Everyone Worth Knowing

‘All right, Aaron. No more powwows for me – ever. I quit.’

He looked confused for a minute before he realized I was completely serious. ‘You what?’

‘Please consider this my two weeks’ notice,’ I said with a confidence that was beginning to waver slightly.

Appearing to consider this for a minute, he wiped his sweaty brow and furrowed it a few times. ‘That won’t be necessary,’ he said quietly.

It was my turn to be confused. ‘I appreciate it, Aaron, but I really do have to leave.’

‘I meant that the two weeks won’t be necessary. We shouldn’t have much trouble finding someone, Bette. There are loads of qualified people out there who actually want to work here, if you can imagine that. Please discuss the details of your departure with HR and have your things packed by the end of the day. And good luck with whatever you’ll be doing next.’ He forced a tight smile and walked away, seeming self-assured for the first time in the five years I’d worked for him.

Thoughts swirled in my head, coming too fast and from too many directions for me to actually process them. Aaron had balls – who knew! I’d just quit my job. Quit it. With no forethought or planning. Must tell Penelope. Penelope engaged. How would I get all my stuff home? Could I still charge a car to the company? Could I collect unemployment? Would I still come to midtown just for the kebabs? Should I burn all my skirt suits in a ceremonial living-room bonfire? Millington will be so happy to hit the dog run in the middle of the day! Middle of the day. I would get to watch The Price Is Right all the time if I wanted. Why hadn’t I thought of this before?

I stared at the screen a while longer, until the gravity of what had just happened settled in, and then I headed straight to the rest-room to freak out in the relative privacy of a stall. There was laid-back and there was plain fucking stupid, and this was quickly beginning to resemble the latter. I breathed a few times and tried uttering – coolly and casually – my new mantra, but whatever came out sounding like a choked cry as I wondered what the hell I’d done.

4 (#udd89c3a8-2829-5bfa-adf2-4ff67959b207)

‘Christ, Bette, it’s not like you maimed someone. You quit your job. Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of adult irresponsibility. Things don’t always go according to plan, you know?’ Simon was trying his best to soothe me while we waited for Will to get home because he couldn’t tell that I was already completely relaxed.

The last time I’d felt this zen, I thought, might have been the ashram retreat. ‘It’s just kind of eerie, not having any idea what to do next.’ It was that same involuntary calm-cum-paralysis.

Though I knew I should be more panicked, the last month had actually been pretty great. I’d intended to tell everyone about quitting, but when it came time to actually make the calls, I was overtaken by an all-consuming combination of ennui, laziness, and inertia. It’s not like I couldn’t tell people I quit – it was just a matter of dialing and announcing – but the effort of explaining my reasons for leaving (none) and discussing my game plan (nonexistent) seemed utterly overwhelming each time I picked up the phone. So instead, in what I’m sure was some sort of psychologically distressed/avoidance/denial state, I slept until one every day, spent most of the afternoon alternately watching TV and walking Millington, shopped for things I didn’t need in an obvious effort to fill the voids in my life, and made a conscious decision to start smoking again in earnest so I’d have something to do once Conan was over. It sounds comprehensively depressing, but it had been my best month in recent memory and might have gone on indefinitely had Will not called my work number and spoken to my replacement.

Interestingly, I had lost ten pounds without trying. I hadn’t exercised at all save for the treks to hunt and gather my food, but I felt better than ever, or certainly better than I had working sixteen-hour days. I’d been thin all through college but had packed on the pounds quite efficiently as soon as I’d started work, having no time to exercise, choosing instead to down a particularly disgusting daily diet of kebabs, doughnuts, vending-machine candy bars, and coffee so sugar-heavy my teeth felt permanently coated. My parents and friends had politely ignored my weight gain, but I knew I looked terrible. Annually I’d declare my New Year’s resolution of more dedicated gym-going; it usually lasted a solid four days before I’d kick my alarm clock and claim the extra hour for sleep. Only Will repeatedly reminded me that I looked like hell. ‘But, darling, don’t you remember how scouts would stop you on the street and ask you to model? That’s not happening anymore, is it?’ Or ‘Bette, honey, you had that no-makeup, fresh-faced, all-natural girl thing working so well a few years ago – why don’t you spend a little time trying to revisit that?’ I heard him and knew he was right – when the button on the single pair of Sevens I owned nestled so far into my fleshy stomach that it was sometimes difficult to locate, it was hard to deny the extra poundage. That unemployment made me thinner was telling. My skin was clearer, my eyes brighter, and for the first time in five years the weight had melted off my hips and thighs but stayed squarely put in my chest – surely a sign from God that I wasn’t supposed to work. But of course I wasn’t supposed to enjoy being shiftless and lazy, so I was trying to demonstrate the appropriate combination of chagrin, regret, and distress. Simon was buying it.

