Forbidden in Regency Society: The Governess and the Sheikh

‘You should not have come here.’

His tone was bleak, his eyes echoing his mood. She could see the tension in the set of his shoulders, in the tightness of his voice. ‘They were yours, these rooms, weren’t they?’ Cassie asked softly.

‘These are the traditional apartments of the crown prince. Mine. Before me, my father’s. And before him, my grandfather’s.’

‘So this is one tradition you definitely intend to break with?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You obviously don’t intend any son of yours to stay here, or else you would not have allowed the place to fall into such decline,’ Cassie said, with a sweeping gesture towards the derelict courtyard.

‘If—when—I have a son, he will have—he will be given …’ Jamil faltered, swallowing hard. ‘No.’ He shook his head, shading his eyes with his hands. ‘No. As you say, this is one tradition that ends with me.’

‘I’m glad.’ Cassie laid a hand tentatively upon his arm. ‘This is not a happy place, I can tell.’

‘No,’ Jamil replied with a grim look, ‘happiness was a commodity in short supply here.’ The hand he used to run his fingers through his auburn hair was trembling. ‘Discipline, honour, strength—they are what matter.’

‘Infallibility.’

‘Invincibility. My motto. My fate.’ His shoulders slumped. He sank down on to the lid of the chest suddenly, as if his legs would no longer support him. ‘Here is where I was taught it. A hard lesson, but one I have not forgotten.’ He dropped his head into his hands.

Jamil was a man who had until now appeared as invulnerable as a citadel, with all the power of an invincible army. Seeing him so raw, so exposed, all Cassie yearned to do was to comfort and to heal. Careless of all else, she crouched down and cradled his head, smoothing the ruffled peaks of his hair back into a sleek cap, stroking the cords of tension in his neck, the knotted sinews of his shoulders, his spine. Jamil stilled, but did not move. She drew him closer, wrapping her arms around him, oblivious of the awkwardness of her own cramping limbs, thinking only somehow to ease the hurt, the deep-buried hurt that clung to him now like a dark aura.

She whispered soothing nothings and she held him close, closer, pressing tiny fluttering kisses of comfort on to the top of his head, enveloping his hard, tense lines with her softness. They stayed thus for a long time, until gradually she felt him relax, until he moved his head, and she realised, almost at the same time as he did, that it was nestled against her breasts. She became conscious of his body not as something to be comforted, but as something to be desired. Her own body responded alarmingly, heating, her nipples hardening. He stirred in her arms and she released him, blushing, looking away, concentrating on standing up, shaking out the leaves and twigs and dirt from her skirts.

‘I must apologise,’ Jamil said, rising slowly to his feet.

‘There is no need,’ Cassie said quickly.

‘A moment of weakness. I would be obliged if you would forget you witnessed it.’

Cassie chewed on her lip, knowing that further probing might well anger him. ‘Jamil, it is not weakness to admit to having been unhappy—rather the opposite.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Something horrible happened here, I can sense it.’ She shuddered, clasping her arms around herself. ‘Don’t you see that by refusing to acknowledge it, you are granting whatever it is the victory of silence?’ She clutched at his sleeve to prevent him from turning away.

‘You exaggerate. As usual.’

‘No. No, I don’t. Jamil, listen to me, please.’ She gazed desperately up into his face, but the shutters were firmly back in place. ‘Why can you not tell Linah how you feel about her?’

The directness of the question took him by surprise. Jamil raised a haughty eyebrow.

‘I know you care for her,’ Cassie continued recklessly. ‘I know that you’re proud of her, but you can’t bring yourself to tell her. Why not?’

Jamil pulled himself free. ‘Show thine enemy a heart, and you hand them the key to your kingdom. My father taught me that lesson here in this very room with the aid of a very persuasive assistant,’ he said fiercely, stooping to retrieve the riding crop from under the chest.

‘He beat you! My God! I thought that thing was ceremonial.’

Jamil’s laughter was like a crack from the whip he held. ‘In that you are correct. The ceremony of beating the weaknesses out of the crown prince was one that took place on a regular basis.’

Cassie’s face was ashen. ‘But why?’

‘To teach me to conquer pain. To ensure that I understood extreme emotions well enough to abandon them. To make me what Daar-el-Abbah requires, an invincible leader who relies upon no-one else.’

‘There is no such thing,’ Cassie said passionately. ‘You are a man, not a god, no matter what your father thought, no matter what your people think. Everyone needs someone. For heaven’s sake, Jamil, that is absolutely ridiculous. You are a man, and you have feelings, you can’t pretend they don’t exist.’ Even as she spoke the words, Cassie realised that that was exactly what Jamil did. The appalling nature of his upbringing struck her afresh. Her fury at Jamil’s father knew no bounds. ‘What about your mother? Where was she when this was happening?’

