Falling: The Complete Angels Among Us Series

“What’s wrong?” I ask Anna’s best friend, Eva.

“Wedding nerves, it will be fine. Anna’s feeling sick and a bit faint. I’m sure all she needs is a valium to calm her down.” Eva sounds confident, but something constricts my heart like a band has just been placed around it. I scan the room, looking for a spirit—anything out of the norm. But all I can see are bobbing heads, curling tongs being pulled high into the air while two hairdressers work quickly to add finishing touches. Then everything is in slow motion. I raise my hand in front of my face and even that seems to take forever to move the few inches from my lap. I’m on my feet and running back up to the second floor before I have time to think about what I’m doing. I hear myself screaming Seb’s name and when his door opens he runs towards me.

***

“No, no, no…” the tissues in my hand are soggy and the person sitting next to me grabs another handful, thrusting them at me. I have no idea who she is, but she’s crying too. How can anyone accept what has happened today? Where is Seb?

One of the hotel staff enters the room carrying a tray of glasses of water, orange juice and tea. She does the rounds in silence, her face immobile. All around are little groups of people, huddled together. Some are still crying, others look ashen. Most of the family members are nowhere to be seen. How can this have happened? How can someone so radiant and happy suddenly let go of life as if it were a tenuous thread? Anna was healthy, this was the day about which she had dreamed all of her life. A part of me knows that I can’t be with Seb at the moment and that he can’t be with me, but I need to find out who’s with him.

“Have you seen Seb?” I ask the woman who handed me the tissues.

“He’s with Anna’s mother and the doctor. Best leave them for a while.” She chokes back a sob. “You’re Seb’s sister, aren’t you? I’m Anna’s aunt, Claire.”

We acknowledge each other briefly with a nod, both trying to hold back the tears that keep filling our eyes. Looking around the room there are no words to deal with this moment, everyone is in a state of complete and utter shock. There is a low murmur hovering over people while they console each other.

“Do you know what happened? I think I fainted. I remember Tom helping me onto the sofa,” I take a glass of water from the tray offered to me and Claire takes one too. We sip in silence.

“I didn’t realise anything was wrong until I heard someone scream out. I think it was Anna’s mother, then Seb ran past me and he began shouting for help. The doctor arrived a little while ago and shortly afterwards someone came in to say that Anna was dead. I can’t believe it. She was fine this morning, a little nervous, but radiant.” Another tear rolls down Claire’s face and I can no longer stem my own tears. She places her hand over mine and squeezes. The unthinkable has happened. Anna has hurt Seb, but not in the way I had expected and my heart sends out a silent sorry. I knew it from the very start of their relationship, only I didn’t understand how or why it would happen. In my heart I can feel that a little part of my brother died with Anna today and I know there is nothing I can do to ease his pain.

***

I extend my leave from work by another four days. It seems that every day is worse than the one before, while the reality of what has happened really begins to sink in. Seb can’t talk to me yet about his feelings and I understand that. He has to keep going in the only way he knows how, and that’s to hold his emotions in check while he helps Anna’s family make the funeral arrangements. Alex offered to be my escort and he slept over for the first two nights after that fateful day. Nothing happened between us. We lay in bed, his arms around me and he let me cry. I slept fitfully, full of remorse and guilt. Another person I wasn’t able to save. I had let my brother down. What good is a gift if you can’t use it to help those you love, if you can’t protect them from the pain of an unnecessary loss? Seb has been robbed of his chance of happiness and left with a scar that will probably never heal. It would have been better to find out your partner has cheated on you, at least then there is a focus for your anger. I’m worried Seb will focus his anger on me and my inability to recognise a warning. Anna had a rare heart condition. The doctor said it’s something that often goes unnoticed if it doesn’t present any symptoms early on. She was unlucky he’d said, as if life was a lottery and the ticket Anna had purchased wasn’t a winner.

Everything happens for a reason and I keep saying that, except I can’t think of any reason or logic behind Anna’s death. The rest of Seb’s life will be over-shadowed by the loss of her love, so where’s the reasoning in that?

“Don’t,” Alex says, standing up and coming over to me. He throws his arms around me gently and squeezes lightly. “Don’t keep going over and over it in your head. It is what it is, you can’t change anything. It wasn’t your fault Ceri, no one is blaming you.”

I know his words are meant with kindness and I’m hearing them, but the pain I feel for Seb is real. The link between us means a part of me deep inside feels icy cold with the emotion he’s battling to contain. Men feel they have to be strong when the going gets tough, but this is something totally different. No one is equipped with a coping mechanism for this sort of tragedy, we each have to vent our feelings or risk becoming damaged.

“Sleep,” Alex whispers into my hair. “Tomorrow you have to go into work and begin functioning again. Life goes on Ceri, it’s the sad truth and I can appreciate how awful that must sound to you at this moment in time. People suffer and some things don’t make any sense, but life doesn’t stop. You have to make yourself strong for the funeral, for Seb. That’s something positive you can do. For the moment though, it’s time to rest.”

