Emily's Daughter

His clasp was warm and strong, another thing she remembered about him. Her pulse quickened and she had trouble breathing, but she heard herself talking. She had no idea what she was saying. All she knew was that she had to get out of the room and fast.

Within seconds she was in the hallway, almost running to her office. Why hadn’t she read the memo? she chastised herself. Then she would’ve known. She would have been prepared. She rushed into her bathroom, closed the door and leaned heavily against it. Pushing away from the door, she sat on the toilet and buried her face in her hands. Why now? Why did Jackson have to come back into her life now? Especially after last night. The dream was still vivid in her mind. Did her daughter—no, she corrected herself, their daughter—have those deep green eyes? She’d never know and neither would Jackson because she would never tell him about their daughter.

She stood up and glanced in the mirror. She looked like hell. She smoothed a hand over her dark hair and tightened the clip at the back of her head. Opening a drawer, she took out some makeup. She powdered her face and applied lipstick, but it didn’t help; she still looked hollow-eyed and tired. Jackson probably hadn’t even recognized her, she thought grimly. Very little of the happy, laughing teenager he had known was left.

She hadn’t lost her composure like this in years. Seeing him, so suddenly, so unexpectedly, was a shock, and it had blown her professional persona completely to shreds. Jackson must think she was some babbling idiot, and Dr. Benson would demand an explanation of her rude behavior.

What if her colleagues knew the truth? What if they knew her secret? Would they look at her differently? Of course not, she told herself. They were professionals like herself and they would understand. During their years in the medical profession, they’d frequently seen teenage pregnancies. Everyone made mistakes; adoption was a legitimate way out. It gave the mother a second chance and it gave the baby a loving family. But things weren’t always that simple, especially for the birth mother. No matter what age, giving away a child wasn’t easy. She knew that first-hand. After all these years, she still couldn’t justify her actions. Guilt was always with her. Looking back, she knew adoption had been the wrong choice for her. Right for many other girls, but wrong for her. So many times she wished she’d stood up to her mother because now she knew that her parents would have eventually come around. Even though they abhorred the idea of her having a baby out of wedlock, they would’ve supported her. She could have managed to get her education and still keep her baby. If only… Hindsight was twenty-twenty, as people always said, and it didn’t help the way she felt about herself. She had given away the most precious part of herself—her child—and nothing would ever make that right.

She’d blamed her mother for years and their relationship was still strained. But in her heart she knew it was her own fault. She’d gone along with everything her mother had planned for her future—and that future did not include a baby.

It was so long ago, yet it seemed like yesterday. She grew up as an only child in Rockport, Texas. She was pampered and protected, and she was happy. In school, she was at the head of her class. The kids called her brainy, but it didn’t bother her because she recognized that their teasing was affectionate. She was friends with everyone. Then, in her senior year, Emily’s life started to fall apart.

At forty, her mother discovered she was pregnant. It was a shock to everyone—especially Emily. She was so naive that she’d never thought about her parents having sex; she couldn’t even imagine them doing such a thing. They were too old, she kept telling herself. Inevitably, the kids started to tease her about her sexy parents and it became an embarrassment. For seventeen years, she’d been a model daughter, but the new baby changed her whole attitude. She grew rebellious, staying out late and arguing with her parents.

Then Jackson Talbert came into her life. Her father was a fishing guide in Rockport, a small town on the Gulf coast. Jackson and his father had come down for two weeks of fishing after Thanksgiving. Her parents had cottages they rented to tourists during the peak months. During the winter season, if a person wanted a fishing trip and also asked for accommodations, her father always rented the back room. The cottages were closed until March, so it was easier for her mother to have everyone in the house.

When Emily had first seen Jackson, she thought he was the handsomest man she’d ever seen, with his blond hair, green eyes and charming smile. He was tall, with a trim, athletic body. She was sure he’d played football, and later he told her that he had in high school. Football players usually ignored Emily. She wasn’t the cheerleading, pompom-shaking type, so she couldn’t help feeling excited when Jackson took an interest in her. He was older and much more mature than the boys she dated. He seemed a balm to the misery she was experiencing over the new baby.

It started with smiles and innocent flirting, then sitting on the front porch talking while their parents sat in the kitchen planning the next fishing trip. She knew her mother was watching her and that made her angry. She was old enough to do what she wanted. Her parents didn’t consult her about their lives, so she wouldn’t consult them about hers.

Emily groaned now, a sound of pure disgust. It echoed her feelings about the way she was back then—spoiled and selfish. She left the bathroom and sat in her chair, staring into space. She could remember it all so clearly, could remember sneaking off to the beach to be alone with Jackson. It was wintertime, but they hardly noticed as they laughed, held hands and talked about their lives. He’d just graduated from college and was working in his father’s hardware store. He had a degree in computer science and hoped to work in the computer field, but his father wanted him to take over the family business. He was torn between his family and his dream.