‘I was not permitted to see her, save on ceremonial occasions, once I was established here.’

‘That’s what you meant about losing her at an early age?’

Jamil nodded.

‘What age, precisely?’

‘Five.’

Cassie’s mouth fell open. ‘That’s barbaric!’

‘Unfamiliar customs often seem barbaric. We are an ancient civilisation, much older than yours.’ Cassie’s utter horror was written plain on her face, making Jamil deeply uncomfortable. Having locked up these rooms, he had persuaded himself he had also locked away what had happened here. Only in moments of weakness, in the dark of night, did the memories intrude, scurrying out from the crevices of his mind, like scorpions in the desert after dark, to sting him. He dealt with them as his father had taught him to deal with any weakness, by ruthlessly suppressing them. Now, seeing his childhood experiences through Cassie’s eyes, he felt cornered. He had endured, but never questioned. What he had been taught here formed the foundations of his entire life. He did not want to have to scrutinise them. He did not want to even think about whether they were wrong. ‘It is the way of things here,’ he said, annoyed to find that his voice contained just a hint of defensiveness, even more annoyed to find himself wondering whether Cassie might have a point.

‘Well, if the result of your traditions is a long line of cold, unfeeling, invincible rulers like you,’ Cassie responded heatedly, ‘then I’m glad I’m not part of it. And I’ll tell you something, Jamil, I think deep in your heart, you don’t want to be part of it either.’

‘You know nothing about—’

‘You’ve already admitted you won’t be treating your son in the same way,’ Cassie interrupted ruthlessly, desperate to find a way to get through to the man she now realised was barricaded up inside a coat of armour forged from pain and suffering. ‘You told me that you wanted things to be different for Linah, too. You want a different life for your children, you’re even prepared to face the wrath of your Council to provide it, but can’t you see the place you need to start is with yourself? Jamil, your father was so wrong.’ Her eyes were wide with unshed tears. ‘To care is not a weakness, it’s a strength. To stand alone, to say you don’t need anyone, that’s simply a lie. Everyone needs someone to love, everyone needs someone to love them, don’t you see that?’

‘Your love for your poet—did that strengthen you or weaken you?’ Jamil asked coldly. It was a cruel remark, he knew that, but he was hurting.

Cassie flinched. ‘I did not love Augustus.’ Not at all, she realised suddenly. She had been in love with the idea of love only.

‘You told me yourself, the first time that we met, that what you felt was humiliation as a result of this so-called love.’

He was just lashing out, she knew that. This place held such awful memories for him, it would be a miracle if he did not. And what he said was true, after all, even if it was said to divert her. To divert him. Cassie laced her fingers together, then unlaced them. Then laced them again, frowning hard. ‘You’re right, I did feel humiliated,’ she admitted, ‘but not by being in love, by being so mistaken. I was humiliated and ashamed of my stupidity, my wilfulness.’

She stared at him hopelessly. An immense pity for the lonely boy he had been, for the solitary man he had been forced to become, washed over her. How to get through to him, she had no idea, especially since he seemed intent on preventing her. This was a pivotal moment, she felt it. If she did not make him see now, he never would. ‘You are missing out on so much by denying yourself.’

‘You cannot miss what you have never had,’ Jamil replied curtly. ‘In any case, I am not denying myself. I am protecting myself. And my kingdom.’

‘By refusing to allow yourself to feel! To love! Do you deny your people such things?’

‘Love! Why must you always bring that up? It doesn’t exist, save in those pathetic poems you are forever reading.’

Seeing his determinedly set face, Cassie almost despaired. His knuckles were white around the horse whip. A horse whip, for God’s sake. His father had trained him in the same way as he trained his thoroughbreds. A flash of rage gave her a surge of strength. She grabbed the riding crop from Jamil and, bending it over her knee, snapped it in two. ‘There! That is what I think of your father’s methods, and that is what I think of your stupid traditions,’ she declared, panting with the exertion. ‘Do you really want this thing to dictate your entire life?’ She threw it with all her might out into the desolate garden. ‘What he did to you was cruel. Disgustingly, horribly cruel, but he is dead now. You are your own man, not your father’s. He was wrong, Jamil, wrong. Allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to love, and you will see for yourself how happy it can make you.’

‘It did not make you happy,’ Jamil retorted pointedly.

‘Oh, why must you keep bringing Augustus into everything?’ Cassie exclaimed. ‘I’m beginning to feel as if I’ll never be rid of him.’ But at least Jamil was looking at her properly now. He was listening. Cassie took a deep breath. ‘When you love someone, really love someone, you can feel it here …’ she pressed a hand to her bosom ‘… or here.’ She touched her stomach. ‘I’ve never felt that, I admit it. Few people do, but when they do, they just know. That is the kind of love that makes you strong.’