He backs me onto the bed, rolls me on my side with a tenderness that is heart-breaking and slips off my shoes. Sleep comes quickly, but the dreams are disturbing.

***

The funeral is the worst day imaginable. Seb is strong, but almost collapses towards the end of the ceremony celebrating Anna’s life. Tom is there next to him and they sit throughout the last part of the service. He pulls himself together and stands next to Anna’s parents while everyone filters out of the church.

It’s a bright day, the wind is chilly but the sky is blue and the birds are singing as if this isn’t one of the saddest days most of us here have ever experienced. It doesn’t seem real, but one look at Seb’s face reminds me that it is.

Within a week he’s gone. A hastily scribbled letter drops onto my doormat.

I’m running away, I guess you knew that would happen. I can’t be here Ceri, I can’t pretend I want to get up each morning and think about pulling my life back together. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I’ll be in touch when I can. I know you will understand, please apologise to those who don’t. This isn’t cowardice, this is survival. Take care of yourself.

And Ceri, you weren’t to know.

Seb x

I was thankful knowing Seb didn’t blame me for anything and a little relieved. Alex had Googled undiagnosed heart conditions and made me sit in front of the computer to read some of the stories. There was a bride of five months who died instantly when she stepped out of the Jacuzzi. Can you imagine that? Her husband was heart-broken and my heart cried out in sorrow, knowing the pain he was going through. But at least he’d had five months, five golden months with wonderful memories. I wanted that for Seb, but you can’t turn back the hands of time.

About a month later, with no news from Seb, I received a small package in the post. There was a note inside from Anna’s mother and something wrapped up in tissue paper.

I know that Seb needs distance to sort out his life, but I hope that someday he’ll think about the time they did have together. About the happiness they shared. Our precious daughter is even more precious in death. We are clinging on to the good times and are determined to celebrate her life.

We wondered if you would look after the necklace that Seb bought for Anna to wear on her wedding day and the matching earrings, your lovely gift to her celebrating the friendship between the two of you. I think she would have wanted you to have them. Whether one day you pass them on to Seb, we are content to leave up to you. It seems too sad to leave them in a box with some of her other things and it felt the right thing to do. We think it’s what she would have wanted; she spoke very highly of you.

Angela

It must have been so hard for her to write that note. I can’t bring myself to open the package. I want to remember Anna wearing them and the sparkle in her eyes. I tuck them away in the corner of a drawer for safe-keeping. I have no idea when I will see Seb again, but I know it won’t be any time soon.

CHAPTER EIGHT (#ue0d144cd-abbf-5c82-8165-a61a742a62b1)

The New Me (#ue0d144cd-abbf-5c82-8165-a61a742a62b1)

Alex’s influence is calming. Since Anna’s death I’ve stopped recording ‘incidents’. They still happen on a frequent basis and I do what I can when each moment presents itself, but I no longer spend time analysing what has occurred. With the help of a new book I recently discovered which talks in depth about angels, I feel that I can at least justify what happens to me. It answers some of the very searching questions I’ve longed to ask, in a way that I can understand. For the first time ever I feel that maybe it is real and it feels I’ve jumped a big hurdle. Alex and I have discussed it at great length and he too is responsible for a major part of the change in me. He’s open-minded, but prepared to challenge anything he feels isn’t quite right. Maybe he’s intuitive too, he’s never admitted as much but he definitely has an understanding way beyond most other people’s comprehension.

Mason has backed off and Scott’s replacement was eventually announced. It’s no big surprise that it’s a guy and an external applicant. It recently came to light that he’s the son of an old friend of Mason’s. It’s clear Mason took my answer as the rebuff it was intended to be, but in all honesty it’s only a job to me. No more, no less. All I know for sure is that if Alex left tomorrow, then I would too.

Alex. Buff, sexy as hell, trustworthy, grounded…what more can I say? I’m in love with him and I know that’s dangerous. It puts our friendship in jeopardy and alcohol can never come into the equation again when we are alone together. If it does, and we end up in bed again, then I will risk losing that precious friendship. He still hasn’t told me the story of his broken heart and I don’t feel I can ask him about it. On the bright side, he’s in a happy place. Work keeps his mind busy. We spend a lot of time together outside of the office now and neither of us mentions dating. Yes, we are aware that love should be a part of our respective lives, but you can’t control your fate. Maybe we are destined to be best buddies until one, or both of us, finds that perfect partner. If I’m truthful, I’d happily ask Alex to move in with me. He puts a skip in my walk and he understands me. But love has to be reciprocal, and I think I’m more of a sister to him—ignoring our one, drunken, night of passion. Maybe that was the point of that little episode, to show us that friendship is more valuable than the excitement of a one-night stand. But I can’t help the attraction I feel for him and the way my heartbeat races whenever he’s really close to me. It’s tantalising and it adds a little spice to my life. I know that makes me sound like I’m a total flirt, which honestly isn’t the case. I simply want to be with Alex. I feel renewed whenever he’s around.

