Confessions Of Con Cregan, the Irish Gil Blas

“He’s one of Betty Cobbe’s chickens!” shouted out an old savage-faced beggar-man, who was terribly indignant at the great misdirection of public sympathy; “and a nice clutch they are!”

“What is it to you, Dan, where the crayture gets his bread?” rejoined an old newsvender, who, in all likelihood, had once been a parlor boarder in the same seminary.

“Never mind them, but answer me, my lad!” said the gentleman. “If you are willing to take service, and can find any one to recommend you – ”

“Sure, we’ll all go bail for him – to any amount!” shouted out the little crippled fellow, from his “bowl;” and certainly a most joyous burst of laughter ran through the crowd at the sentiment.

“Maybe ye think I’m not a householder,” rejoined the fellow, with a grin of assumed anger; “but have n’t I my own sugar hogshead to live in, and devil receave the lodger in the same premises!”

“I see there ‘s no chance of our being able to settle anything here,” said the gentleman. “These good people think the matter more their own than ours; so meet to-morrow, my lad, at Dycer’s, at twelve o’clock, and bring me anything that can speak for your character.” As he said these few words he brushed the crowd to one side with his whip, and forcing his way, with the air of a man who would not be denied, left the place.

“And he ‘s laving the crayture without givin’ him a farden!” cried one of the mob, who suddenly saw all the glorious fabric of a carouse and a drunken bout disappear like a mirage.

“Oh, the ‘tarnal vagabond” shouted another, more indignantly; “to desart the child that a-way, – and he that won the race for him!”

“Will yez see the little crayture wronged?” said another, who appeared by his pretentious manner to be a practised street orator. “Will yez lave the dissolute orphan – ” he meant “desolate” – “to be chayted out of his pater money? Are yez men at all? or are yez dirty slaves of the bloody ‘stokessy that’s murderin’ ould Ireland’?”

“We’ll take charge of the orphan, and of you too, my smart fellow, if you don’t brush off pretty lively!” said a policeman, as, followed by two others, he pushed through the crowd with that cool determination that seems to be actually an instinct with them. Then, laying a strong hand on my collar, he went on: “How did you come by that mare, my lad?”

“She belongs to Captain De Courcy, of the Royal Hospital,” said I, doing my utmost to seem calm and collected.

“We know that already; what we want to hear is, what brought you here with her? It was n’t Captain De Courcy’s orders?”

“No, sir. I was told to hold her for him, and – and – ”

“And so you rode off with her, – out with it, it saves time, my lad. Now, let me ask you another question: Have you any notion of the crime you have just committed? Do you know that it amounts to horse-stealing? And do you know what the penalty is for that offence?”

“No, sir; I know neither one nor the other,” said I, resolutely; “and, if I did, it doesn’t matter much. As well to live upon prison diet as to starve in the streets!”

“He’s a bad ‘un; I told ye that!” remarked another of the policemen. “Take him off, Grimes!” and so, amid a very general but subdued murmur of pity and condolence from the crowd, I was dragged away on one side, while the mare was led off on another.

It was a terrible tumble down, from being a hero to an embryo felon; from being cheered by the populace, to being collared by a policeman! As we went along towards Dublin on a jaunting-car, I was regaled by interesting narratives of others who had begun life like myself, and took an abrupt leave of it in a manner by no means too decorous. The peculiarity of anecdote which pertains to each profession was strongly marked in these officers of the law; and they appeared to have studied the dark side of human nature with eyes the keenest and most scrutinizing.

I wish I could even now forget the long and dreary hours of the night that ensued, as I lay, with some fifty others, in the jail of the station-house. The company was assuredly not select, nor their manners at all improved by the near approach of punishment. It seemed as if all the disguises of vice were thrown off at once, and that iniquity stood forth in its own true and glaring livery. I do not believe that the heart can ever experience a ruder shock than when an unfledged criminal first hears himself welcomed into the “Masonry” of guilt. To be claimed by such associates as a fellow-laborer, to be received as one of the brethren into the guild of vice, is really an awful blow to one’s self-esteem and respect; to feel yourself inoculated with a disease whose fatal marks are to stamp you like this one or that, sends a shuddering terror through the heart, whose cold thrill is never, in a life-long afterwards, thoroughly eradicated.

There should be a quarantine for suspected guilt, as for suspected disease; and the mere doubt of rectitude should not expose any unfortunate creature to the chances of a terrible contagion! I do not affect by this to say that I was guiltless, – not in the least; but my crime should scarcely have classified me with the associates by whom I was surrounded. Nor was a night in such company the wisest mode of restoring to the path of duty one who might possibly have only slightly deviated from the straight line.

When morning came I was marched off, with a strong phalanx of other misdoers, to the College Street office, where a magistrate presided whose bitterest calumniators could never accuse of any undue leanings towards mercy. By him I had the satisfaction of hearing a great variety of small offences decided with a railroad rapidity, only interrupted now and then by a whining lamentation over the “lenity of the legislature,” that never awarded one tithe of the suitable penalty, and bewailing his own inability to do more for the criminal than send him to prison for two months with hard labor, and harder diet to sweeten it.

At last came my name; and as I heard it shouted aloud, it almost choked me with a nervous fulness in the throat. I felt as though I was the greatest criminal in the universe, and that the whole vast assemblage had no other object or aim there than to see me arraigned for my offence.

