Essential Oils for Lovers: How to use aromatherapy to revitalize your sex life

While writing this book I had to stop and ask myself the question, ‘Why am I writing a book about sex in this age of AIDS? Am I exploring an issue 30 years out of date? Am I being irresponsible?’ A bit of reflection, however, gave me my answer. There is no reason for sex to stop being fun just because it needs to be ‘safe’. And isn’t the safest sex that which takes place within a loving monogamous relationship? Monogamy need never be boring. Sex need never be boring: each of us has an innate need of pleasure and fulfilment, as well as a need to give pleasure to another. What greater or keener pleasure is there than that of sex?

Sex and aromatherapy marry together perfectly. Imagine how, hundreds and even thousands of years ago, lovers rubbed scented oils onto each other’s body, experiencing the fulfilment of all their senses. Their sense of smell delighted in the wonderful perfume of natural essences intermingling with the body’s own perfume; their sense of touch revelled in the feel of massaging their loved one or in being massaged by him or her; their eyes beheld the erotic sight of oil glistening on naked skin; their ears took in spoken words of pleasure – and when they kissed, the fifth sense was fulfilled, for what finer taste is there than that of the lips of your lover?

I believe that good sex is life-enhancing, as is aromatherapy. Even when sexual intercourse is not involved, the physical pleasure of touching, of intimate body contact in the form of massage – all this equals happiness, and happiness is a potent medicine. Joy and pleasure send the right stimuli to the body cells to keep them healthy. By using essential oils on a daily basis we create within ourselves a state of health and harmony.

You may already be a keen advocate of aromatherapy and appreciate its benefits but if this book is your introduction to essential oils, you have a treat in store. Enjoy the sensual pleasures that lie ahead. Fragrant essences not only excite the senses and lift the emotions but also work on a deeper level, to nourish and protect the cells of the body.

Aromatherapy can be used to address many health problems, enabling us, for example, to break with the antibiotic habit. In recent years the researcher Clive Wood has looked at the connection between mind, brain and the immune system. He calls this study ‘psycho-neuro-immunology’. We know, for instance, that people can truly die of a broken heart – such is the power of our emotions on our physical being. Surely we must also be able to use this power to maintain a strong and healthy body.

Aromatherapy can also bring about a peaceful state of mind, which in itself can bring harmony to a relationship. Many Eastern texts, when referring to meditation, stress the importance of deep breathing. They say that the mind follows the breath. Within our polluted environment we tend to be shallow breathers. When experiencing a delightful aromatherapy massage or when soaking in a deliciously fragrant bath, we automatically take deeper breaths to savour the beauty of the scents around us.

In this book I have tried to present practical tips and recipes and alternative methods of treating sexual problems as well as offering a brief history of the erotic use of aromatics since ancient times. I have also discussed the theory that inside every woman there exist attributes of several goddesses. Aphrodite, being the goddess of love and sensuality, is the one this book is most interested in revealing. By letting go of fears and preconditioning, and using essential oils with imagination and confidence, every woman can allow this part of herself to emerge and flourish.

chapter one (#ulink_685fe5bc-38b5-552c-a339-6610751e7563)

AROMATHERAPY FOR LIFE (#ulink_685fe5bc-38b5-552c-a339-6610751e7563)

‘Sex puts a sparkle in the eye, a glow to the cheeks and makes the world seem like a better place.’

MANTAK CHIA, Taoist Secrets of Love

Few of us would argue with this sentiment, yet it’s easy to let the pressures and problems of modern living dampen our desire, making us ‘not in the mood’, preferring the television to a night of love-making.

We have become too used to obtaining objects of desire – cars, holidays, fitted kitchens – merely by signing an ‘easy credit’ contract. This habit of ‘instant gratification’ can influence the way we view our sexual needs. We may believe what we see in films and read in the press, magazines and books: that sex – any kind of sex – is the answer. One-night stands, extra-marital affairs, or simply choosing partners for their sexy image are all seen as ways of fulfilling our need for intimacy. But are they really?

HOLISTIC SEX

Many of us recognize holistic medicine as a safe and effective system that takes an overview of the whole person – his or her lifestyle, diet and mental outlook as well as medical and hereditary history and total symptom picture. In the same way, holistic sex brings together every aspect of sexual union: the physical, mental and emotional. The sex therapist and author Barbara de Angelis writes, ‘The sexual act is so powerful because it is the closest we ever come to uniting with another human being. If that physical union is not balanced and matched by emotional closeness, the same act that can be so full of joy becomes one that leaves [us] feeling isolated, lonely and unfulfilled.’ The psychologist Erich Fromm puts it this way:

‘Sex [without love] becomes a desperate attempt to escape the anxiety engendered by separateness, and it results in an ever-increasing sense of separateness, since the sexual act without love never bridges the gap between two human beings, except momentarily.’

