To Love Again

She had wanted Lucas as a lover, yes, but she didn’t have that, and she certainly didn’t have his friendship any more, either. At the time, she had wanted him so badly it hadn’t seemed to matter, but after just one day of knowing she disgusted him she was finding it hard to live with herself.

What if she never saw him again? What if he decided to move out of his apartment because of the uncomfortable situation she had forced upon them? Until these last two days, it had never occurred to her that Lucas would ever move away from living next door to her. But she had to admit that now it was more than a possibility. She tried to tell herself that she was too good a friend to Lucas for this upset to cause him to do that, but at the same time she knew she had made it impossible for him to feel comfortable in his own home.

Then she would have to be the one to move out! Why should Lucas be forced out for something that had all been her fault, because her curiosity and good sense had got the better of her?

She didn’t want to move, hated the thought of moving away from here, from possibly never seeing Lucas again. But if one of them had to go it would have to be her; she had no choice.

That decision made, she got wearily out of bed, the day stretching in front of her. She had no auditions to go to, no one to see until Barry Robbins tonight. ‘Resting’ was all well and good, but it gave you too much time to think and brood. About what might have been. How different things might have been if Lucas had known the same passion and desire she had the other night, she mused dreamily. They would have made love together all night, spent the day together, probably been together again last night, too. Instead of that, they weren’t even talking to each other.

Whoever would have thought she and Lucas would come to this? What had possessed her to force that situation of the other night?

Tears that had fallen all too readily over the last two days began to roll down her cheeks again. Oh, Lucas! she cried inside as she dropped down on one of the bar stools in her kitchen, the homely sound of the coffee percolating not piercing her misery. How often she and Lucas had sat down and had coffee together before he left to go to work, and how she had daydreamed, during those times, that they were a happily married couple sharing breakfast together. Reality had intruded when Lucas had stood up to kiss her paternally on the forehead, or, worse than that, had ruffled her hair affectionately before picking up his briefcase and leaving.

Christi gave a startled jump as her doorbell rang, hastily brushing away her tears as she went to greet the doorman with her mail.

But it was Lucas who stood on the doorstep, and she gazed up at him apprehensively. Not that she was in the least self-conscious about having him see her in her short pink silk nightshirt; she had break-fasted with him hundreds of times in the past wearing similar night attire. It was having him treat her as a stranger that was going to be so unbearable.

‘Good morning, lazybones,’ he greeted with an indulgent grin, ruffling her hair affectionately as he strode inside her apartment.

Christi followed him dazedly after closing the door behind him; this was no stranger, this was the Lucas she had always known!

‘I was in my apartment working when I heard you moving about—at last!’ he rebuked teasingly, grey eyes dark with affection. ‘I knew you would be putting coffee on, so I thought I’d come over and share a cup with you.’ He strode into the kitchen with the ease of familiarity, getting down the cups for their coffee. ‘I must say, you look a little hung-over this morning, Christi.’ He handed her a cup of steaming coffee.

She looked hung-over? He was the one who had come home at three o’clock this morning! Not that he looked any the worse for it; he was exuding good health and vitality, while she—— Obviously what had happened between them the other evening certainly hadn’t kept him awake at nights!

Instead of feeling guilty about what had happened, Christi began to feel anger at Lucas’s indifference. Didn’t the passion they had shared mean anything to him? Obviously not, she decided indignantly.

Unless he just didn’t remember it? He had been drinking that evening, something he rarely did, and maybe, just maybe—— But wasn’t that the classic excuse people used when something had happened they would rather just forget, and didn’t know how else to achieve it?

She looked at Lucas suspiciously. Was that why he was behaving like his usual cheerful self this morning, because he wanted her to think he didn’t even remember what had happened between them the other night, because he wanted to forget the whole embarrassing incident had happened? Or—and this seemed more like the Lucas she loved—was he trying to save face for both of them, hoping that, if he behaved as if nothing had happened between them, they would eventually both feel that nothing had happened?

Christi would give anything not to live through the mortification of the last two days again, and readily accepted that Lucas thought the whole thing was best forgotten, grasping at the friendship he offered with both hands.

At least, she took the coffee he held out to her with both hands, giving him a relieved smile!

He settled himself on one of her bar stools, facing out towards the kitchen, breathtakingly attractive in the dark navy suit and snowy white shirt, his striped tie meticulously knotted at his throat, his dark hair falling endearingly across his forehead.

‘So,’ he said lightly. ‘Did you go out last night?’ he asked interestedly.

‘No.’ She would have liked to ask him where he had been until three o’clock this morning but, considering Michelle’s obvious beauty, and his continuing relationship with the other woman, the answer to that was all too obvious. And painful. ‘I had a few chores to do,’ she dismissed shruggingly. ‘Did you have a pleasant evening?’ She looked at him enquiringly.

‘Fine,’ he nodded. ‘How are the auditions going?’

She gave a rueful smile. ‘They aren’t.’ She sighed. ‘There are too many actresses and not enough parts.’

‘Hm, it’s a pity the play had to close,’ he nodded thoughtfully.

They were talking as they usually did, and yet to Christi there was something missing. At first, it was difficult to pinpoint, and then she knew it was the ease with which they were usually together. Unless it was just her, because Lucas seemed just as relaxed as ever. Maybe he really didn’t