All I Ever Wanted

“Think you’ll make it to my party later on?” I asked, striving for perky and fun, not lustful and ruttish. My parents were throwing me a little bash at Elements, the nicest restaurant around, and I’d invited all my coworkers. No use pretending: I was turning thirty; might as well get some presents.

Mark straightened, then moved a pile of papers from the small couch in my office and sat down. “Um … Listen, I need to tell you something. You met Muriel, right?”

“Well, just that once. She seems … very …” Hmm. She’d worn a killer black suit, had great shoes … kind of intense. “Very focused.”

“Yeah. She is. Callie …” Mark hesitated. “Muriel and I are seeing each other.”

It took a few seconds for that to register. Once again, I was that stupid deer, watching mutely as the pickup truck hurtled down the road. My heart slammed to a halt. For a second, I couldn’t breathe. Michelle Obama stood by, shaking her head sadly, her fabulous arms crossed in regret. I realized my mouth was open. Closed it. “Oh,” I heard myself say.

Mark looked at the floor. “I hope that doesn’t cause you any … discomfort. Given our past involvement.”

There was a white, rushing sound, like a river engorged with snowmelt and hidden debris. He was seeing someone? How could that be? If the timing was okay for Muriel … why not … Oh, crap.

“Callie?” he said.

Here’s the thing about being hit by a truck. Sometimes those deer keep running. They just bound into the woods, sort of like they’re saying, Whoo-hoo! That was close! Good thing I’m okay. Um … I am okay, right? Actually, you know what? I’m feeling a little strange. Think I’ll lie down for a bit. And then they wake up dead.

Mark’s voice lowered. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Say something, the First Lady commanded. “No, no!” I chirruped. “It’s … just … no worries, Mark. Don’t worry.” I seemed to be smiling. Smiling and nodding. Yes. I was nodding. “So how long have you been … together?”

“A couple of months,” Mark answered. “It’s … it’s fairly serious.” He reached out and took the bracelet out of the box, then put it on my wrist, his fingers brushing the sensitive skin there, making me want to jerk away.

In the many years I’d known Mark, he’d never dated anyone for a couple of months. A couple of weeks, sure. I thought five was a record, quite honestly.

Ah. My body was catching on to the fact that I’d just been slammed. My throat tightened, my joints buzzed with the flight response to danger, and a sharp pain lanced through my chest. “Right. Well. You know what? I have to get my license renewed! I almost forgot! You know … birthday. License. Renewal.” Breathe, Callie. “Okay if I zip out for lunch a little early?” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat again, studiously avoiding Mark’s dark and now sorrowful eyes.

“Sure, Callie. Take all the time you need.”

The kindness in his voice made me feel abruptly murderous. “I won’t be long,” I chirped. “Thanks for the bracelet! See you in a bit!”

With that, I grabbed my oversize pink hobo bag and stood up, excruciatingly careful not to brush against Mark, who still sat on my couch, staring straight in front of him. “Callie, I’m sorry,” he said.

“No! Nothing to apologize for!” I sang. “Gotta run. They close at noon today. See ya later!”

THIRTY MINUTES LATER, I stood in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and the effects of being emotionally run down by the man I loved—and now hated—but still loved—were catching up with me. Michelle Obama had abandoned me, regretfully acknowledging that I was beyond help, and Betty Boop was clamping her lips together and blinking back tears. Trying to keep the choo-choo train of despair at bay, I glanced around. Gray, grimy tile floors. Dingy white walls. I stood in the middle of a line of about ten people, all of us listless and lifeless and loveless … or so it seemed.

The whole scene was like something out of some French existentialist play … Hell is not other people. Hell is the DMV. Robotic clerks shuffled behind the counter, clearly hating their lot in life and contemplating the easiest form of hari-kari or embezzlement so they could leave this grim place. The clock on the wall seemed to taunt me. Time’s a’wastin’, kid. Your life is passing you by. Happy fucking birthday.

My breathing started to quicken, my knees felt like a hive of angry bees. Tears burned in my eyes, and on my wrist, my stupid birthday present tickled. I should just rip it off. Melt it down into a bullet and kill Mark. Or myself. Or just swallow the bracelet whole and let it get tangled in my intestines and require emergency surgery and then have Mark come to the hospital and realize just how much he really loved me after all. Not that I would have him now. (Yeah, sure, Callie, said Mrs. Obama, making a reappearance. You’d eat a baby if it meant having him.)