I am enjoying life though. I worry about Seb, of course, and the lack of contact. However, I understand his need to get away from everything that reminds him of Anna. Alex helps me to put everything into perspective and I know that I didn’t destroy Seb’s happiness; fate did. My brother is a strong person, he’ll figure out what comes next.

Suddenly the sun seems to shine that little bit brighter and instead of viewing my life by seeing only a series of problems at every turn, I feel that I have real choices. I can always walk away from something and I don’t have to feel guilty. How much of that is down to the healthy eating, exercise and supplement regime Alex has talked me into, I’m not sure. Working out alongside my best buddy means I can’t slack off and I’m feeling in the best shape physically that I’ve been for a long time. I’ve declined a few offers from guys at the gym to go out for a drink, simply because I no longer feel there is anything missing from my life. I’m happy with things the way they are for the moment.

It sounds like every day is bright and breezy, but of course that isn’t the case. But something has changed on the psychic front too. Before, each time I saw something it was a different person. More and more whenever that happens, it’s the same man who appears. I never see a real close-up, it’s too indistinct, but his shape is easily recognisable. This one change has made a big difference because instead of feeling freaked out, I feel a sense of being protected. There is a definite connection. I can’t explain it in any other way. This guy isn’t coming to scare me, but he’s helping me deal with each situation. He even smiles sometimes, although it’s the briefest of moments and it’s as much about feeling that as it is seeing his expression. Maybe the cosmos has decided to give me a break, or maybe Alex’s calming influence means I’m more relaxed about it all, I’m not sure. There’s no point in trying to second guess the reason, when I’ll probably never know what triggered the change.

I do have one theory that I haven’t mentioned to Alex. I opened the package of jewellery that Anna’s mother sent to me. I held Anna’s necklace in my hands and asked her to forgive me for ever thinking she would knowingly hurt my brother. I talked to her and emptied my heart of the regrets I felt and the sadness for the loss of someone so young. Maybe those on the other side were listening and decided to take pity on me, sending me my own guardian angel.

As Christmas came around I missed Seb so much, but was very excited to receive an email from him. He was in Australia and working on some sort of scheme to help disabled children. He sounded fine, grateful he was able to do something that at least had some purpose to it. I didn’t tell him about Anna’s jewellery, it’s still too soon.

New Year’s Eve was strange when I found myself under the mistletoe and face to face with Alex, as if we were a couple. I wanted to kiss him so much and felt myself drawing nearer to his mouth. He turned at the crucial moment when someone called his name, seemingly unaware of my intention. I felt cheated, robbed of a precious moment that I would have remembered forever. He hugs me every day that we’re together, but it ends there and it’s clear that he doesn’t want any romantic involvement. I’ll be honest—it’s tough. Not least because I’m beginning to think that Alex could be the special one I’ve been searching for all of my life. I can’t risk losing him, so I have to accept that having his friendship is better than nothing at all.

Sheena came home for a spell after New Year’s and it’s great to have my best girlfriend to myself for a while. I introduce her to Alex and she confirms that I must have been insane to think he was gay.

“Tasty,” she drools, when she gives me her initial reaction.

“He’s not a cake Sheena,” I reply, rather offended that she should refer to my Alex in such a base way. A part of me agrees though and I still experience flashbacks from our drunken night of passion. It’s enough to give me a warm glow inside and make me shake my head with regret that he doesn’t feel the same way about me.

Sheena insists I go with her on a double date with two guys she’s recently met and I mention it to Alex. I wonder if I have an ulterior motive and what I really want is to make him feel jealous. Instead he tells me it will do me good and so, reluctantly, I make up the foursome for dinner. Carl and Luke are typical of the type of guy Sheena gravitates towards: smart, savvy, and high-income—very materialistic. I end up alone at the table with Luke, when Sheena and Carl stand up to dance. He’s friendly enough, but the conversation is hard work.

“Who do you work for?” is his opener and my heart sinks. I talk briefly about my job and then ask him what he does for a living. He talks non-stop for the next hour, thinking he’s impressing me by dropping some big names in the music industry. I feign interest, but really I’m clock watching and can’t wait for the evening to be over.

***

The next day Alex is in a strange mood. He asks about the date but doesn’t seem too interested in my answer, which is only to say that it was okay but nothing special. I decide he’s having an off day and that I should give him some space. I’m getting ready to leave for the day when he suddenly looks up and asks if I want to grab something to eat at his place. I’ve never been invited back before, so obviously I’m intrigued. I accept gracefully and he scribbles down his address.

I change my mind several times over what I’m going to wear. I don’t want to be too casual and I can’t be too dressy. Alex’s dress sense is perfect, but then he looks great in everything. I end up settling for black linen trousers, a crisp white cotton top, and a thin taupe-coloured knitted jacket. I decide to go by taxi in case I have a drink; a girl has to live in hope!

Sheena phones as I’m literally about to step out of the door. “I’m on my way to have dinner over at Alex’s place.” I hope she doesn’t invite herself along, it’s the sort of thing Sheena does without thinking. I’m relieved when she tells me she is meeting up with Carl a bit later.