The Anonymous Miss Addams

Jeremy Holloway was so overcome by this blatant idiocy that he forgot himself and stood up, just to get a good look at the woman who could spout anything so ridiculous. “Yer dicked in the nob, lady?” he exclaimed in consternation, then quickly ducked again, whining, “Yer seen me now. Yer gonna cry beef on me?”

She leaned forward some more and was able to see a boy as he crouched on all fours, ready to scurry off to find a new hidey-hole. “If you mean, am I going to turn you in, no, I don’t think I am. After all, who would I turn you in to in the first place?”

“Dat froggie, dat’s who! And all because Oi gots a few active citizens. Oi asks yer—is dat fair? Show me a lily white wot’s ain’t gots some, dat’s wot Oi says.”

Her head was reeling. “Are you speaking English?” she questioned, careful not to move for fear the boy would run off before she could get a good look at him.

All was quiet for a few moments, but at last, his decision made, Jeremy poked his head above the rose bush, looked furtively right and left, and then abandoned his hiding place. “Yer the one m’ gingerbread man found in the road yesterdee,” he told her unnecessarily. “Yer cleaned up right well, Oi suppose. But not this cove. Not Jeremy ’Olloway. Nobody’s gonna dunk this cove in Adam’s ale agin.”

“Thank you, I think,” she answered, beating down the urge to step back a pace or two, for, in truth, Jeremy didn’t smell too fresh. The boy was filthy, his clothing ragged and three sizes too small. “You might too. I imagine Adam’s ale is water? What’s a lily white, Jeremy, and whose citizens are active? And a gingerbread man?”

With an expression on his thin face that suggested she must be the most ignorant person ever to walk the earth, Jeremy supplied impatiently, “A lily white’s a sweep, o’ course. Everyun knows dat. Oi’m really a ’prentice, or Oi wuz, till yesterdee. My mum sold me ter ol’ ’Awkins fer ’alf a crown, which is more than m’ brother went fer. Wot else? Oh, yer. A gingerbread man is a rich gentry cove, like Mr. Standish. ’Appy now? Yer asks more questions than a parson.”

“Lily white because they’re so very dirty? Oh, that’s very good,” she commented, smiling at Jeremy, her heart wrung by his offhanded reference to what must have been a terrible experience. “But what’s an active citizen?”

Jeremy put his head down, scuffing one bare foot against the gravel path. “Lice,” he mumbled, then raised his head to fairly shout: “An’ ’e ain’t stickin’ Jeremy ’Olloway’s ’air in no tar an’ shavin’ it! Oi’ll skewer ’im first—an’ so Oi telled ’im, jist afore Oi kicked ’im an’ loped off! ’E didn’t foller me, ’cause ’e ’ates the ground Oi dirties an’ wants me gone. ’E telled me so ’imself.”

“Mon Dieu! There you are, you vilain moineau, you nasty sparrow! Please to grab his ear, mademoiselle, so that I might cage him! I have the water hot, and the scissors is at the ready!”

More rapidly than she could react, the scene exploded before her eyes. A thin, harried-looking Frenchman appeared in front of her, a stout rope in one hand, a large empty sack in the other, and Jeremy Holloway disappeared, faster than a gold piece vanishes into a beggar’s pocket.

“You have let for him to escape me again!” the Frenchman accused, his watery eyes narrowed as he glared at her.

“You frightened him, the poor boy,” she accused, feeling protective.

“Please not to put in your grain of salt, mademoiselle,” he returned nastily, drawing himself up to his full height. “I have been run to the rags searching for the small monster. I have been made sore with trying.”

She understood. In that moment she understood something else as well—Jeremy’s words coming back to her—and the light of battle entered her eyes. “Oh, do be quiet, froggie,” she ordered, privately pleased with herself.

“Froggie!” The servant’s head snapped back with the insult, as if he had been slapped.

They stood there, the pair of them frozen in their aggressive stances for several seconds, then Duvall opened his mouth to speak. Fortunately for his opponent, something else took his attention just as he was about to begin, for his response to her name-calling was sure to be terrible, if unintelligible to anyone not familiar with gutter French.

“I say, Duvall, must I do everything for you?” asked a weary voice from somewhere behind them, and both of them turned to see Pierre Standish coming down the pathway, Jeremy Holloway’s left earlobe firmly inched between his thumb and forefinger. “I set you a simple chore, and now, more than four and twenty hours later, the evidence of your failure has barreled into me as I attempted to take the afternoon air. I cannot adequately express my disappointment, Duvall, truly I cannot. Ah, good afternoon, Miss Penance. You’re looking well. My congratulations on your rapid recovery since this morning. One can only hope your disposition is now as sunny as your appearance.”

