Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage

‘Well, just drive safely.’

We exchange glances and Rick nods in agreement; I didn’t mean to say that, as immediately we both think of Niall.

‘Will do and enjoy your week,’ he calls out as I head down to the cottage.

Today I have to phone Mum about New Year’s Eve, to see whether they will be able to have Maya. I did think of asking Eve first, as she’s having a small family party and it would be great for the two girls to keep each other company. However, I know that it’s a night Mum and Dad rarely go out and they love spending time with Maya. Since Niall passed away there are few reasons for her to go and stay over, so I know they’ll be delighted.

When I open the post I’m rather surprised to see an envelope with Mum’s writing on it. Slitting it open, it’s a card with a picture of some hand-tied roses on the front of it. Inside is a cheque, folded in half, and the note on the card says:

This is a Christmas present and you can’t refuse something that’s given with love at this time of year. Mum and Dad xxx

When I unfold the paper it’s for five thousand pounds. My legs wobble a bit and I sink down onto the dining chair.

‘What the … I can’t take this!’ Talking to oneself out loud probably isn’t best with a six-year-old around, so I stuff the handful of post into my filing tray on the desk. I shout up to Maya to clean her teeth and come straight down afterwards, or we will be late for school. Amelie is probably already waiting for us as it’s my turn to do the ferrying this week.

All the way to school, and back, I can’t stop thinking about the cheque. Yes, I need it, but will my conscience allow me to take it? I have a roof over my head and we don’t go short of anything – all it lacks is a little cosmetics. Is that really enough justification to begin emptying my parents’ little nest egg?

When your thought processes are churning it’s almost like having two voices in your head. Good cop, bad cop. Okay, that’s not quite right, but it’s how it feels.

They’re going to be upset if you don’t take it.

There goes their dream trip to Australia.

No more concrete dust – a floor you can clean!

Mum will admit that she wasn’t looking forward to the long flight anyway.

How selfish are you prepared to be?

It’s a temptation to just take it and say thank you, but it doesn’t feel right. In the end, when I arrive home I go straight inside and phone Mum. An hour and quite a few tears later, I place the cheque on my desk, ready to take it to the bank this afternoon. Mum is over the moon about having Maya to stay on New Year’s Eve, but I’m still feeling as if I’ve been talked into doing something that will rob them of one of their dreams. I’ve become a liability and somehow I have to turn that around. The time has come to stop making excuses and start grabbing hold of life again.

I’m going to do such a great job of this biography that lots of new work will come my way and then I’ll repay my parents every single penny. As a rush of enthusiasm rolls over me the door bell chimes, interrupting my determined, ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ moment.

It’s Luke.

‘Sorry to bother you, Elana. The flashing is done and that’s the really noisy bit out of the way, now. I need to use your outside tap to mix up the cement for the chimney, but it appears to have been turned off, so it must have a separate stop valve. Do you mind if I take a look?’

‘No problem, help yourself.’

Luke steps inside and I leave him to forage under the stairs. On his way out he shouts out a quick thanks and I hurry to catch him before he shuts the door.

‘When you stop for lunch do you think you could pop in? I’d like to talk to you about some of the outstanding work on the cottage. If you haven’t prepared anything, I could make us some sandwiches.’

He nods his head. ‘Sure. I have a pasty if you could nuke it in the microwave for me.’

I can’t help laughing at the thought. ‘No problem. See you in a bit, then.’

He’s so easy-going that’s it’s hard to understand what could have gone wrong with his relationship. Yes, he’s very young, but he seems mature and level-headed enough. Maybe going through the experience of fatherhood and a break-up has made him that way. I catch sight of myself in the hallway mirror and run a hand through my hair, thinking it’s about time I had it cut. I lean in, noticing that the little crow’s feet around my eyes seem much deeper these days. And I now have an awfully sharp frown line on my forehead that seems to deepen with each week that passes. That’s another awful thing about grief, it ages you.

Diary Log – day 491. 21 days to Christmas. Must remember not to frown quite so much. Yes, bad things have happened – the worst – but I’m lucky in that I still have people around me to love and who love me unreservedly in return. Time to remember to count my blessings – appreciate what I have, as opposed to what I haven’t … And Santa, thank you! I didn’t realise you could work that fast.

