No Place Like Home

‘How long, Cyndi?’ Ben asked.

‘Ben, I don’t think this is a conversation we ought to be having in front of company.’

For once Sandy agreed with Cyndi. Moving across the room, one hand gripping Todd’s, she stopped briefly and gave her brother’s balled fist a squeeze and then let herself and Todd out of the apartment.

‘How long?’ Ben asked again after the door had closed behind his sister.

‘How long what?’

‘For Christ’s sake, Cyndi!’ Ben exploded, making her step back in shock. ‘I know you’re not as dumb as you try to make out so just answer the damn question. How long have you been sleeping around?’ The slap took him by surprise.

‘How dare you!’

‘How dare I?’ He felt a strange desire to laugh, as his hand touched the sting on his cheek. ‘I wasn’t the one caught with my panties down!’

‘Oh, grow up! You can’t tell me you didn’t know.’

Ben sat down heavily, as though his knees could no longer support him. Cyndi hesitated and then sat opposite him. In a way it made it all so much worse. In the past when they rowed, she would storm off, slam the bedroom door and sulk for half an hour. Ben would potter around and then, after the set time had elapsed, he’d go in with a peace offering and they’d make up. But apparently Cyndi had no intention of stomping off this time. That fact meant that she wanted to deal with it, and that in turn confirmed to Ben it really was over.

He looked back at the beautiful face. There was little emotion to be read on it and he no longer knew how much of that was due to Botox and filler and how much was just due to Cyndi. In complete contrast, Ben’s eyes were red, his hair was off in a bunch of different directions from where he’d been running his hands through it and his throat felt rough and constricted.

Cyndi looked back at the man she had loved.

‘Nearly a year,’ she said quietly.

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. I guess I was bored. The tour was great but then when that finished, I guess – it was just so … normal.’

Ben smiled but it was cold and didn’t warm the ice of his eyes.

‘Why are you smiling?’ Cyndi asked, warily, unsure whether she truly wanted to know the answer.

‘I suppose that answers everyone’s questions as to whether you would have married me if I wasn’t part of Cheyenne.’

Cyndi lowered her eyes. Ben had hoped for a denial, or at least an attempt at one, but she made none.

‘I always told you I was just a regular guy, Cyndi, but I guess that wasn’t enough for you?’

‘I did love you, Ben.’

He looked at her and tried to believe it.

‘Do you love him?’ he asked, his fingers twiddling the gold band on his left hand

‘I don’t know.’

Cyndi could see the muscles in Ben’s jaw working.

‘So you threw our marriage away on a “don’t know”?’ She made no answer. ‘What else is there, Cyndi?’ Ben’s uncharacteristic anger was bubbling up again. If she’d admitted to falling in love with someone else, he might have been able to understand it – in time at least. Ben was an old-fashioned romantic at heart and true love would win him every time. But this? This, he couldn’t understand. He’d loved Cyndi with all his heart. He’d meant every single vow he’d made and the thought she had destroyed everything on a whim was beyond him.

‘It’s just sex then?’

‘No.’

‘So, it’s not love and it’s not sex. What is it, Cyndi? What else is there? Why else would you bring him into our house, into our bed?’ He raised his palms to the ceiling. ‘You’re really gonna have to help me out here ’cause I’m struggling to find another reason.’

Hs wife noticed the strength in his accent. Ben rarely showed his temper but when he did, his accent always increased the angrier he got. It seemed to be a Danvers trait.

‘Don’t be sarcastic, Ben. It doesn’t suit you.’

‘Oh, really? Is that so?’

‘Yes!’

Heavy silence filled the room as they glared at each other. Cyndi began to speak again. She wasn’t used to feeling out of control and she didn’t like it. She’d expected Ben to have started trying to win her back by now. Promising her something else – she wasn’t sure what yet. She’d have to think about that. And she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to be won back. But she certainly didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t even trying – just standing there glaring at her. Like it wasn’t his fault too. Why should she take all the blame?

‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ She shrugged. It’s not love and it’s not just sex. I guess it’s … something in between.’ She tossed her now brushed-out hair. ‘We just have a great time together – in and out of bed!’ The pained look on Ben’s face shocked her, and suddenly she knew she had gone too far. Cut him far more deeply than she’d realised. She also knew he didn’t deserve this. Growing up, everyone had always said Cyndi Lawson was going to be a heartbreaker, and she’d been pleased with that description, knowing that it gave her power and got her attention, but right up until this moment, she had thought it was just a phrase.

Ben didn’t have the energy or the words to respond to his wife. His stomach churned and his breath felt laboured as though he’d been punched. Cyndi moved towards him.

‘Don’t.’ His voice was raw as he took a step away.

‘Ben, please.’ Ben looked down at the face that had captivated him from the moment he’d seen her. Stunning, like a Hollywood starlet, and he’d fallen for her completely. She’d been so sweet to him at the beginning and he’d loved her. Utterly. Completely. With everything he had. And now? What? He felt numb.

‘I loved you so much,’ he said.

There were tears in her eyes and this time he could tell they were genuine. ‘I know.’

*

Ben drove around for hours, not seeing where he was, replaying things over and over again in his mind. They had a great time ‘in and out of bed’. The phrase got louder and louder in his head until it was the only thing he could hear. At the next junction, he hung a U-turn and pressed the accelerator.

*

Todd opened his front door without checking the peephole and stood aside, already expecting the visitor. Sandy walked through from the kitchen, two beers in her hand and looked up at her brother, her eyes welling up as she did so. Despite his size, he looked small and broken. Crossing the room, she hugged him without a word, then handed him one of the beers.

‘Here. I think you need this more than I do.’

‘Thanks.’

Sandy returned from the kitchen with a replacement beer for herself and they sat in silence for a few moments.

‘Man, am I stupid!’ Ben said, eventually, shaking his head. He tried to laugh but a strangulated noise replaced the sound.

‘No, you’re not.’

‘A year! Nearly a year and I never suspected a thing!’