‘I think a cocktail is exactly what’s in order right now. What can I make you to drink, Bette?’

Little did he know that I’d taken to drinking alone. Not in that desperate, solitary, ‘I must drink to deal, and if I happen to have no company, well then, so be it’ sort of way, but in the liberated ‘I’m an adult and if I’d like a glass of wine or a sip of champagne or four shots of vodka straight up’ way, well then, why the hell not? I pretended to consider his offer before saying, ‘How about a martini?’

Uncle Will swooped in at that moment and, as he usually did, charged the air with an energy that was immediate and intense. ‘Ab fab!’ he announced, stealing the phrase from his sneaked sessions of BBC-watching, which he relentlessly denied. ‘Simon, make our little banker-no-longer an extra-dry martini with Grey Goose and three olives. I’ll have my usual. Darling! I’m so proud of you!’

‘Really?’ He hadn’t sounded too thrilled when he’d left me a message earlier that day, ordering me to be at the apartment that night for drinks. (‘Bette, darling, your little game is up. I just spoke to the terrified little mouse who now claims to occupy your cubicle, which makes me wonder what, exactly, you’re doing at this moment. Highlights, I’m hoping? Perhaps you’ve taken a lover. I’ll expect you tonight at six on the dot so you may provide us with all the gory details. Plan on accompanying us to a little dinner party afterward at Elaine’s.’ Click.)

‘Darling, of course I am! You finally left that dreadful bank. You are an absolutely intoxicating creature, so fascinating, so fabulous, and I think that dreary job of yours was suppressing it all.’ He placed his huge, well-manicured hands around my middle and almost shrieked. ‘What is this I see? A waist? By God, Simon, the girl’s got her figure back. Christ, you look like you’ve spent the last few weeks getting lipoed in all the right places. Welcome back, darling!’ He raised one of the martinis that Simon had made for all of us (Will was no longer permitted to make the drinks because of his notoriously heavy-handed pouring) and simultaneously removed the charcoal wool hat he’d been wearing since before I was born.

Simon smiled and raised his glass as well, clinking ours lightly so as not to splash any of the precious liquid. I, of course, wasn’t so careful and slightly soaked my jeans in the boozy mixture. I would’ve licked it off the denim directly had I been alone. Ahem.

‘There,’ Will announced. ‘It’s official. So what will be next? Writing for a magazine? A stint in fashion, perhaps? I hear Vogue is hiring right now.’

‘Oh, come on.’ I sighed, resenting being made to think about it at all. ‘Vogue? You think I’m in any way equipped or qualified to work for that editor in chief – what’s her name?’

Simon chimed in here. ‘Anna Wintour. And no on both counts.’

‘No? Well, what about Bazaar, then?’ Will asked.

‘Will …’ I looked down at my scuffed, ugly flats and back at him again. I might have graduated from Birkenstocks and pigtail braids, but I was still fully entrenched in the post-college Ann Taylor work wardrobe.