Chapter 9 (#ulink_1d66ecb3-b5b5-5fec-a320-7265d9815c2f)

Elana (#ulink_1d66ecb3-b5b5-5fec-a320-7265d9815c2f)

Moving Forward Means Accepting Change

Sitting around the kitchen table with Luke, he seems remarkably relaxed and there’s no indication that he feels I’m encroaching on his lunch break. The re-heated pasty on the plate in front of him looks anaemic and unappetising, but that doesn’t put him off as he tucks into it quite heartily. Alongside his plate I’ve buttered some thick slices of beetroot-and-apple bread and he’s already devoured one slice.

‘I’m sorry to be a pain and you must really long to just get on with the original job you’re here to do, so you can finish. It’s just that—’ I stop to find the right words, my eyes sinking to the dusty, grey concrete floor.

‘It’s just that you are living in a partially finished cottage and while you’re pretending everything is fine, it isn’t.’

My mouth goes dry as I look up at him in utter surprise.

‘Oops. Sorry, that sort of came out sounding a bit, um, well – blunt. Some things sound harmless enough when you think them, but unexpectedly harsh when you try to put them into words. I hope I haven’t offended you, that wasn’t my intention.’

He doesn’t seem upset, quite prosaic, actually, and it hasn’t stopped him munching his way through the last of his pasty. I toy with my neat little sandwich.

‘No, not at all. Spot on, really. I try not to let it get to me because up until now there was nothing I could do about it. You see, my husband died last year. Since then virtually nothing has been done on the cottage. It’s like living in two different homes at the same time. Upstairs is a reminder of how the whole place should look: the moment we descend the stairs it’s rather like camping out. Yes, the new kitchen is in place, and I managed to give the walls a coat of paint to tidy it up, but we never expected to live like this for months on end. The dust permeates everything and it’s ruining the sofa, and I worry about how much of it Maya is inhaling—’

Luke hasn’t moved, but he has stopped eating. That’s not a good sign. I feel rather silly, now, as if I’ve just emptied my head of a jumble of words that won’t really mean anything to a young man like Luke.

‘Life isn’t very fair at times, is it, Elana? I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I could seal the floor for you, to stop you worrying about Maya—’

‘Oh, no, really, I wasn’t … didn’t mean. You see, I’ve been given a present that will allow me to have some of the work done. Obviously I’m going to ask your company to give me a quote. But I need help making a list of the jobs that need doing and their individual costs, so that I can decide what exactly I can afford to have done. I mean, is it wise to have the flooring sorted, or will the walls need re-plastering, first? I’m afraid I don’t have a clue about building work in general. Filling, sanding and painting I can do myself, but I have no idea if there’s damp, or any other serious problems that are more important than a nice, clean floor covering. Could you help me on that? I’m happy to pay for your time.’

He picks up the last piece of bread and begins chewing.

‘I’ll tell you what, invite me to dinner this evening and I’ll do a thorough inspection. Then we can sit down after Maya’s gone to bed to look at potential costs and priorities. Or is that over-stepping the mark?’

‘Not at all, it’s helpful. Really. Do you like beef casserole?’

‘I’ll eat anything, if I’m honest. I’m used to microwave meals for one these days, but even before that Anita wasn’t a cook. Highlights for me are trips home for some old-fashioned, hearty dinners. Anyway, I have to get back to work now. My client is a rather demanding lady.’

He starts laughing and I join in. I hope I’m not the proverbial home-owner from hell, but then it’s not that I keep changing my mind, more that the list of jobs that need doing seems endless.

***

‘Mum, here are the words I have to learn for the Christmas play. I’m the wishing star!’

‘Wishing star, you say? And you have words?’ That’s a little puzzling.

‘Of course! I grant each of the three wise men a wish. A bit like Santa, I suppose.’

My heart skips a beat. This could be my opportunity.

‘Well, I’m sure you’ll do a great job. Do you want to write that letter to Santa this evening? Luke is joining us for dinner as he’s going to make a big list of all the jobs that need doing in the cottage. I think it’s time we began to sort things out, don’t you?’