Well. Maybe not a baby. But the idea that Mark was with someone … for a couple of months, fairly serious … ah, shit! Panic loomed like the jaws of a great white shark, terrifying and unexpected. Stupid Muriel with her black hair and white skin, like some vampire in fabulous shoes … when the hell had they started dating? When, dammit?

Oh, crap. Should I go? No. I had to get my license renewed. Today was the last day I could do it without incurring a fine. I’d picked out this wicked cute outfit, too—red-and-white printed blouse, short red skirt, big gold hoops, and my hair was perfect today, all shiny and swingy … Besides, what could I do? Sit in my car and wail? Kick a tree? Strangle a moose? I really wasn’t the type. The only idea that held any appeal was that of sitting in my rocking chair and eating cake batter.

A dry sob raked my throat. Shit. Shit on a shingle. Shit on rye.

“Next,” called one of the DMV drones, and we all shuffled forward six inches. The man behind me heaved an audible sigh.

Without another thought, I fumbled in my purse for my cell phone. Where was it? Where was it, dammit? Tampon … no. Book on CD … no. Picture of Josephine and Bronte, my nieces … even their beautiful faces failed to cheer me. Where was the phone? Ah. Here. I scrolled down to Annie Doyle. Damn! I got her voice mail. Somehow, it felt like a personal insult. How could my best friend be unavailable in my time of need? Didn’t she love me anymore?

Clearly the choo-choo was chugging faster now, so I scrolled down for backup. My mom? God, no … this would just be confirmation that the Y chromosome should be erased from humanity. My sister? Not much better. Still, it was someone. Mercifully, Hester answered, even though I knew she was at work.

“Hester? Got a minute?”

“Hey, birthday girl! What’s up?” My sister’s voice, always on the loud side, boomed out of my phone, and I held it away from my ear.

“Hester,” I bleated, “he’s seeing someone! He gave me a beautiful bracelet and kissed me and then he told me he’s seeing someone! For a couple of months and it’s fairly serious, but I still love him!”

“Jesus, lady, get a grip,” muttered the man behind me. Without thinking, I whirled around and glared. He raised a contemptuous eyebrow—jerk—but okay, yes, heads were starting to turn. Miraculously, no one I knew was here today … the DMV was in Kettering, the town next to Georgebury, so at least there was that.

“Is this Mark we’re talking about?” Hester asked, as if I’d discussed any other man for the past year. Or two. Or four. Ah, shit!

“Yes! Mark is dating Muriel from California! Muriel, the daughter of our biggest client! Isn’t that lovely?”

The man behind me cleared his throat in a very phony and noticeable way.

“Well, I always thought Mark was a smug bastard,” Hester said.

“You’re not helping!” I bit out. Why hadn’t Annie answered her phone? She was so much better at this sort of thing. She was normal, not like Hester.

“Well, what should I say? He’s a prince? Where are you, anyway?” Hester asked.

“At the DMV. In Kettering.”

“Why are you at the DMV?”

“Because my license is about to expire! It was on my calendar—renew license. And I had to get out of there … I just didn’t know what else to do.” A sob caught in my throat. “Hester … I always thought …” I took a shuddering breath and tried to lower my voice. “He said it was just timing. He’s never been serious with anyone before. And they’ve been together for months.” The betrayal, the shock of those words made my chest actually hurt, and I pressed one hand against my swollen heart, feeling hot tears slice down my face.

The woman in front of me turned around. She had the leathery, lined face and broad shoulders of a dairy farmer. “You a’right, theah, deah?” she asked, her Vermont accent as thick as overboiled maple syrup.

“I’m fine,” I answered in a shaky and rather unconvincing voice, attempting a brave smile.

“I ovahheard you, you poah thing,” she said. “Men can be such ahssholes. My husband, Nahman we’re talkin’ about, he sits down to dinnah one day and says he wants a d’vorce on account a’ he’s been banging the secretary down at the creamery. And this when we’ve been married fahty-two yeahs.”

“Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry,” I said, reaching out to hold her hand. She was right. Men were assholes. Mark was an asshole. I shouldn’t be heartbroken over him. Except I loved the rat bastard. Oh, blerk!

“Hello? I’m still here, Callie,” my sister reminded me sharply. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know, Hes … What do you think I should do?” I asked.

“Step outside?” suggested the man behind me.

“Damned if I know, Callie,” she sighed. “The longest relationship I’ve ever had lasted thirty-six hours. Which you know,” she said, her voice turning thoughtful, “has worked really well for me.”

“Hes,” I said wetly, “I’ll be seeing them together every day.” The notion made my heart clench.

“That’s probably gonna suck,” my sister agreed.