‘Oh, stop your whining, darling. You’ll find something. Remember, you’re always welcome to join me, you know. If you get truly desperate, that is.’ Will had been mentioning this as delicately as possible since I was in high school, the offhand comment about how much fun it would be to work together, or how I had natural talent as a researcher and a writer. My parents had saved every essay I’d ever written and sent copies to Will, who had sent me a huge flower arrangement my sophomore year when I’d declared myself an English major. The card had read TO THE FUTURE COLUMNIST OF THE FAMILY. He mentioned often how he’d love to show me the ropes because he thought it’d be something I could really get into. And I didn’t doubt that part. It was only that recently his columns had become more like conservative rants and less like the society-and-entertainment commentary readers had been slavishly devoted to for years. He was a master at this very specific genre, never bothering to cover outright gossip but also never taking himself too seriously. At least until recently, when he’d written a thousand words on why the United Nations was the devil incarnate (A summary: ‘Why, in this age of super-technology, do all those diplomats in New York City need to physically be here, taking up all the best parking places and the best tables at restaurants, adding to the non-English-speaking environment in the city? Why can’t they just email their votes from their respective countries? Why should we have to deal with gridlock and security nightmares when no one listens to them anyway? And if they absolutely refuse to work electronically from their home countries, why don’t we move the whole production to Lincoln, Nebraska, and see if they’re all still dying to come here to better the world?’) Part of me would love to learn his business, but it just seemed too easy. Hey, what luck! Your uncle is a famous, highly syndicated columnist, and you just happen to work for him. He had a small staff of researchers and assistants who I knew would resent the hell out of me if I stepped in and started writing right away. I was also worried about ruining a good thing: since Will was my only family nearby, a dear friend, and soon to be my entire social life now that Penelope was getting married, it didn’t seem like the best idea to work together all day.

‘According to my ex-boss, I haven’t yet mastered the ideals put forth in a single quote of the day. I’m not sure that’s someone you’d want working for you.’

‘Puh-lease! You’d be better than those kids in my office who pretend to be fact-checking while they’re updating their nerve.com profiles with seductive pictures and grotesquely unoriginal come-ons.’ He snorted. ‘I applaud a complete and utter lack of work ethic, you know. How else could I write such trash every day?’ He finished his drink with an appreciative swallow and pushed himself off the leather divan. ‘Just something to consider, is all. Now, let’s go. We’ve got a dinner party to oversee.’

I sighed. ‘Okay, but I can’t stay the entire time. I’ve got book club tonight.’

‘Really, darling? That sounds like it borders on social. What are you reading?’

I thought quickly and blurted out the first socially acceptable title that came to mind. ‘Moby-Dick.’

Simon turned and stared at me. ‘You’re reading Moby-Dick? Are you serious?’

‘Of course she’s not.’ Will laughed. ‘She’s reading Passion and Pain in Pennsylvania, or something to that effect. Can’t quite kick the habit, can you, darling?’

‘You don’t understand, Will.’ I turned to face Simon. ‘No matter how many times I’ve explained it to him, he refuses to understand.’

‘Understand what, exactly? How my lovely and highly intelligent English-major niece not only reads but obsesses over romance novels? You’re right, darling, I can’t understand.’

I stared at my feet, feigning unfathomable shame. ‘The Very Bad Boy is brand new … and highly anticipated. I’m hardly alone – it’s one of the most preordered books on Amazon and had a mailing delay of three weeks after publication!’

Will looked at Simon, shaking his head in disbelief. ‘Darling, I just don’t understand why. Why?’

Why? Why? How could I ever answer that question? It was something I’d asked myself a million times. It had started innocently enough, with the discovery of an abandoned copy of Hot and Heavy in the back pocket of a plane seat during a flight from Poughkeepsie to Washington, D.C. I was thirteen and old enough to sense that I should hide it from my parents, which I did. The damn thing was so good that I claimed a sore throat when we got to the hotel and begged out of the NARAL march they were both attending so I could finish reading it. I learned to recognize romance novels instantly, ferreting out the right library shelves in seconds, slipping them off the wire turn-carts at the bookstore and quickly handing over my meager allowance in the pharmacy section of the drugstore while my mother paid for her purchases up front. I went through two or three a week, vaguely aware that they were contraband and therefore keeping them hidden in the little crawl space of my closet. I read them only after lights-out and always remembered to restash them before falling asleep.

