Falling:

“Why didn’t you say you were coming? But I’m so glad you’re here,” I almost find myself shouting with happiness and then I burst into tears.

“Hey, what’s this all about? What have I missed? I’ve only been gone three weeks and you’ve been very quiet, girl. I was worried. Guess I was right! Put the kettle on and let’s have a chat.”

As the door closes I feel a sense of relief. Sheena and Kelly were my two best friends. They were both people who knew me: the side of me I keep hidden from everyone else. Kelly was diagnosed with leukaemia four years ago and died six months later. It was a blow from which I haven’t yet recovered.

I’m still hugging Sheena tightly and marvelling at the fact that she has arrived precisely when I need her. “What’s up?” Sheena asks. She heads straight into the kitchen. I sit myself down on a stool while she makes tea as if it’s her own home. I love that: it’s like I have a sister who comes back every now and again to rescue me from myself.

“Nothing and everything,” I admit, miserably.

“Is it to do with Seb and Anna?”

“No, it’s the usual. Things I can’t explain. Déjà vu and the signs… people I don’t know who tell me nothing, but appear for some reason. Why? Why me?”

Sheena stops and looks at me.

“We’ve had this conversation before Ceri. It’s not helping you to keep thinking about the ‘why.’ You have to accept it – what’s the point in fighting something when you have no idea what it really is? Heck, you should know from your research, you can’t explain the unexplainable. So what’s really bothering you?”

“Alex has joined a dating agency.” I’m surprised at my own words. Where did that come from?

“You said you thought he was into guys, so what’s the problem? Worried it will affect his work once he’s on the emotional rollercoaster of the dating scene?”

“I’m not sure. I felt rather, well, disappointed. He has his first date this weekend but he hasn’t given me any details.”

“Oh.” She hands me my tea and settles onto the stool opposite. “Hidden feelings? This isn’t like you to begrudge someone a little fun. You’re his boss, not his girlfriend.”

I raise my eyebrows and shrug my shoulders. “I know. I’m being silly. With you travelling so much these days he’s the closest thing I have to a best friend and his friendship means a lot to me. Except he doesn’t know of course… about…”

“Ah, you feel comfortable with him. Were you hoping he’d notice something unusual about you and ask the question? I mean, I know Seb gives you a hard time and you do need someone you can confide in when I’m not around.”

We’re both thinking of Kelly.

“Why do you think Kelly has never come through to give me a message?” It’s a question I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time. I suppose a little part of me is waiting, silently hoping for a sign, and now I’ve voiced it.

“You’re the expert, what do I know? I have no idea how it all works, but I will tell you one thing, Ceri. I don’t think it’s going to go away and you have to find a way of reconciling yourself to that fact. I know I sound like a broken record, I’ve said this so many times before. How’s the journal count?”

“One hundred and thirty-seven.” I can’t look her in the eye, I feel I’m declaring all the sins I’ve committed since the last time we were together.

“Worst one?”

“A young woman with a horrible cough, the message was clear. I saw this shape of an elderly man wrapping his arms around her. He looked up at me and the sadness was unforgettable. It was in a coffee shop and I was in the queue, she was sitting alone at a table for two. I asked if she minded sharing; luckily there were no other places available. We began chatting. I ended up telling her a story about my aunt having pneumonia and said she should have her cough checked out, it sounded similar.” We exchange glances and Sheena can see it hasn’t been easy. My story wasn’t true, of course.

“Poor you, how did she take it?”

“She left shortly afterwards, but she did say ‘thanks’ when she stood up to go. She looked back at me, trying to judge whether I was a total nut or not. I gave her a smile and for a second we connected. I hope it was enough to convince her.”

“But you will never know,” Sheena said, sadly.

“No, I’ll never know.”

“So, back to Alex, you don’t fancy him or anything daft like that, do you? I thought I’d ask the question in case it was an issue. ” She reaches for the biscuit jar and takes out a handful.

“I don’t know. He’s like a BFF, I regard him as a girlfriend.” I look at her and she’s amused.

“Maybe he’s a guy who is simply in touch with his feminine side. Perhaps he fancies you and wants to gain your trust first. He’s trying to put you at ease by not making a play for you and you’ve misread the signals,” she jokes. “Have you been on any dates lately?”

“One. It was a big mistake. Huge, actually. A friend of Seb’s, and it was really awkward. We had absolutely nothing in common and he asked me out for a second time. Seb was a little upset when I said no. He was a nice guy, well most of them are if they’re genuine, but no way was there any spark between us.”

“Well, I’m still dating Mr Boss,” she smirks, “and working under him gets better by the day.” She gives me a sideways glance and raises her eyebrows.

“Sheena! Too much information – spare me the details. Anyway, I’m not sure sleeping with the boss is such a great idea.”

“Ah, you’re only jealous. I bet the truth is you fancy the pants off Mason Portingale and would jump into bed with him at the first sign of an offer.”

“Now you’re going to make me physically sick,” I moan. “He’s a creep. No, it’s more than that. He’s not a very nice person I think. I can only tolerate him in small doses. I sense a bad vibe.”

“You know Ceri, you’ve spent your life rebelling against this and thinking of it as a burden. Have you ever stopped to think it might actually have been a blessing?”

She munches on her last biscuit. I can see she’s serious.

“It’s easy for you to say that. Try experiencing it first-hand.”

“Okay, I accept that you’ve been through a lot and goodness knows I’ve seen how it’s affected you over the years. But what if this sense of awareness prevents you from having dead-end relationships that would only end up breaking your heart? What if there’s a special someone for you and, because you can read what’s inside of people, all you have to do is wait for that first meeting. And bang, you’ve found your soul mate.”

For Sheena, that’s deep. She pretty much floats through life avoiding being tied down and never taking anything very seriously. That’s why she’s my right arm: without her I wouldn’t function so well because she sees things in a different light. It helps to keep me sane.

“Well, if the cosmos is listening, I’ve had enough. I want a significant other. I don’t want to be on my own anymore. But he has to be special. He mustn’t judge or take flight when I have my… moments.”

Sheena grimaces. “And of course, he has to be good-looking, talented, kind, and sexy too. Tall order! This isn’t about Seb and Anna, is it?” She softens the last part, perhaps fearful she’s hit upon the truth.