Hand-Me-Down

“Why?”

Because I just had false-memory sex with a man who thinks this is what I look like. “Charlotte’s birthday’s tonight.”

“I thought it was just family.”

“It is, mostly.”

“Then why…?”

“You remember Ian?”

“With the overbite?” she asked.

“That’s Liam, and it wasn’t an overbite. It was a gap. A chasm. He could whistle with his mouth closed. Anyone would’ve broken up with him. That wasn’t my fault. If you’re going to—”

“Oh, that Ian. Who you asked to give you a little ba-da-boom at Emily’s book party.”

“Yeah. Him.”

“God, you were so in love.”

“I wasn’t—”

“He’s back in town? Are you gonna ask him again?” In an atrocious English accent, she said, “Fancy a shag, Ian? I may be an old slapper, but—”

“I never asked him—I never used the word ‘shag,’ thank you very much.”

Still Dickensian, she said, “Please, sir, may I have another?”

“Would you stop it?”

She giggled. “Well, you did ask if he wanted to get laid, right?”

“Lei-ed! Like a lei, a Hawaiian—” I said, and Wren snorted. “Hey, at least I do get laid. Don’t make me talk about naked Kevin.”

That sobered her right up. “I still can’t believe you did that.” She meant squirt her with water.

“Has he called yet?”

“If I get pneumonia, it’s your fault.”

“He’ll call,” I reassured her. “You’ll see him Wednesday, anyway. Wet T-shirt night.”

“This, from the girl who wants to use my discount?”

But Wren never could resist dressing me up. I wanted the green Ana Sui dress with red chrysanthemums—because it had the same color combination as Wren’s necklace and shoes—but she insisted on more practical items. Although she did encourage me to splurge on a gorgeous pair of Blumarine shoes guaranteed to make my legs look like Nicole Kidman’s, and my feet feel like victims of Chinese foot-binding.

Still. When we finished shopping, I looked positively almost kinda Charlotte-esque. If you squinted.

Barely made it to work by one o’clock, wearing one of my new outfits. I’d bought three, but only spent $700, which sounds like a lot—sounds like more than my weekly after-tax pay, actually—but is in fact a bargain, as I got maybe $1000 worth of clothes. I could return one or two items, but these were the kind of prices—I mean, pieces—that made me look both curvy and skinny. I was definitely ten pounds lighter than I’d been in the soccer shorts. Maybe fifteen.

“Morning, Polliwog,” Rip said when I knocked on his open door. “Or should I say afternoon? Hey, you know where I can find the Wilkenson file?”

I posed in the doorway instead of answering. He had to have noticed I’d dropped ten pounds.

“Oh, um—how’d the shopping go?” he asked. “What did you get Charlotte?”

I turned sideways to show off my new curves.

“Was forty bucks enough?”

I gave up and tromped into his office. “I got her a plant.” I’d picked up something at Honeysuckle, Charlotte’s favorite florist, after leaving Element. “Forty was fine.”

“A plant?”

“She loves plants. It’ll be great. Oh, and Emily insisted I go in with her on some antique thing, for Charlotte.”

“So you got two gifts? She’s the rich one, you know.”

“Rich, beautiful, perfect. How could I forget?”

“How could anyone forget? You bring it up every ten minutes.” He looked suddenly concerned “Um, listen. I’m showing the Brenners a couple houses at five o’ clock—not sure when we’ll be done….”

“You’re going to miss the party.”

“No, no. I’ll be there.”

“How late?”

He shook his head. “She’s the mildew-sniffer, it’s like showing a house to a bloodhound. I don’t know if we’ll be done by six. Probably not. Probably seven. You want me to cancel? I can put them off a few days.”

“You’d put off clients, for me?” He’d built his company one client at a time, with word-of-mouth and customer service. He babied his clients terribly—and it was nice to hear he’d baby me even more. “What if you lose the sale?”

“You’re worth it.”

I gazed adoringly. “Wren says I don’t deserve you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” he said. “Of course you don’t.”

I laughed, hoping he was joking. “I promised Charlotte I’d bathe the kids before dinner, so I have to go early. Just come when you’re finished. But thanks.”

“It’ll all be over tomorrow. At least for another year.”

“Yeah.”

Except it wouldn’t. Sure, I hated Charlotte’s birthday. And maybe I was overreacting to Ian’s sudden reappearance. But what really troubled me was the VD. I didn’t dislike my job, but it was going exactly nowhere. Rip was wonderful, but that made things even worse—why wasn’t I head-over-heels?

I had no plan and no passion. I was cast in the shade of my sisters, and though I secretly longed for the sun I was like a…I was a, um…yeesh. I couldn’t even think of a good metaphor. What I was, was a loser.