Figure 1: Triangle of love.

Holistic sex is the mix of all three types of loving, so that we love and want our partners on a physical, mental and emotional level. Or, to put it another way, we lust after their body, thinking about them turns us on, and we bond with them emotionally. We love their mind, body and spirit with our mind, body and spirit:

‘When their bodies merge into each other, desire can turn into joy, and physical lust and its gratification can become an expression of unconditional devotion which pervades mind, body and spirit.’

ERICH FROMM, The Art of Loving

Physical, mental and emotional – this is the ideal sexual mix, and within the mix are all the ingredients for a lasting and happy relationship. Holistic sex is as valid to our emotional health and happiness as holistic medicine is to our physical and mental health. And aromatherapy has its part to play in this mix. Beautiful aromas act on all three aspects of our being, and can be used in obvious and more subtle ways.

INNER SEX

In the 1970s an American called Timothy Gallway wrote a fascinating book called The Inner Game of Tennis. His hypothesis was that to be centered and ‘in the now’ puts us in contact with a higher power that knows instinctively what to do. Although written for tennis players, the basic message can be adopted by lovers – something inside you knows how to love, and the love is always there, irrespective of whether you currently have a partner. When you fall in love with someone the feelings of love do not come from the other person but from within you.

Erich Fromm writes, ‘Respect for one’s own integrity and uniqueness, love for and understanding of one’s own self, cannot be separated from respect and love and understanding for another individual.’ He understood that we need first to love ourselves before we can truly love another, because in order to give we must feel we are rich enough in love to be generous with our love. If you are tired or depressed you cannot give. You need to take care of yourself first, utilizing the essential oils that will cleanse, uplift, heal and energize your body and emotions. Only when your cup is full can it overflow to others.

‘The inner smile is the recipe for living in simple harmony with yourself and others. The inner smile is the smile of total happiness. This is not the social smile. This smile rises from the cells and organs of the body’

MANTAK CHIA, Taoist Secrets of Love

WHAT IS AROMATHERAPY?

Aromatherapy uses the essential oils of plants to heal and beautify the body. Connected to herbal medicine but having its own separate identity, aromatherapy takes aromatic plant material such as basil or lavender and distils its essence, then uses this essence in numerous beneficial ways.

Imagine how, thousands of years ago, humans watched wild horses running free across the plains and marvelled at their beauty and awe-inspiring speed. If someone were lucky enough to catch one by surprise, he would experience the speed, power and majesty of riding, but as soon as he dismounted the horse would be gone. Then one day humans invented rope and made a lasso. They began to catch these wild, free animals, taming them and harnessing their power.

Imagine how, thousands of years ago, humans beheld the glory of the aromatic plant kingdom, rejoicing in the scent of the rose, for example. Yet people could not capture its exquisite fragrance. Then, one day, distillation was invented and the fragrance of the rose was captured forever more, to be enjoyed at any time of the day or night – any month of the year. Distillation is the rope that lassos the aromas of flowers and plants, so that their power is harnessed for our purposes.

However, aromatherapy is far more than just the experience of a pleasant aroma; it is not by chance that ‘therapy’ is part of the word. For here, in using essential oils from plants, we have at our disposal many choices: we have fragrances that can lift our emotions – transporting us from depression to happiness; healing essences that work with our bodies to combat illness and disease; and aromas that can provide us with untold sensual pleasures.

ESSENCES AND THE EMOTIONS

How we cope in times of stress can greatly influence our general health. Our ability to ‘weather the storm’ makes all the difference between drowning in a sea of overwhelming emotion or calmly sailing through the troughs and peaks of life. At times of trouble aromatherapy can help. Just a few drops of clary sage oil on a room fragrancer or added to the bath will soon restore mental clarity and bring a clear perspective.

Illness often causes depression as it interrupts the flow of what we normally expect to do – which is to be active and useful. Healing and recovery can be hindered by a depressed state, as mental depression also causes a depression of the immune system. Use any of the uplifting essences – rose, ylang ylang, lavender, bergamot, geranium, rosewood, rosemary, sandalwood, neroli or petigrain – to remove unnecessary burdens from the body and allow it to repair itself.

