Only When I Larf

‘I’ve never told anyone before,’ he said. ‘But when I was a kid I used to help out in my father’s shop on a Saturday. One day I stole three dollars from the till and took my kid brother to the movies. On the way back from the movies he kept threatening to tell my folks. He showed me a picture of the Federal Courthouse and he said that’s where they took kids who stole money from their parents. He said they made the kids leap from the top of the building and that if they were innocent they just floated to the ground, but if they were guilty they fell and were killed. I was just terrified. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling that I was falling. You know that feeling?’

‘They say your heart stops don’t they? They say it’s jumping like that, that starts it again.’

‘I used to wake up with a start every night for weeks. I’d have this nightmare about falling off the Federal Court building. I used to sweat. I really suffered. I learned my lesson. I never stole again, not a dime.’

Johnny came back from the cigarette machine. ‘Hadn’t we better be getting upstairs?’ he asked. He looked at both of us puzzled. ‘What have you two been talking about?’ Karl said, ‘I was just relating a dream I once had.’

‘Never do that,’ said Johnny. ‘Never relate dreams, or the stories of films you saw, it bores everyone.’

Karl smiled at me. He didn’t smile often, but when he did you could see it brewing up for quite a time. Now he opened his mouth and let it go. It was a big white smile and he held it between his teeth for a moment. It crinkled the corners of his bright eyes and he swung round to give me a profile shot. Wow, what a smile. I’ll bet that had the girls of Denver running down the road with their skirts flying.

I took them upstairs to where Silas was waiting for us. ‘Hello there Johnny, hello there Karl,’ said Silas, striding across the room and pumping their hands. He waved them into armchairs and admired the view with them. Then he produced a silver flask and some glasses. ‘Drink?’ he said. Rule four; never drink on duty. If you must, make it a soft drink, say it’s doctor’s orders. So you can imagine I was surprised when Silas poured three large ones and began drinking with scarcely a pause to say cheers.

Silas was relaxing now as the operation got under way. They sipped at the Scotch, ‘Special,’ said Silas. ‘One of the best whisky distilleries in Scotland just happens to be on an island that we own.’ Both marks sipped the whisky and Johnny, the short one, said, ‘Jumping Jehosofat, Stevie, that’s smooth.’

‘Bought it in 1959,’ said Silas. ‘Got five positive results on the mineral analysis, but so far we are not going ahead with any of them.’ He looked at the whisky. ‘Got to keep a sense of proportion, what?’

I interrupted their laughter. ‘You’ve got our Stockholm Chemical Managing Director upstairs at three o’clock Sir Stephen,’ I said.

‘Sir Stephen?’ yelled the sharp eyed one. ‘Sir Stephen? Are you a lord, Stevie?’

‘Just a baronet,’ Silas muttered. The sharp eyed mark looked back at the door panel, nudged his partner and nodded towards it. The fat mark gave an almost imperceptible nod of acknowledgment. Silas had insisted that the gold lettered door panel would be worth the money.

Silas waved away their admiration. ‘Give those away with packets of tea in England you know. All the chaps who were on Churchill’s scientific advisory board during the war got a knighthood. Goodness knows why. Stop us writing our memoirs perhaps.’

‘I don’t follow you, Sir Latimer.’

‘Sir Stephen we say. Well, you see, none of us people who were really close to Winnie, really close to him, felt it would be quite the thing to write our memoirs. When you are close to a man …’ He gave a shrug. ‘Well anyway, none of us did. Left that for the Generals and the chaps who really did the fighting, what?’

The two marks smiled at each other. ‘Anyway,’ said Silas. ‘I’ve got our chief man in Scandinavia coming through New York today. I’ve left his entertainment in the very capable hands of one of our vice presidents. A man with a little more stamina than I have.’ Silas gave them a lecherous wink and the sharp eyed mark watched me out of the corner of his eye.

‘But,’ said Silas. ‘In half an hour or so I’ll have to go up to our penthouse suite and shake his hand.’

‘We could let …’ began the fat mark, sliding his bottom around in the chair.

‘You are to stay right here,’ said Silas firmly. ‘That’s why I received you in this office instead of one of the penthouse entertainment suites upstairs, in spite of the fact that I have no ice or soda here.’