She placed her fists on her hips. “You let go of that poor, innocent boy this instant, you monster!”

Pierre’s social smile remained intact. “Oh dear, I deduce that I have once again raised myself up only to open myself to a fall. Obviously you are to be perpetually tiresome, Miss Penance. But it is of no matter if you are quite set on such a course, as you are not my problem. This urchin, however, is my concern. Be still, Master Holloway, if you please,” he asked of the squirming Jeremy, “as it would pain me to box your ears. Duvall, are you going to allow me to be thwarted in my zeal to accomplish a good deed? If nothing else, please consider the fate of my immortal soul.”

Duvall began to wring his hands, his entire posture one of pitiable subservience. “Ask of me to cut off my two hands, good sir, and I will gladly make them a gift to you. Have my tongue to be ripped out with the pincers and served up to the dogs for dinner—order hot spikes to be driven under my fingernails. Anything, dear sir! Anything but, but”—he gestured toward Jeremy—“but this!”

“Come, come, Duvall,” Pierre scolded, advancing another step. “Don’t be so bashful. How often have I begged you to consider yourself free to express your innermost thoughts? Tell me how you really feel. Help him, Miss Penance. Explain to my dear Duvall that he shouldn’t keep such a tight rein on his emotions.”

Miss Penance, as even she had begun to think of herself, narrowed her eyes as she ran her gaze assessingly up and down the elegantly clad Pierre Standish. “You look better dressed,” she said at last, although the tone of her voice did not hint at any great improvement over his banyan and bare, hairy legs. “The only thing remaining to be done to make you passably bearable would be to put a gag in your mouth. You are, Mr. Standish, by and large, the most insufferable, arrogant, nasty creature it has ever been my misfortune to encounter! How dare you maul that poor child that way? How dare you insult this man, who is obviously your slave?”

Ignoring her insults, Pierre honed in on one thing she had said. “Of all the creatures you have met, Miss Penance? May I deduce from this that you have regained your memory? Shall I have Duvall order a celebratory feast?”

Quick tears sprang to her eyes. “How I loathe you, Mr. Standish,” she gritted out from between clenched teeth. “No, I have not yet regained my memory, sir. But I have met your father, your beleaguered servant, and this poor underfed, persecuted boy—and each of them is twice the man you are. You—you idiotic, conceited fop!”

“God’s beard! She makes of you a mockery, good sir! It is of the most deplorable!” Duvall exclaimed, taking three steps away from her in order to distance himself from her disparaging words.

Jeremy halted in his struggle to free himself from Pierre’s painful grip, his mouth hanging wide as he gasped at Miss Penance. “Dicked in the nob, dat’s wot she is,” he said at last. “Dat’s thanks, ain’t it, guv’nor—and atter all yer done fer ’er! Does yer wants me ter level ’er? She’s jist m’ size, so’s it’d be a fair fight.”

Pierre looked down on the recently liberated chimney sweep. “I’d rather you allowed Duvall to make you presentable, Master Holloway, if you are cudgeling your brain for a way to express your thanks to me. Duvall? You agree?”

“Ask of me to cut off my two hands, good sir, and I will gladly make them a gift to you. Have my tongue to be ripped out with the pincers and—” Duvall stopped himself, taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders. “Yes, sir,” he ended fatalistically. “Very good, sir.”

“You both are so kind, you threaten to unman me,” Pierre drawled, a smile lurking in his dark eyes as he looked over to see Miss Penance holding back her fury with an effort. “Please leave us now, before I embarrass myself by falling on your necks in gratitude for your loyalty.”

Jeremy and Duvall reached the end of the path before Miss Penance said, her voice measured, “You…make…me…ill! I suppose you think I’m supposed to be feeling three kinds of a fool for berating you when you are so obviously deserving of my thanks for not allowing me to lie in the road when you discovered me? That is the point of this exercise, is it not? Well, please do not hold your breath waiting for my thanks, for you will only succeed in turning that insufferably arrogant face of yours a hideous purple!”

Pierre walked over to a nearby bench and motioned for her to sit down. “You’re right, of course,” he agreed, settling himself beside her. “I was the most horrid of selfish creatures to have spirited you away from your so comfortable resting place. How could I have been such a cad? How will you ever forgive me for my callous disregard for your privacy? Shall I order the horses put to immediately, so that I can return you there before bedtime?”

