Confessions of a Lapdancer

I thought I was coping pretty well thus far and was looking forward to doing some pole work.

‘Gather round, ladies,’ said Jackie, motioning us round the poles.

‘As you can see, there are six of us and only four poles, so we’ll do this in shifts. I will demonstrate some basic moves then three of you will follow. First, the wraparound move. Wipe down the pole before you start, to give maximum grip.

‘Stand at the back of the pole with your inside foot at the base. Using your strongest hand, grab the pole at head height, and keep your arm straight. Make sure your weight is hanging away from the pole.

‘Keep your outside leg straight then swing it out and step round the pole, pivoting on your inside foot. Bend your knee slightly as you turn.

‘Place your outside foot behind the other foot, transfer your weight to the foot at the back and hook the inside of your leg around the front of the pole, gripping it right behind your knee.

‘Now practise arching backwards, slipping your hand down the pole so you can reach further back. Then straighten up and swing your leg back down.’

I quickly realised that, even though I’d put on a pretty convincing show at the Pearl that night, my technique left something to be desired. Jackie beckoned for me to mount a pole, along with Gabi and Irena.

‘Right, girls, I’ll do it slowly at first, you follow me,’ said Jackie.

We put on our heels and took up our positions at the back of each pole. I was doing fine until I started swinging around the pole. My hand slipped and I had to start again.

‘Geri, move away from the pole,’ ordered Jackie. ‘Are you wearing any body lotion or oil?’

‘Well, I put on some cocoa butter this morning.’ I said, feeling sheepish.

‘I thought I told you all, no lotions or potions on any part of your body while you’re dancing, please,’ said Jackie. ‘It makes the pole slippery and hazardous. Go to the ladies, and wipe yourself down.’

I felt like the naughty girl who had been caught messing around at the back of the classroom. The other girls looked terrified. Jackie was turning out to be something of a Sergeant Major.

I sloped off to the toilets and did the best I could to remove the traces of cocoa butter with a paper towel, rubbing my skin red raw in the process.

I felt the same as when I first learned to ride and kept falling off my horse: small and foolish. But when I got back to the studio I tried again and this time the move came more easily.

Jackie then took us on to the fireman spin, back hook spin and then the more advanced cradle spin. The last one needed a lot of upper-body strength and some of the girls just couldn’t hack it. Gabi had all but given up by this point, to the clear annoyance of Jackie.

‘Gabi, I’m disappointed in you,’ she said. ‘I pictured you dancing into the night at the Rio carnival, yet you give up half an hour into a pole-dancing lesson.’

‘I’m sorry, Jackie,’ she said. ‘I’m not sure I’m strong enough to do this.’

‘Is anyone else going to fall at the first fence?’ demanded Jackie.

There were a few worried faces, but no one spoke.

‘OK, let’s carry on. And I want to see you smile and look sexy – and to do that you’ve got to feel comfortable in your body and trust that it won’t let you down. I’m fast-tracking you here because you have to be ready to work as soon as possible. Let’s have a go at an inversion …’

Gabi looked horrified and Makani shook her head, but Irena, of all people, seemed to take it in her stride.

I’d done this once myself without really knowing how to do it properly but I was worried it might have been beginner’s luck.

I gave it my best shot and realised the key to the move was getting the right angle on the upward swing of the legs. It took a hell of a lot of effort, though, especially because of the pace at which we were going through the moves.

‘OK, ladies, I don’t want you falling on your heads,’ said Jackie. ‘Safety is paramount when you’re doing this type of dancing. Let’s take a break and I’ll run you through a few rules and regulations about working at the Pearl – that is if you ever get that far.

‘We do not employ girls who drink to excess or take banned substances. You need to be in full possession of your faculties at all times while you’re dancing. Please make sure your partner doesn’t have a problem with what you do at night – we don’t want you missing shifts because of domestics.

‘Here’s the list of don’ts. Don’t believe all the stories about how much girls are earning at other clubs, and don’t boast about how much you earn either. Don’t poke the payroll. Shagging members of staff at the club is a really bad idea and will end in tears – probably yours. Don’t presume you’ll be doing this for a few weeks or months. So many girls say that and then they come back again once they find their dream of being a rocket scientist comes to nothing. So take it seriously.

‘Don’t slag off the other girls. Try not to be bitch queens and get on with each other in the dressing room. Don’t think you can rush out and buy designer clothes after two weeks. If you’re making good money it’s tempting to spoil yourself but it’s better to save for that rainy day when you don’t want to dance any more.

‘Don’t give customers free dances. Even if George Clooney walks in, he will have to pay like everyone else. But do respect the customers, even if you don’t like them. If you go in there thinking every man who comes into a lapdancing club is a pervert it will reflect badly on you and the Pearl. OK, that’s it for now. Any questions?’

‘Yes,’ said Makani. ‘Is it possible just to do pole dancing at the Pearl and not lapdancing?’

‘If you work for us you have to be prepared to do both and in any case, lap dances will earn you bigger tips,’ explained Jackie. ‘Once you’ve all cracked the fundamentals of pole dancing I’ll teach you some key lapdancing moves.’

‘Do we get to choose our own costumes?’ asked Gabi.

‘We like you to pick from our own range but your costume should suit the personality you want to project as a dancer,’ said Jackie. ‘It’s up to you to create a look that will get you noticed. Now, if you have any more questions, ask me later. I’m going to demonstrate a series of moves and I want you to do your best to string them together into a routine.’

We watched in awe as Jackie swung up and down the pole with grace and ease, tossing back her long brown hair and throwing some amazingly sexy shapes.

The group burst into spontaneous applause when she finished.

I did my best to access my inner showgirl and managed to get through the routine only fluffing a couple of spins.

Poor Gabi was almost in tears now. She literally just couldn’t get into the swing of it. Irena didn’t say much but quietly got on with it and was looking pretty good.

When everyone had had their go, Jackie called us back into the circle to do some cool-down stretches.

‘OK, everyone, relax now,’ she said. ‘Put on your track-suits and come and sit down. Now comes the tough part. I can only take on the girls I think can cope with this job, physically and mentally. Gabi, I think you already know this is not for you. And, Makani – you look beautiful, but I can’t let you loose on a pole until you’re more confident. The rest of you have the makings of decent dancers, but you’ll have to work hard.’