Our ‘will’ is a powerful tool that we can use for our own benefit and for the benefit of others, but only if we recognize that we own such a tool. Will power is linked to the solar plexus, and when we are under attack from negative emotions, whether our own or someone else’s, the solar plexus area becomes very tender. It is a vulnerable and highly sensitive area of the body, and is where ‘gut feelings’ are registered. Overloading this area can result in loss of will-power, a feeling of helplessness and the inability to effect positive change.

‘I feel as though I have been punched in the gut’ is a familiar cry from someone who has suffered an emotional shock, as is the expression, ‘I’m gutted.’ Diluted essential oils, when applied to the solar plexus, can help to heal and protect this susceptible region.

BEAUTY INSIDE AND OUT

Because of their beneficial action on the skin, essential oils make perfect skin care products. Valuable research into this area has been conducted by Dietrich Gumbel. He says that ‘Blood sugars, which have been stored in fat deposits, are released by the use of sandalwood [oil], so that the sugars can reach the skin and oxidize, thus vitalizing the skin. Skin water-retention is improved and the elasticity of fibres is maintained.’ In other words, sandalwood helps your skin stay moisturized and young-looking, from within.

Lavender, rose, bergamot, rosewood and ylang ylang are invaluable if you want to maintain a healthy, glowing complexion. Acne and even chronic skin problems such as eczema and psoriasis can be treated successfully with soothing essential oils.

Tea tree, lemon, lavender and geranium regulate the skin’s production of sebaceous oils, and so can help treat greasy hair. And a combination of tea tree oil and the ‘liquid wax’ of the jojoba plant makes for a very effective treatment for dandruff. More on aromatherapy for healthy and beautiful skin and hair can be found in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo).

STAYING IN TUNE

Aromatherapy self-help can strengthen our bodies and protect us from succumbing to colds, flu and other diseases. Oils that help to fight viral and bacterial infections include lavender, ravansara, niaouli, bergamot, tea tree, lemon and myrtle. Any one of these, diluted in a base oil, may be massaged into your back and chest to help you to feel better. With the possible exception of tea tree (which cannot be said to be pleasant smelling), any of the other, oils makes a wonderfully soothing and healthy bath. As only 4 - 6 drops are required for a therapeutic bath, using essential oils is also a very economic way of staying healthy.

Blends of these essences can be made following the instructions in Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo). More detailed information on the use of essential oils for curing common ailments can be found in my book, Aromatherapy for Women.

THE GODDESS WITHIN

Over the centuries gender roles have shifted; what is expected of women has changed dramatically; more importantly, the way women view themselves and their position in society and in relationships has altered drastically. Today’s woman is multifaceted; often juggling a career, husband, children, politics, the pursuit of sports and much else besides.

In a remarkable book called The Goddess Within psychologists Jennifer and Roger Woolger attribute these different facets of a woman’s psyche to six major goddesses: Demeter, the nurturer; Hera, the power-seeker; Athena, the wise and confident career woman; Artemis, the lover of Nature and freedom; Persephone, the intuitive, psychic, sensitive aspect of a woman; and of course Aphrodite, goddess of love, ruler over sensuality, the arts and beauty in all things.

The balance between these different goddesses will vary from woman to woman and from time to time, even within one woman when her lifestyle forces her to embrace one goddess more fully. As the authors of this marvellous book say, ‘To know oneself more fully as a woman is to know which goddess one is primarily ruled by and to be aware of how different goddesses influence the various stages and turning points of one’s life.’

For aromatherapy it is Aphrodite particularly who interests us. She is the goddess governing perfumery, sensuality, massage, cosmetics and all things aesthetic and joyful. To be ashamed of your sexuality means that you are not sufficiently in touch with the Aphrodite part of yourself.

Aromatherapy can help you to get and stay in touch with this element of your psyche; oils such as rose or myrtle can help you to identify with this goddess within. You share with all women an innate sensuality, and should rejoice in it. You may be a partner, mother, co-worker, but you are also a vibrant, sexy, sensual being.

In Greek myth, myrtle was the plant chosen by Aphrodite to hide her nakedness and it has been associated with her ever since. To let go of your business stresses, domestic strains, mental worries or physical aches and pains and connect with the loving, sensual woman within, take a myrtle bath in a quiet, subtly lit room. Imagine that you are free from your current problems, allow yourself to be enveloped in this timeless fragrance while it cleanses, soothes and inspires you. Allow your imagination to make you feel that you are a goddess – after all, you are breathing the same aromas as the goddess did, all those millennia ago.