She told him about her plans to become a doctor and how it was all she’d ever wanted to be. Before she knew it, she was head over heels in love and Jackson seemed to feel the same way. She told him things she’d never told anyone else, and making love seemed a natural conclusion to all the tumultuous feelings inside her.

Late at night they would grab a blanket and steal away to the beach to make love and to be with each other. Jackson always used a condom. They knew it was important to be careful, but the night before he left, they made love more than once and used the same condom.

She was so young she didn’t even realize how unwise that was. She only wanted to spend every possible moment with him. That night she cried because he was leaving, but he promised he’d call and he’d come back as soon as he could. Famous last words. She sighed in disbelief at her own innocence.

Of course he never called and he never came back. Every day she’d rush home from school and wait for the phone to ring, but she waited in vain. By the end of January her body began showing signs of something she didn’t even want to think about. She bought a pregnancy test kit and her worst fears were confirmed—she was pregnant.

She didn’t know what else to do, so she called the Talbert Hardware Store in Dallas. Jackson would help her, she kept telling herself. The man who answered the phone said Jackson wasn’t in and claimed he had no idea when he’d be back. She called again the next day and the day after that and always got the same answer. Finally the man, irritated with her many phone calls, told her Jackson had left and wasn’t expected to return. She got the feeling he was lying to her and it hit her that a lot of girls probably called the store looking for Jackson. She realized just how stupid she’d been. Jackson wasn’t going to call and he had no intention of coming back. It was all a line—a line guys used on naive girls like her. Facing the truth was hard, and it was the first grown-up thing she’d had to do in her life.

Her mother was having a difficult time with her pregnancy and had to stay in bed. Emily struggled with how to tell her that she was pregnant, too, but her mother noticed the changes in her. She confronted her one day in the bathroom and Emily admitted she was.

Her mother yelled at her and called her stupid and ignorant, but in the end relented and said she’d take care of everything. Emily didn’t have to worry, she said; an unwanted child wasn’t ruining her life. She went on to say that Emily would have to give the child up for adoption. It simply wasn’t possible for her to keep the baby with college and med school ahead of her, and her parents wouldn’t be able to help because they had their own on the way. Emily had made a mistake and now she had to do the right thing.

She was appalled at what her mother was suggesting, but when she appealed to her father he said she couldn’t upset Rose any more than she already had. There was a chance she might lose her baby. So Emily felt she didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t cause her parents any more misery. Dealing with that cold, hard truth was the second adult thing she had to do. She thought of running away, but she’d heard horrible stories of what had happened to girls who’d left home on their own. She became like a robot going through the motions of everyday life and letting her mother take over completely.

Her mother forced her to stay in school. With her grades she would graduate as valedictorian of her class and receive scholarships for college—and she did, just as her mother had planned. Even though Rose grew enormous with her own pregnancy, Emily gained very little weight and was able to hide her expanding waistline with loose-fitting clothes. No one guessed she was hiding a secret.

After graduation, her father whisked her off to San Antonio to live with her mother’s aunt and to wait for the arrival of the baby. She wanted to stay home because her mother’s baby was due in a couple of weeks and she wanted to be there for the birth. But Rose said that Emily was getting too big and people would start talking and Emily needed to be in San Antonio where they’d arranged for the adoption to take place.

She hated living with her great-aunt, who quoted scripture to her so she could see the error of her ways. She spent a lot of time in her room, reading and talking to her child. As the baby grew inside her, so did her motherly instincts. Everything was set for the adoption, but somehow she never really believed it. She just kept hoping she could find a way to keep her child, which only made it harder for her in the end.

Her mother delivered a girl the first week in June and her father called to say they weren’t doing well. Emily pleaded to go home, to be with them, but her parents refused. Her resentment over the new baby had vanished in the wake of all the turmoil in her life, and she wanted to see her new sister. Instead she sat by the phone waiting for news. She felt banished by her parents and knew she deserved everything that was happening to her.

Her mother had a heart murmur and the birth had further weakened her heart. The months of June and July were rough for Emily because she didn’t know what was going on at home, but her father said not to worry. Everything would be fine.

Emily’s baby was due at the end of August, but due to stress the baby came early. She lay in a hospital bed in excruciating pain, giving birth—alone. They told her she’d had a girl and Emily begged to hold her, just to see her, but the nurse said it was best if she didn’t. The baby was given to a couple who was waiting to love her and to raise her as their own. The nurse told her she’d done the right thing and in time she would see that, but she never did. Not a day had gone by that she hadn’t thought about her daughter in some way or other.

