The man sat up, and rubbed his hands across his face. It was the same mannerism Logan used when he was tired or frustrated. It had to be a guy thing. But then the streetlight caught on his bicep and a tattoo…. Logan.

It couldn’t be. Yet I found myself jogging toward them all the same, heels dangling from my hand.

The police officer had roused the man onto his feet and was urging him along. Like a slap to the face, it hit me that this was indeed Logan. I didn’t understand how or why he’d been released, but there he stood, in my neighborhood park in the middle of the night.

‘Logan!’ I called.

He turned suddenly, his gaze locking with mine. He looked tired, weary and untrusting. My heart sank. There wasn’t even a question; I had let him down by not coming today. Had he snuck out to see me? Why did that thought make me deliriously happy? Sick, Ashlyn, sick. I was becoming obsessed with him and Liz was right, it wasn’t healthy. But seeing Logan here, the feelings he roused within me, I just didn’t care. I needed to see him.

I jogged the last few paces and stopped in front of him. He didn’t greet me with his customary hug, but instead stood coolly observing me. A pang of regret flared up inside my chest. I shouldn’t have ditched him to hang out with Liz tonight. Especially when she was ditching me for guy right now.

The police officer cleared his throat. ‘You know him?’

‘Yes, I know him,’ I said, without taking my eyes from Logan’s. His gaze softened just the slightest bit.

‘Just move it along, folks. No sleeping in the park.’

‘No problem, officer.’ I nodded, not breaking eye contact with Logan.