Tempted

“Because he is a kind and good man. That should be enough.”

Evan stared at her, but the sincere look she returned convinced him to accept her assertion at face value. “Perhaps he has mellowed.”

“Evan, he is embarking on the last great enterprise of his life. This canal project is the last thing he will have a chance to do that will make a difference in the world. I will not have you dashing those dreams. Can’t you just agree to build it?”

“I suppose I have done more for lesser reasons. Very well, mon général,” he gibed, saluting. “I will do as you say. But I am doing it for you, not for him.”

“Do it for yourself, for your sons.”

“I won’t have any sons.”

“Of course you will…eventually.”

“But not by you?”

“No,” she said with a shudder.

He studied her face. Her expression was stubborn, but in defense of his father or in a determination not to cry?

“Then I will do it for Terry’s sons.”

“Don’t lay that at my door, Evan,” she snapped. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry. But I don’t think I want sons, anyway. Not if they have to go through what I’ve gone through. It’s just not worth it.” He urged Taurus to a canter, and Molly fortunately followed him without command, for Judith was too numb to guide her.

She could not always tell if Evan was joking. He did so often use a joke to turn aside her sympathy or concern. It was as though he could not handle someone caring about him, since he’d never been used to it. Instead of eating up attention, he shrugged it off very much like a little boy who feels he has outgrown the need for mothering. She had watched it happen with Ralph, and she was watching Thomas begin to spurn that sort of coddling. It broke her heart to steal a few moments alone with him, then have him get impatient when she only wanted to love him a little.

She supposed men eventually grew mature enough to accept affection again and return it. But Evan had never known it, except from Gram, and she was gone now.

They rode the rest of the way home in silence and stopped at the dower house out of habit, to walk the horses in the garden.

“I’m sorry if I was cruel to you. I cannot imagine what you went through in Spain. It was very bad of me to rip up at you when you have already suffered so much.”

“What gave you the idea I suffered? I had the time of my life.”