Night Of Shame

Raymond removed his pipe and gazed steadily at her, waiting for an answer.

Judith was silent. She sat stiffly, shifting her eyes towards the fire to avoid his penetrating regard. The flames danced before her but she did not see them.

‘Were you lovers at some stage?’ he asked.

‘No!’ she denied hotly while throwing him an apprehensive glance.

‘There’s no need to shout. I don’t expect you to be a virgin, Judith, at the age of twenty-nine.’

Her blush took them both by surprise. She’d meant to tell Raymond; had been waiting for the right moment. But it hadn’t presented itself yet.

‘Good God,’ he muttered. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

Judith’s chin lifted in an odd defiance. ‘Does it matter? I thought men of your generation liked their brides to be virgins on their wedding night. I mean...I thought you’d be pleased.’

‘To be honest, I’m more surprised than pleased. You’re such a good-looking woman. And you were engaged once before, weren’t you? And not to a man of my...er...generation. I always imagined most young couples slept together before they married these days.’

‘Well, Simon and I didn’t,’ she said quite sharply, piqued that Raymond seemed to be finding fault in her virginity. ‘Our courtship took place while he was in hospital, recovering after a car accident. By the time he was fit and well and able to make love, we were engaged, and I...I wanted to wait. It was only going to be for another short month and Simon said he didn’t mind. He said it would make our marriage all the more special.’

Tears pricked at her eyes as she remembered him saying that, and the warm, understanding kiss which had followed. She knew he’d been frustrated by then, but he’d been prepared to wait. She’d been the one who hadn’t been able to wait in the end.

And it had cost Simon his life.

That overwhelming sense of guilt swamped her, fiercer than it had been for years. Dear God, would she never forget? Or forgive herself?

One thing was for certain. She would never forgive Alexander Fairchild. The man was as good as guilty of murder in her opinion. She hated him with a passion, hated him for doing what he’d done to her, and to Simon.

A silence had fallen in the room, the only sound the flames crackling in the hearth.

‘You must have had some sort of relationship with Fairchild,’ Raymond resumed at last with relentless logic, ‘or he wouldn’t be able to turn you inside out like this.’

‘He was Simon’s best friend,’ she choked out, as though that explained everything.

‘So?’ Raymond was clearly puzzled. ‘That doesn’t make much sense, Judith. Look, I know you were engaged to this Simon person, and that he was killed in a motor accident a couple of days before your wedding. But what does Fairchild’s being his best friend have to do with that? Your fiancé was alone in the car, wasn’t he?’

‘Yes.’

‘Then I don’t understand. Why don’t you try to make me understand, Judith?’

Shame compelled her to lie, plus the knowledge that Raymond would never understand or condone the truth. Not that she could blame him. She’d never understood or. condoned it herself.

‘Simon and Alexander had a violent argument that night,’ she explained, running her tongue over dry lips. ‘When Simon sped off crazily in the car, Alexander knew he was drunk and upset, but he...he didn’t try to stop him. He was directly responsible for the accident and Simon’s death, and I’ll never, ever forgive him!’

A frown creased Raymond’s high forehead. ‘What was the argument about?’

‘What?’

‘The argument between Fairchild and your fiancé.

What was it about?’

‘Oh...er...I don’t really know. There was a lot of shouting and a scuffle, then Simon drove off. What does it matter what it was about now? All I know is that Alexander was to blame for Simon’s death.’

‘You really think so?’

‘I know so! Why do you think I don’t want to go tonight? Why I can’t bear to be in the same room as him?’

Two totally exasperated eyes looked straight at her. ‘I never thought you were a fool, Judith, and I’m sure you’re not. I can well understand how distressed you must have been at the time of your fiancé’s death. But distress does have a way of distorting things in one’s mind. With the passing of the years, surely you can see now that Mr Fairchild was not to blame for the accident itself? A man is master of his own destiny. If your fiancé was drunk, he should have refrained from driving.’

Judith opened her mouth to protest but Raymond swept any objection aside.

‘Don’t forget how you originally met the man,’ he went on stolidly. ‘In hospital...after a car crash. Doesn’t sound like your Simon was the most sensible driver in the world. I think you’ve harboured an unfair grudge against Fairchild all these years, Judith, and it’s high time you put it aside.’

With a pompous flick of his wrist, Raymond checked the time on his wristwatch. ‘It is now six forty-three, my dear, and we are expected at eight. Let’s hear no more nonsense. Go and put on one of those glamorous gowns you’ve been buying lately. I want to be the envy of everyone there with my beautiful fiancée on my arm.’

Judith stared at Raymond. He actually meant it. He expected her to simply brush aside her distress as easily as he had and go to the party. He probably expected her to smile at Alexander and act as if nothing had ever happened between them.

He must have seen her shock for he suddenly leant forward and took her hands in his. ‘Come now, Judith, you can’t honestly expect me to ring Margaret up at the last minute and say you won’t be going. She would never understand.’

Judith nodded slowly. It was hopeless. She would have to go and that was all there was to it.

‘I am right, you know,’ Raymond insisted. ‘Your antagonism towards Fairchild is all out of proportion. Time has distorted things in your mind. When you see him again, you’ll recognise that. But if you find he still upsets you in any way, then simply avoid him. All I ask is that you be tactful. Now off you go like the sensible girl you are and get ready.’

Judith suppressed a sigh and rose automatically.

‘I’ll bet Fairchild has hardly given you a second thought in all this time,’ Raymond added with cold logic.

Those last words hit home, right to the core of her heart. He was right. No doubt Alexander hadn’t given her a second thought. She hadn’t been a real person to him, merely a weapon in his need for vengeance.

‘You’re quite right, Raymond,’ she said with a fierce hardening of her heart. ‘Quite right. Thank you for pointing that out to me.’

Judith turned and moved purposefully across the drawing room and out into the foyer, her heels clicking on the marble floor.

Damn you, Alexander Fairchild, she was thinking angrily. Why did you have to show up in my life again now? Now, when I’m on the verge of finally finding some happiness and peace of mind. Why couldn’t you have stayed in the past, a guilty ghost locked away for ever, together with my night of shame?

Fury and frustration carried Judith swiftly across the spacious foyer, but as she put her foot on the first step of the ornately carved staircase and her eyes lifted to follow the luxurious curve of peacock-blue carpet a disturbing memory struck. Her foot froze, her hand reaching out to curl tightly over the ornately carved knob at the bottom of the balustrade.

She’d been coming down such a staircase when she’d first seen him...

Judith shook herself violently. Her hand released its tormented hold and she continued her ascent, determined not to give in to the maudlin memories that had begun crowding around the edge of her mind. But it was difficult.

At the top of the staircase, she halted again, groaning as she realised the house itself was working against her. It kept reminding her of that other lavishly furnished house, the one to which Simon had taken her a week before their wedding.

Judith had known he came from a well-to-do farming family, but she still hadn’t been prepared for the splendour of his home, or the cool sophistication of his mother and sister. Everything had been so overwhelming that first day that she’d found herself acting far more gauchely than she ever had before. Tongue-tied, too.

Simon’s father had been quite nice to her, but his mother and sister had let her know, with cleverly disguised barbs, that they thought her highly unsuitable to be Simon’s wife. They’d also managed to make her feel hugely indebted to them for paying for the wedding, even though she hadn’t asked or expected them to. They’d insisted. Frankly, she would have much preferred a small, quiet ceremony in Shyness.

Judith had tried to dismiss their rudeness and cloak herself in Simon’s love, reminding herself constantly that she was marrying him, not his family, and they would live in Simon’s lovely little unit in Shyness, not out here in this daunting country mansion.