“Don’t be any more foolish than you can help. That’s not what I meant, and you know it!” she countered, longing to punch him squarely in his aristocratically perfect nose. “Obviously you have somehow rescued Jeremy as well, and probably done something for that poor, nervous Duvall so that he looks upon you as a near god. But if you have some twisted desire to surround yourself with fawning admirers, I’m afraid that in this case you have badly missed the mark. I may have been born, figuratively speaking, only this morning, but I do possess some basic common sense. You could not care less what happens to me. You’re only using me in some twisted, obscure way that benefits you, and I have to tell you, I resent it. I resent it most thoroughly! The moment I have recovered my memory I will be more than pleased to wave you a fond farewell as I go out of your life forever!”

“Such a passionate—dare I also mention, lengthy?—speech. You see me prostrate before you, devastated by your eloquent, long-winded vehemence,” Pierre drawled, stifling a yawn.

“Oh!” she exploded, jumping to her feet. “I can only hope I discover that I am a murderess, so I can kill you with a clear conscience!”

Watching as she ran back toward the house, leaving one too-large shoe behind on the gravel path in her haste, Pierre raised his hand to absently stroke the small crescent-shaped scar that seemed to caress his left cheekbone. “Such a darling girl,” he mused aloud. “I believe I have been more than justly revenged on my loving father.”

CHAPTER FIVE

“SHE’S WHERE! I don’t believe it! I refuse to believe it!” cried a female voice. “Quickly, fetch me my harts-horn. I feel faint!”

“Rubbish. You never faint, for all your moaning. You’re strong as an ox,” replied her male companion.

“Oxen, always oxen! Have you no other animal to use as a comparison? To think that your last tutor told me you showed an active imagination. It’s a good thing I turned him off when I caught him winking at the upstairs maid, or I’d show him an active imagination! And have some pity on your elders. My poor heart could give out at any moment.”

“It would be a better job to stop worrying about your heart and begin worrying about your neck! About both our necks.”

“Why? We haven’t done anything, have we? They can’t hang a person for merely talking about murder. Besides, it’s only her word against ours. Oh, why did she have to end up there? Anywhere but Standish Court. André Standish! He’s completely, utterly ruthless. My blood runs cold at the very thought of him. He’s so smooth, so mysterious. He seems to know everything.”

“It’s not the father who worries me. It’s the son. I heard all about Pierre Standish when I was in London for the Season. He’s like the father, but meaner. Killed his groom, you know—just for saddling the wrong horse. I do wish, though, that my man had his way with a cravat.”

“But it has been five days since you went chasing off after her, and nothing has happened. I have been worried to death, waiting for you to return, waiting for the constable to come carry me away to some terrible, smelly gaol. Now you come back here, telling me she’s not twenty miles from this wretched hovel you’ve rented, and with André Standish of all people. How could you have hidden in the bushes, watching the son cart her away like that? What are we going to do when they confront us?”

“Why, we’re going to deny everything, of course. It’s her word against ours, after all, and besides, no one has been murdered—yet. Of course, there’s always the possibility she’ll die, for she was unconscious when Standish lifted her into his coach. God, to think that I had finally run her to ground, just to have her bolt away from me into the roadway as we heard a carriage approach. You cannot know how prodigiously I hated hiding in the hedgerow while Standish all but plucked her out of my hands. Yes, it would serve her right to die from the tumble she took. That would solve the problem quite nicely.”

“Then we’d be free of her forever! Oh, that’s above everything wonderful. But what if she lives? No, you have to go back to Standish Court. You have to go back, and silence her once and for all.”

“With Pierre Standish there to guard her? And you said you loved me. But you’re right. She has to die now, or everything is ruined.”

“Yes, yes, it does present a problem. But we have no choice. Besides, you don’t have to leave straight away. It can wait until tomorrow. Sit down, my dear, you look weary. Other than the fact that you couldn’t apprehend that dreadful girl, was it a nice trip? The countryside is so pleasing this time of year.”

JEREMY HOLLOWAY RAN halfway down the length of the shiny black and white tiled foyer in his stockinged feet, an oversized knitted cap pulled down over his ears, then skidded the rest of the way on the slippery floor, whistling through the gap between his front teeth as he held his arms wide to maintain his balance. He quickly held his hands out in front of him before he cannoned into the closed doors to the drawing room.

Grinning from ear to ear in enjoyment of this new amusement, he turned himself about, ready to attack the slippery floor from the other direction, only to feel his shoulders firmly grasped by a pair of strong hands. Looking up—looking a long way up—he saw his new master staring down at him, his left eyebrow arched inquisitively.