I'll Be There For You

Jx

From: MildredHubble

To: Jasmine55

I have to go. Good luck telling L.

Mx

Chapter 10 (#ulink_1ee4398d-2126-5f66-add5-653e41b9c1e3)

Back home after baby group, the kids managed a quick lunch with drooping eyes. Their fun morning had worn them out. I took them upstairs and tucked them into their cots, but Fi protested so loudly when I put her down, reaching out to Finn, that I scooped her up and tucked her in next to her brother. She sighed happily, clasped his hand in hers and fell asleep, their little faces close to each other.

I pulled out my phone and took a photo to send to Lou. She replied straightaway with a heart. I smiled.

Exhausted myself, I went into our bedroom and lay down on the bed with my iPad, scrolling through my history until I found InHarmony and the messages I’d been exchanging with Mildred while the kids had eaten their lunch. She’d left our conversation a bit abruptly and I wanted to see if she was back online. There was no sign of her though.

I lay back on the bed, disappointed that she’d gone so soon, and re-reading her messages. Depression, I thought. It was definitely possible and in fact it wasn’t the first time I’d thought of it. The twins’ arrival had thrown my carefully ordered world into chaos. I adored being a mum but it was a big adjustment, especially for someone like me who liked to be in control. My lack of energy, my exhaustion and listlessness, the loss of appetite and how much weight I’d lost, suggested something wasn’t quite right. I was more than a bit thin; my wedding band spun on my bony finger and my size ten skinny jeans hung off my hips. My hair was even falling out. It was staring me in the face but I just hadn’t wanted to accept it. Depression was a frightening word. And yet… I closed my eyes, feeling strangely relieved that I had an answer. And possibly a solution. Now I knew what was wrong I could start to get better. But first I had to tell Louise.

She came home late again that night, but I’d waited up for her, nervously flicking through the channels on the TV.

When she came in the door, she smiled as she came upstairs and saw me sitting on the sofa.

‘Hello,’ she said, grinning at me. ‘I saw the light on and hoped you’d still be up…’

She tailed off as she saw my worried face.

‘What’s wrong?’ she said. ‘Are the kids okay?’

‘They’re fine,’ I said. I took her hands and pulled her down to sit on the sofa. ‘I just need to tell you something.’

‘H, you’re scaring me,’ Louise said. ‘Are you okay?’

I took a breath.

‘I’m just going to talk,’ I said. ‘Let me get it out and then ask questions.’

Louise nodded, her face worried.

‘I’ve not been feeling myself for a while now,’ I said, talking fast because I just wanted her to know now I’d started. ‘I’m out of sorts, I feel like I’ve lost control.’

I gripped her hand a bit tighter.

‘I think I’ve got some sort of depression,’ I said, looking down at our intertwined fingers. ‘And as well as feeling rubbish generally, I’ve lost my powers.’

I paused. Louise let out a sigh.

‘Oh thank god,’ she said. She brought our hands up to her mouth and kissed my fingers. ‘Oh, H. I thought you were ill ‒ dying ‒ or leaving me.’

‘I’m not leaving you, and I’m not dying,’ I said carefully. ‘But I think I am ill.’

‘Oh darling,’ Lou said. ‘I know, of course I know. I could see things weren’t normal but it’s hard to talk about it, isn’t it, when it’s a gradual decline.’

She looked at me.

‘You’re so thin,’ she said. ‘And no witchcraft?’ She shook her head. ‘I should have said something. I should have noticed.’

‘I’ve been working quite hard to pretend everything is normal,’ I admitted. ‘And things have been crazy.’

Louise put her hand to her mouth.

‘I’ve just taken that job,’ she said. ‘I need to tell them I can’t do it.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s fine, honestly. Do it. I’ve got a plan to help myself get better.’

Louise looked doubtful.

‘Are you going to the doctor?’ she asked. ‘It might be a good idea. I can come with you.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I think I will. And I’ve found some help online actually.’

‘On your site?’ she asked, smiling. ‘That’s good.’

I told her about Mildred Hubble and how she’d said to be kind to myself.

Louise nodded.

‘So you’re going to take some time off?’ she asked.

‘I thought three months,‘ I said. ‘Nessa can cope and my brother will be back soon, so he can help out if he’s needed.’

‘Makes sense,’ Lou said. ‘Will you be okay with having the twins while I’m working so much?’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘In fact, when I’m with them I feel better.’

‘Maybe we should look into putting them in nursery for longer hours,’ Louise said. ‘Give you some time off.’

‘Not yet,’ I said. ‘Especially if I’m not working. Let’s just see how these three months go, shall we?’

We chatted for another hour or so. There were tears from both of us. I felt like I was cutting myself open and exposing every flaw to Louise.

‘I’m just so worried that you love me because I’ve always been so together,’ I sobbed. ‘Because I’m in control. And now I’m not.’

Louise stroked my hair.

‘I love you whether you’re in control or not,’ she told me. ‘I love you because you’re you.’

It wasn’t easy telling her how I’d been feeling but, as we talked, I started to feel a tiny bit better. That I wasn’t alone and that the people who loved me still loved me, even if I wasn’t feeling like the immaculately dressed, high-achieving businesswoman I’d spent my life becoming right now.