Red Blooded Murder

I stared at Sam, thinking how incredibly complicated relationships were. Such complications had never been so plain to me until the last six months.

“Why were you asking me earlier about cheating?” Sam said. “Is it because of Jane?”

Surprised, I hesitated. Then, “Why would you say that?”

He shrugged. “Just a feeling I got in there.”

I darted my eyes lower. “I don’t want to break a confidence.”

“You shouldn’t. I definitely don’t want you to do that.”

I met his eyes again. “Thanks.” I thought about Jane and Zac for a second. “What do you think about open relationships?”

“You mean where you’re together but you can date other people?”

“I guess. Or sleep with other people.”

He looked up toward the sky, as if he was thinking hard about this. His green eyes returned to mine again. “I don’t think they can work. I mean, monogamy is hard. It’s a major sacrifice, but I think that’s the only way marriage or a long-term relationship can work.”

“But what about all those long-term relationships that fail, even though both people are faithful?”

He said nothing for a second. I knew we were both thinking, Like our relationship.

“I think there’s a better chance of things working out if you’re monogamous,” Sam said.

“But there’s no guarantee.”

I glanced over his shoulder at the outline of the Sears Tower, its top lit with pink lights. It made me think of last spring, only a year ago, an uncomplicated time when we were happy, in love, almost boring in our contentedness. We would sit on my rooftop deck, Blue Moon beers on the table in front of us, and Sam would play guitar, the lights of the skyline behind him.

As much as I missed that, and as much as I was afraid of the lack of guarantees in the world of love, there was something about this new complexity that I liked, that made me feel alive.

Sam kissed my forehead. “Let’s go to my place.”

I was about to say yes, but then I remembered, after I’d met the Fig Leaf manager, Josie, today, she’d “hired” me immediately, but we both knew she was only giving me the gig because her boss said she had to. I started the next morning. At 7:00 a.m., and I’d been told to wear only black or white.

“I can’t.” I told Sam about the store job. I’d already told him about the Trial TV gig earlier.

He raised his eyebrows. “Lingerie, huh? I just don’t want you to lose your drive for the law. I mean, the Trial TV thing is fun, and at least you’re still in the legal field in some way, but c’mon, Iz, you’re a lawyer, and you’re amazing at it.”

“Thanks, but no one is paying me to be an amazing lawyer right now.”

I wanted to tell Sam that aside from the money that I needed to make, the other reason I was about to specialize in bras was because Mayburn would also be paying me. I would, essentially, be conducting surveillance on Josie and the Fig Leaf. I’d be studying how she ran the business, how the store was handled while the owner wasn’t there—keeping my eye out for, as Mayburn had told me, “anything that smells even a little bad.”

But I also remembered his cautions about telling no one, and although I’d told Sam before when I’d worked for Mayburn as a freelancer, Mayburn hadn’t been happy about it, and he was insistent I not tell anyone this time. And so there I was, standing in front of Sam, another secret in the tiny space between us.

“Come to my place?” I said.

He shook his head. “I told a guy I’d run sprints with him early. I don’t have any of my gear with me.”

Sam privately coached some high-school rugby players, often at the crack of ass on Sunday mornings.

“Call you after practice tomorrow?” he said.

“Please.”

He kissed me hard. He kissed me in a way that told me how much he loved me. I kissed him back exactly the same way. And then we split apart, that space between us widening even more.

The air felt cool and cleansing on my skin as I drove my Vespa home. I’d driven a scooter since my mother bought me one in high school, too nervous to have me waiting at city bus stops. I had thought that when I started practicing law, I’d get rid of it, but there was something about driving the Vespa that invigorated me, had never allowed me to let it go.

Ten minutes later, I was back at my Old Town condo on Eugenie Street. The building was a converted brick three-flat. Mine was the top unit, which I loved because of the rooftop deck where Sam and I used to spend so much time. The downside of my place was the three flights of stairs.

By the time I reached my condo and let myself in, I was exhausted—from the lack of sleep last night, from Jane’s confessions and the creepy break-in, from the weight of having to keep things from Sam.

The small living room had pine floors and a turn-of-the-century marble fireplace with a swirling bronze grate. I slumped into my yellow chair and tried to let the whirlwind of the last few days drain away.

My phone dinged, telling me I had a new text. I picked it up, expecting something from Sam, something about how he was missing me already.

But it was a number I didn’t recognize, one with a 773 area code.

It’s Theo, the text read. I’ve stopped myself 300 times from texting you today. I give.

I smiled. I’ve thought about you a few times today too, I wrote. It was the truth. I was aware, distantly, of how quickly I had swung from Theo to Sam and back again.

What are you doing? he wrote.

Just got home. Weird night.

Meet me out? There’s a great band playing in Bucktown.

I looked at my watch. It’s almost midnight.

So?

Can’t, I wrote. Have to get up early tomorrow.

Then let me come over, he wrote.

I laughed, then typed, Nothing like cutting to the chase.

You’ve taken over my head. Let me see you.

I thought of Jane saying, I get different things from different people … When I’m with them, I get to see myself in a different way than I do every other day.

Now I knew what she meant. Being with Theo, with someone younger and edgy and tattooed, was, quite simply, different than being with Sam, a blond, rugby-playing financial guy. And it was captivating to get a chance to see myself differently, to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

I ignored the memory of Q saying, This thing is going to be a train wreck. Instead, I sat forward on my yellow chair now, holding my phone, and I let that captivation sing through my body.

I lifted the phone. I texted, I’ll open the front door.