‘I’ve been in and out of this building a million times,’ said Karl, ‘and I’ve never seen no sign of a penthouse on the top floor. I thought the top floor was a radio station.’

‘We bought that in ’48,’ said Silas. ‘They were using too much space up there, so we spent a little money on the conversion. Now the penthouses have the same entrance hall as the radio station reception.’ Silas placed a finger along his nose. ‘And, as you say, there is no sign. Discreet eh? You chaps must use it sometime. Perhaps a party next week? My Vice President in charge of entertainment has some remarkable resources,’ he paused, ‘or perhaps I’m just a little old fashioned.’

I could see Silas was getting carried away so I went next door and buzzed him on the intercom.

‘It’s Mr Glover Junior, Sir Stephen, he’s flown in from Nassau on the company plane. He says it’s urgent.’

‘Get him,’ said Silas.

Bob was waiting outside. Silas’s vicuna overcoat was a little too large for him, but he wore it draped around his shoulders. He was shaved and his hair neatly parted, I’d pressed his suit to perfection and with his gold cufflinks and quiet tie he looked tough and adult and rather dishy. I hadn’t noticed that before.

‘Don’t try the stutter,’ I warned. ‘You know what happens; you forget to do it halfway through.’

‘Out of my way, princess,’ said Bob, and gave me a familiar nudge. One day Silas would catch him doing that and say that I’ve encouraged it. I’ve never encouraged it. There’s only one man in my life; Silas. I have to have the best, but Bob was rather dishy.

He opened the office door with a crash.

‘Yes?’ said Silas, not simulating his irritation.

‘Mr G …’ Bob began, overplaying his stutter very considerably. ‘Graham King sent me.’ Bob finished. Silas nodded, ‘This is Otis Glover, from the Nassau office,’ he said to the marks. ‘What is it?’ he said to Bob.

‘Mr King is worried about the nomin …’

‘Nominees,’ supplied Silas.

Bob nodded. ‘No need to worry about them,’ said Silas beaming with goodwill. ‘Here they are,’ he made an extravagant gesture toward the marks as though he had just manufactured them.

‘King is worried about them,’ said Bob. ‘He says that we don’t know them.’

‘We?’

‘Amalgamated Minerals B … Bahamas Ltd.’ said Bob. He was overdoing the stutter.

Silas introduced the marks to Bob. I find it difficult to remember them. There were so many faces that they become one composite face; credulous, boggle eyed, greedy. Silas always remembered them. Every little detail; their native towns and companies they owned, their ailments, cars and fetishes, and even their wife’s and kids’ first names.

‘Now you do know them,’ said Silas. ‘So that problem is disposed of.’

‘N … n … n … no sir,’ said Bob. ‘We’ll need more than that if they are going to be allowed to bid with two million dollars of Corporation money.’

Silas took off his half-frame glasses and motioned Bob into a chair. ‘Look Glover, these gentlemen will be with you on the company jet this afternoon …’

Bob interrupted him, ‘But I’ve been sent here to say that if the nominees invest on their own behalf there must be certain conditions.’

‘Conditions?’ said Silas. ‘These gentlemen are friends of mine. They must be allowed something for their trouble.’

‘They are getting something,’ said Bob. ‘The villa in Rock Sound is being prepared …’

‘Rock Sound is beautiful,’ said Silas to the marks, ‘that’s the finest of all the V.I.P. villas. Fishing, swimming, sun bathing; my word, how I envy you.’

Bob continued doggedly, ‘The yacht is under sailing orders and the servants have been told to prepare for two couples.’

‘But there’s only two of us,’ interrupted Johnny.

‘The night is young,’ said Silas. ‘This evening there’ll be a party in your honour, music, dancing, fine food, drink and with lots of beautiful girls.’

‘Oh,’ said the mark, and stole a self-conscious glance at me. I didn’t react.

Bob said, ‘All they have to do is to sign a couple of papers and pin our cheque to them. These nominee bids are very simple. We usually use one of our Bay Street friends.’

‘That’s for you to decide when it’s a local deal, but when New York is involved, then I choose the nominees,’ said Silas.