When her father arrived, he found her in a fetal position, crying. He, too, told her she’d done the right thing. All she could think about was going home—to forget and to be with her family. Again her father refused, saying her mother wasn’t well and she had her hands full caring for the new baby. Emily said she could help, but her father said she needed to regain her strength and make plans for college. That was what her mother wanted for her. She felt as if her parents had washed their hands of her and she cried and cried…for herself…for her baby…for so many things.

In September, her father took her to the University of Texas, where she was enrolled. Again there was no talk of going home. Her mother had sent her some pictures of her new sister and she clung to those like a lifeline. During Thanksgiving break, she was finally able to go home and see her sister for the first time. She was tiny and precious and Emily spent most of the week just holding her, talking to her, trying not to think about her own baby. Those memories came at night when sleep would elude her and she’d ache for a glimpse of her daughter’s face. Would she look anything like her? Or would she favor Jackson? On and on it went over the years and still she had no answers. But she prayed her daughter was healthy and happy and with people who loved her.

She hadn’t known, when she left to have her child, that she’d never be home for any length of time again. She only went home to see her sister, and she was grateful they had a good relationship. Her mother said she spoiled Rebecca and that was another bone of contention between them, but if she could afford to give Rebecca the things she wanted, then she intended to. The arguments with her mother that followed were never pleasant.

Emily slid lower in her chair, sighing deeply. Memories seemed to be weighing her down, smothering her. After all this time, she should be past the pain, but she wasn’t—that was why seeing Jackson so unexpectedly had thrown her. God, she’d made a fool of herself. Now what? Forget about him, she told herself. She was good at forgetting Jackson. She’d spent years doing it.

IT TOOK JACKSON TALBERT about ten seconds to recover, then he made an excuse about getting something from his briefcase and turned away. Emily Ann Cooper. He couldn’t believe it. She was half woman, half child when he’d known her, but today he could see she was all woman and there was not a glimmer of recognition on her pretty face. Could she have forgotten him? Or did she just prefer not to acknowledge him?

He didn’t like either of those possibilities. He had felt they’d shared something out of the ordinary once and he’d always regretted not going back to the coast to see her, but his world had been turned upside down with an aspect of life he was ill-equipped to deal with. And later his life had gone in so many different directions that Emily Cooper became merely a pleasant memory.

She looked great, he thought, and she’d become a doctor just as she’d wished. He was glad for her and he wondered if she was married. Her name was still Cooper, but that didn’t mean anything. It might just be her professional name. Anyone as intelligent and beautiful as Emily had to have someone in her life.

He kept thinking of the young Emily with her warm, bubbly laugh and seductive dark eyes. She’d been a breath of fresh air after the experienced college girls he had dated. He grew warm just remembering their nights on the beach that long-ago winter….

He closed his briefcase and tried to recall what she’d said. Something about busy, patients, had to go. He didn’t catch much else because he was in a state of shock and too preoccupied with staring into her eyes, which were somber and professional. There was no laughter or mischief in their depths. They were serious—maybe a little too serious.

What did he expect? he asked himself. A giggling teenager? He was sure he had changed, too. There was gray in his hair, lines around his eyes and a whole lot of living on his face. But still, she should’ve recognized him. Why hadn’t she said something or, for that matter, why hadn’t he? Well, he planned to rectify that. She worked here, so it should be no problem finding her. And this time they would talk.

THE RINGING OF THE TELEPHONE startled Emily back to reality. It was her private line, so it had to be family.

She picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

“Em, she’s driving me crazy!” The frantic words of her sister resounded in her ear.

Emily took a deep breath, not certain she was in any shape to handle another argument between Becca and their mother. “What is it, Becca? What’s Mother done now?”

“She said I have to be home by ten o’clock from the prom and I have to wear one of my old dresses. Tommy and I had been nominated for prom king and queen, and I have to have something nice and I’m not leaving at ten o’clock. Everyone’ll laugh at me. I can’t take it anymore! If you don’t come home, I’ll run away.”

Emily took another breath. “I told you I’d buy you a dress for the prom, and I’ll talk to Mom about the ten o’clock business.”

“Mom said you can’t buy me anything else.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“In person, okay? She always lightens up when you’re here.”

“I can’t. I’m too busy.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get the message. You’re always too busy for your own family.”

“Becca, that’s not fair.”

“You haven’t been home for ages. Admit it, you can’t get along with her any better than I can, but I’m stuck here.”

“It’s not that bad, and you know it. You can’t get your way so you’re angry right now, but I’ll talk to Mom and we’ll work this out.”