Falling Out Of Bed

He turns his head a little. “Oh, really?”

“It was years ago, when I was going to school. She said I might be able to use it.” I place the water glass on the nightstand and watch the straw circle to the other side. “There are margin notes by some of the poems.”

“She and I used to go to the park, read poetry out loud.”

“‘Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink.’ I always liked that even though you wouldn’t stop for Cokes.”

He shakes his head. “Back then there never seemed to be enough time. Now there’s too much.”

Another memory surfaces—Lena and I in the back seat, my parents in the front, my mother sitting close to him, and he has his arm around her.

“I forget. Who’s the poem by?”

Dad closes his eyes, licks his lips. They look dry and chapped. I need to get him some Chap Stick at the store tomorrow.

“Coleridge. It’s the ‘Rime of the Ancient Mariner.’”

“I used to love when you’d recite it.”

“‘God save thee, ancient Mariner!’” He smiles at me and I smile back.

“Did Mom memorize some of it, too?”

“I don’t know. I had to memorize it to win a contest in school. First prize was ten dollars. Back then ten dollars was like a million. We didn’t have much money. It took me three months.”

“You memorized the entire poem?”

He nods and I imagine my father as boy, trying to put each line to memory. I’m not surprised though. He’s always been determined.

“Yeah, I was the only one in the school who could recite it perfectly.”

“What did you buy with the money?”

“I gave it to my mother for food.” He closes his eyes again. “I’m so tired.”

I pat his shoulder, get up and walk through the living room into the kitchen. Three mugs half full of cold tea sit next to the sink. Dried-out tea bags, like winter leaves on our front porch in Texas, dot the counter, stain the white Formica. Jan loves tea and makes cup after cup, leaving a trail of tea bags behind her like Hansel and Gretel.

I look through the pass-through above the sink. She is sitting on the couch, the phone pressed between her right shoulder and ear. I hear her laugh, say, Oh, Donny, and I know she’s talking to her only child. Before Dad, Jan was married to a colonel in the air force and they had Donny. He’s thirty-three, a problem man-child who’s been in jail three times for drunk driving.

“Things are the same. Oh, Stanley’s daughter, Melinda, is here.”

Jan looks back to me, holds up her mug and smiles deeply. I have learned this means she would like another cup of tea. I turn to the stove, grab the kettle, fill it with water, place it on the burner, snap the control to high and hear the familiar hiss—fire licking metal.

“We’re bonding, Donny. She’s nice. You’d really like her.”

Jan’s words remind me I have not seen my ex-stepbrother in a long time. I try to think of the last time but only know it was when he was a child.

“It’s a lot of work for me, but I have to do it for Stanley. Work, work, work, there’s nothing else,” she says in her breathy persona as she flips her hand back and forth.

Jan has her back to me now, and I wonder if she knows I can hear her.

Work, work, work, my foot! Since I’ve been here, she sleeps till ten, sits on the couch and goes to lunch with Verna and Bob Skilly. I have encouraged her to do these things because I know it must be difficult for her to see my father depressed and in bed most of the time. And I appreciate that she has come to help him.

But in the last four days, I’ve cleaned the condo, arranged for the garage and water heater repairs, driven my father to his appointments, tried to get him to eat and drink and listened to her complain about how inept he was as a husband.

I have swallowed back the hurt that rises in my throat when she talks about him. I haven’t said anything to her about this because I don’t want to cause a problem.

The teakettle whistles, I fill her mug, dunk the tea bag up and down until the water is dark. I add two teaspoons of sugar, get the milk from the fridge. The carton’s opening is smeared with her red lipstick. I pour milk in the tea, put the carton back in the refrigerator.

Yesterday morning I was going to have cereal, but when I found the carton in such shape, I put it back, pictured Jan, late at night, lit in the glaring refrigerator light, head tipped back, guzzling milk. Instead I poured orange juice over my Raisin Bran, hoping she didn’t drink that from that carton, too.

I walk out to the living room, hand her the tea. She smiles and so do I. I know she is trying to be nice. I make it across the living room, to the edge of the dining room where I’ve folded my blanket and stacked pillows—the place where I sleep because Jan is in the guest room. She also told me when I first got here that she needs the couch late at night when she can’t sleep.

“Okay, baby, I’ll call you tomorrow.” She hangs up, sighs. “Melinda.”

I turn back reluctantly, want to like her, but there are so many things about her that drive me crazy.

“I’ve probably talked to him more this week than I have in months.”

I want to say, And all on my father’s dime, but I don’t. I feel bad for even thinking it. She has come here to take care of my father, and I should be thankful for that. I only wish she would actually do a little work while she’s here.

I nod, press my mean thoughts and words back where I hope they stay. “It’s nice you can talk to him.”

“He remembers you. He’s had his problems, but he’s straightened out.”

I think, It’s about time, close my eyes against the words, then I smile at her again.

“That’s good, Jan.” I walk into the kitchen, begin cleaning up. Through the pass-through, I see her get off the couch, cross the living room and head toward the kitchen. She sits at the pine table that holds the computer my father bought three months ago but has not used.

I sweep tea bags and crushed napkins into the trash, run water for the dishes. I really don’t feel like cleaning, but it will keep me from having to shift my full attention to her.

“Before Stanley and I were married, he was so nice to Donny.” Her voice is thin, baby-like.

I know she’s gearing up for one of her negative stories about my father. I wash a mug and watch a tea bag float in between the soap bubbles.

“The first year we were dating, Stanley fixed Donny’s bicycle, took him places, but then after we got married…it was like Donny didn’t exist. When Stanley moved down here and volunteered at the grammar school, well, I thought that is the perfect place for Stanley. He can help then walk away with no commitment.”

The anger I’ve tamped down turns over, groans, but I press it back. Maybe if I don’t say anything she’ll stop or talk about how she misses Seattle. That I can relate to. Right now I’d like to be sitting in my sunrise-filled breakfast nook, drinking from the coffee mug Jenny gave me.

“I never understood why he volunteered at the grammar school. He never liked kids.”

“I suggested he volunteer,” I say, remembering when he called me from Las Cruces right after he moved here and told me how lonely he was. I told him to call a senior volunteer program. He did and for a year he was a first-grade teacher’s aide at a school filled with Hispanic children. I was happy for him because he was getting a kick out of the kids and making friends with other volunteers.

“Like I said, I thought it was strange, but then I realized it was perfect for him because he didn’t have to make a commitment or really get involved. That’s how he likes it—his life without any ties.”

“Don’t we all. But he took some great pictures of the kids.” I submerge my hands in the hot water, remember the black-and-white photos he showed me of the happy young faces staring up into his camera lens. He snapped the photos right before Easter. They were perfect—artistic, beautiful.

“Some of those kids never had their pictures taken till Dad took them.” I manage to keep the edge out of my voice.