When I first discovered romances, I was embarrassed by the obvious suggestions of sex on the cover, and of course by the graphic depictions inside. Like any teenager, I didn’t want my parents to know that I knew anything about the subject, and sneaked my reads only when they surely wouldn’t see. But by the time I was about seventeen, maybe a junior or senior in high school, I’d come out of the closet. I’d accompanied my dad to a local bookstore to pick up a special order he’d placed, and when it came time for him to pay, I slid a copy of Her Royal Bodyguard onto the counter, casually murmuring, ‘I didn’t bring my wallet. Can you buy this now and I’ll pay you back when we get home?’

He’d picked it up and held it between two fingers as though it were roadkill. The expression on his face indicated he found it about as appetizing. A moment later, he laughed. ‘Bettina, come now. Put this awful thing back wherever you found it and select something worthwhile. I promised your mother we’d be home in twenty minutes – we don’t have time to play around anymore.’

I persisted and he bought the book, if only to leave the store as soon as possible. When he mentioned my purchase at the dinner table that night, he sounded confused. ‘You don’t actually read those things, do you?’ he asked, his face scrunched up as though he was trying to understand.

‘Yes,’ I said simply, my voice not revealing the embarrassment I felt.

My mother dropped her fork and it clattered on the plate. ‘You do not.’ It sounded like she hoped it would be true if she stated it forcefully enough. ‘You can’t possibly.’

‘Oh, but I do,’ I sang in a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood. ‘And so do fifty million other people, Mom. They’re relaxing and interesting. I mean, there’s agony, ecstasy, and a happy ending – who could ask for more?’ I knew all the facts and figures, and there was no denying they were impressive. The two thousand romances published each year create a $1.5 billion industry. Two-fifths of American women buy at least one romance a year. More than one-third of all popular fiction sold each year are romances. A Shakespearean scholar (and Columbia professor) had recently admitted she’d authored dozens of romances. Why should I be ashamed?

What I didn’t tell my parents then – or explain to Will or Simon now – was how much I loved romances. Escape was part of it, of course, but life wasn’t so miserable that I had to revert to a fantasy world. It was inspirational to read about two gorgeous people who overcame all obstacles to be together, who loved each other so much that they always found a way to make it work. The sex scenes were a bonus, but more than that, the books always ended happily, offering such optimism that I couldn’t keep myself from starting another immediately. They were predictable, dependable, entertaining, and most of all, they depicted love affairs that I could not deny – no matter how much feminism or political correctness or women’s empowerment my parents could throw at me – I desperately wanted more than anything in the world. I was conditioned to compare every single date in my life to The Ideal. I couldn’t help it. I wanted the fairy tale. Which, needless to say, does not describe Cameron, or most New York liaisons between men and women. But I wouldn’t stop hoping – not yet.

Was I about to explain this to Simon? Clearly not. Which is why I laughed and made some self-deprecating remark like ‘I just can’t handle the real stuff’ whenever someone asked why I read the books.

‘Oh, whatever.’ I laughed lightly, not making eye contact with Will or Simon. ‘It’s a silly little thing I got into as a kid and haven’t quite given up yet.’

Will found this understatement particularly hysterical. ‘Silly little thing? Bette, darling, you belong to a book club whose sole mission is to examine and more deeply appreciate your selected genre?’ he howled.

This much was true. Until the book group, no one in my life had understood. Not my parents, my uncle, my friends in high school or college. Penelope merely shook her head every time she spotted one in my apartment (which, by the way, wasn’t hard, considering I had over four hundred of them stashed in boxes, closets, under-bed bins, and occasionally – when the cover wasn’t too embarrassing – on shelves). I knew the facts said that whole armies of women read them, but it was only two years ago that I’d met Courtney at a midtown Barnes & Noble. I’d just left work and was reaching for a romance from the circular wire rack when I heard a girl’s voice behind me.

‘You’re not alone, you know,’ it said.

I’d turned around to see a pretty girl about my age with a heart-shaped face and naturally pink lips. She looked like a china doll with ringlets reminiscent of Nelly’s from Little House on the Prairie, and her other features were so delicate they looked like they might crack at any moment.