I was scarcely ordered to advance before I was desired to stand back again, the prosecutor, Captain De Courcy, not being in court. While a policeman was, therefore, despatched by the magistrate to request that he would have the kindness to appear, – for the captain was an honorable and an aide-de-camp, titles which the sitting justice knew well how to respect, – other cases were called and disposed of. It was nigh three o’clock when a great bustle in the outer court and a tremendous falling back of the dense crowd, accompanied by an ostentatious display of police zeal, heralded a group of officers, who, with jingling spurs and banging sabretaches, made their way to the bench, and took their seats beside the justice. Many were the courtesies interchanged between the magistrate and the captain: one averring that the delay was not in the slightest degree inconvenient; the other professing the greatest deference for the rules of court; neither bestowing a thought upon him most deeply concerned of all.

A very brief narrative, delivered by the captain with a most military abruptness, detailed my offence; and, although not exaggerated in the slightest degree, the occasional interruptions of the magistrate served very considerably to magnify its guilt, – such as “Dear me! a favorite mare; a pure Arab; a present from your noble father, Lord Littlemore; infamous treatment; abominable case; abandoned young scoundrel!” and so on; closing with the accustomed peroration of regret that, as hanging was now done away with, he feared that the recorder could only award me a transportation for life!

“Have you anything to say, sirrah?” said he at last, turning towards me; “or would you rather reserve your observations for another time? as I shall certainly commit you for trial at the commission.”

“I have only to suggest,” said I, with an air of most insolent composure, “that you are probably mistaken in your law. The offence with which I stand charged amounts, at most, to the minor one of breach of trust.”

“What! have we got a lawyer in the dock?” said the magistrate, reddening with fear and anger together.

“I have enjoyed some opportunities of legal study, your worship,” said I, “and am happy to state that my opinion in the present instance will not discredit the assertion. The case stands thus: I am employed by the Honorable Captain De Courcy to perform a particular duty, which is of the distinct nature of a trust; that trust, whose importance I do not seek to extenuate in the slightest, I fail in. I will not plead the strong temptation of a race and a great spectacle. I will not allege, as perhaps I might, the example of my companions, then revelling in all the pleasures of the day. I will simply say that no one fact can be adduced to favor the suspicion of a meditated robbery; and that my conduct, so palpably open and public, rejects the least assumption of the kind, and at the utmost can establish nothing beyond what I am willing to plead guilty to, – a breach of trust.”

“Listen to the Attorney-General! By the hokey, it’s himself they ‘ve in the dock!” said one.

“That’s the chap can give them chapter and varse!” cried another.

“Silence there! Keep silence in the court!” said the justice, now really warm with passion. “I’d have you to know, sirrah,” said he, addressing me, “that your pettifogging shrewdness is anything but favorable to you in the unfortunate position in which you stand. I shall commit you for trial, and would advise you – it is the only piece of advice I ‘ll trouble you with – to charge some more skilful advocate with your defence, and not intrust it to the knavish flippancy of conceit and chicanery.”

“I mean to have counsel, your worship,” said I, resolutely; for my blood was up, and I would have argued with the twelve judges. “I mean to have one of the first and most eminent at the bar for my defence. Mr. Mansergh, of Merrion Square, will not refuse my brief when he sees the fee I can offer him.”

A regular roar of laughter filled the court; the impudence of my speech, and my thus introducing the name of one of the very first men at the bar, as likely to concern himself for such a miserable case and object, was too much for any gravity; and when the magistrate turned to comment upon my unparalleled assurance and impertinence to Captain De Courcy, he discovered that the honorable captain had left his place.

Such was the fact! The dashing aide-de-camp was at that moment standing in earnest converse with myself beside the dock.

“May I speak with this boy in another room, your worship?” said he, addressing the court.

“Certainly, Captain De Courcy! Sergeant Biles, show Captain De Courcy into my robing-room.”

The honorable captain did not regain his composure immediately on finding himself alone with me; on the contrary, his agitation was such that he made two or three efforts before he could utter the few words with which he first addressed me.

“What did you mean by saying that Mr. Mansergh would defend you? and what was the fee you alluded to?” were the words.

“Just what I said, sir,” said I, with the steady assurance a confidence of victory gives. “I thought it was better to have able counsel; and as I know I have the means of recompensing him, the opportunity was lucky.”

“You don’t pretend that you could afford to engage one like him, my lad?” said he, affecting, but very poorly, an air of easy composure. “What could you give him?”

“A note, sir; and although it never issued from the Bank, one not without value!”

The captain became deadly pale; he made one step towards the door, and in a low voice of ill-restrained anger said, “I’ll have you searched, sirrah! If anything belonging to me is found upon you – ”

“No fear, sir,” said I, composedly; “I have taken precautions against that; the note is safe!”

He threw himself upon a chair, and stared at me steadily for some minutes without a word. There we were, each scanning the other, and inwardly calculating how to win the game we were playing.

“Well,” said he, at last; “what are your terms? You see I give in.”

“And so best,” said I; “it saves time. I ask very little from your honor, – nothing more, in fact, than to have this charge dismissed. I don’t mean to wear rags all my life, and consort with vagabonds, and so I dislike to have it said hereafter that I was ever arraigned or committed for an offence like this. You must tell the justice that it was some blunder or mistake of your orders to me; some accidental circumstance or other, – I don’t much care what, or how; nor will he, if the explanation comes from you! This done, I ‘ll place the note in your hand within half an hour, and we need never see much more of each other.”

“But who is to secure me that you keep your promise?”

“You must trust to me,” said I, carelessly; “I have no bail to give.”

“Why not return now, with the policeman, for the note, before I speak to the justice?”

“Then who is to go bail for you?” said I, smiling.

“You are a cool fellow, by Jove!” cried he, at the steady impudence which I maintained in the discussion.