Rom-Com Collection

An eternity later, the Holland family, Jeremy and Levi were jammed around the dining room table. Old Mr. and Mrs. Holland, John, Pru, Ned and Abby, Honor and Jack. And Faith, flanked by Jeremy and himself.

“Faith, we never see you anymore,” Mrs. Holland said.

“I was over yesterday,” she said.

“You young people. Always so busy.”

“So what? She should be busy. Before she knows it, she’ll end up trapped for sixty-five years,” Mr. Holland said.

“Dad, knock it off,” John said patiently. “Jack, pass the bread, will you?”

“Jeez, Ned, stop it!” Abby barked. “Mom! He’s kicking me under the table!”

“Ned, for crying out loud, you’re a legal adult,” Pru snapped. “Don’t make me get up to hit you. I’m totally chafed.”

“College, college, college,” Abby chanted, putting her fingers in her ears. He smiled at her, only to have her glare back at him. He’d just given her the sentence for her foray into underage drinking: twelve hours of community service.

His head was starting to ache from the din of approximately six separate conversations in which everyone spoke at once and no one listened. He glanced at his watch, wondering how long they’d have to stay.

“Levi, just what are your intentions toward my daughter?” John asked abruptly.

“Daddy,” Faith sighed. “Come on. We talked about this.”

“So?” John stared expectantly. “I think I have the right to know what your plans are. Faith is my daughter. My princess.”

“Yeah, Faith, where is that crown, by the way?” Jack asked, taking more potatoes.

Pru snorted. “Honor, did Dad ever call you his princess? I’m pretty sure I was never called princess by anyone.”

“I believe only Faith holds that title,” Honor said.

“Girls, don’t be ridiculous. You’re all three my princesses. Levi? Answer the question.”

“I intend to date her, sir,” Levi said.

“Whatever that means these days,” John grumbled.

“It means sex,” Abby added, getting an elbow from her mother. “What?” she asked. “How can I not be aware of it when you and Daddy are doing it all the time?”

“Well, Faith,” said Mrs. Holland, “I think you should date a long, long time. Your grandfather took me for two walks before we were married. I wish I’d gotten to know him first, rather than count on my parents’ judgment.”

“So you guys were an arranged marriage?” Abby asked, perking up.

“More or less,” Mrs. Holland said. “You think I would’ve married him if my parents weren’t—”

“Dying to get rid of her?” Mr. Holland interjected.

“—pressuring me to marry him for his land.”

“Well, your mother and I were a love match, kids,” John said loudly, clearly trying to drown out his parents. “Love at first sight, as they say.”

“Like Faith and Jeremy,” Abby said. Levi felt his jaw locking. Jeremy smiled and said nothing.

“Abby, why are your panties in a twist?” Faith asked.

“Levi’s making me clean the tourist restrooms, that’s why! I screw up one time, and I have to clean bathrooms!”

“Guess you shouldn’t go drinking with idiot boys, then, huh?” Ned said.

“At least I wasn’t sleeping with anyone, Ned! I read your texts the other day. You and Sarah Cooper are so cute.”

Levi felt his hackles rise.

“We’re only friends,” Ned said, his voice panicky.

“Do not distract my sister, Ned,” Levi ground out. “And do not sleep with her.”

“No, no. I wouldn’t. Abby doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She’s an idiot, right, Abs?”

“Can everyone just settle down?” Honor said calmly. “Levi’s our guest tonight. Let’s save the reality of Holland family life for another time. Dad, Levi’s dating Faith, he’s her first boyfriend since the gay ruined her for other men, she’s thirty years old, and you already have one spinster daughter, so get over it.” She picked up her fork and took another bite of potatoes.

“She’s right,” John said after a minute. “Sorry, Levi. I just... She’s my daughter, that’s all. I want the best for her.”

“Understood.” His watch must be broken.

“So,” John continued, “who planted those chrysanthemums on your mother’s grave?”

“I did,” Honor said.

“Beautiful color, honey.” He sighed. “Hard to believe it’ll be twenty years in June.”

There was a moment of silence.

“How’s the dating going, Dad?” Jack asked.

“Since the transvestite, you mean?” he answered, which went right over Levi’s head. He supposed he should be grateful. “Well,” John continued, “I think I’ve given it a good shot, but I’m probably happier alone.”

“Oh, Dad, no! Don’t give up,” Faith said. “You said that the lady from Corning was really nice. Please give me another chance!”

“Just don’t let Lorena back in the house,” Jack said. “That woman makes my testicles retract.”

“Preach it, Uncle J.,” Ned murmured.

“I’m fine on my own,” John said. “Don’t worry, Faithie.”

“Grandpa, you live with a daughter and a housekeeper. You’re not exactly on your own,” Abby said.

“Exactly. I have Honor and Mrs. J. and all you kids.” His eyes grew distant. “Connie was the love of my life. You only get one of those, and you can’t replace it just because you want to.”