Bound By His Vow: His Final Bargain / The Rings That Bind / Marriage Made of Secrets

His hands gripped her wrists, gently but firmly. ‘You keep fighting me but you want this as much as I do. I know you do. I know you want me. I feel it every time you look at me.’

‘It’s wrong.’ Eliza was close to breaking. She couldn’t allow herself to fold emotionally. She had to be strong. She had to think of poor Ewan. It was her fault he had been robbed of everything. He would never feel love again. He would never feel passion or desire.

Why should she feel it when he no longer could?

‘Tell your fiancé you want a break.’

‘I can’t do that.’

‘Why not?’

‘He wouldn’t understand.’

‘Make him understand. Tell him you want a month to have a think about things. Is that so much to ask? For God’s sake, you’re giving him the rest of your life. What is one measly month in the scheme of things?’

Eliza tried to control her trembling bottom lip. ‘Relationships can’t be turned on and off like that. I’ve made a commitment. I can’t opt out of it.’

His dark eyes glittered. ‘Are saying you can’t or you won’t?’

She forced herself to hold his challenging look. ‘I won’t be used by you, Leo.’

One of his hands burned like a brand in the small of her back as he drew her closer. ‘What’s all this talk of me using you?’ His voice was still low and deep, making her resolve fall over like a precariously assembled house of cards. ‘You want the same thing I want. There doesn’t have to be a winner or a loser in this. We can both have what we want.’

Eliza could feel the slow melt of her bones. She could feel that sharp dart of longing deep inside her body, the need that longed to be assuaged. Was it wrong to want to feel his passionate possession one more time? To explore the intense heat that continued to flare between them? But would one month be enough? How could it ever be enough? Experiencing that earth-shattering pleasure again would only leave her frustrated and miserable for the rest of her life. She would always be thinking of him, aching for him, missing him. It had been hard enough four years ago. He had lived in her body for all this time, making her even more restless and unhappy with her lot in life.

But it was her lot in life.

There was no escaping the fact that Ewan’s life had been destroyed and that she had been the one to do it. How could she carry on with her life as if it didn’t matter?

Of course it mattered.

It would always matter.

With a strength Eliza had no idea she possessed, she pushed back from him. ‘I’m sorry…’ She moved away from him until she was almost standing in the shrubbery. ‘You’re asking too much. It’s all been too much. Finding out about your daughter’s blindness…seeing how hard it is for her and for you. I can’t think straight…I’m confused and upset…’

‘You need more time.’

She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment as if that would make all of this go away. But when she opened them again he was still standing there, looking at her with his unwavering gaze.

‘It’s not about time…’ She bit down on her lower lip. ‘It’s just not our time…’ It was never our time.

He tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Her skin shivered at his tender touch, the nerves pirouetting beneath the surface until she was almost dizzy with longing. ‘I’ve handled this appallingly, haven’t I?’ he asked, resting that same hand on the nape of her neck.

Eliza wasn’t sure how to answer so remained silent. His hand was strong and yet gentle—protective. She longed to be held by him and never let go. But the past—their past—was a yawning canyon that was too wide and deep to cross.

He let out a rough-sounding sigh and, stepping away from her to look out over the rear garden, that same hand that had moments ago caressed her was now rubbing at the back of his neck as if trying to ease giant knots of tension buried there. ‘I’m still not sure why I came to you that day in London. I needed a nanny in a hurry and for some reason the first person I thought of was you.’ His hand dropped to his side as he turned and looked at her again. ‘But maybe it was because I wanted you to see what my life had become.’ His expression was tortured with anguish and frustration. ‘I’ve got more money than I know what to do with and yet I can’t fix my child. I can’t make her see.’

Eliza felt his frustration. It was imbedded in every word he had spoken. It was in every nuance of his expression. He was in pain for his daughter—physical and emotional pain. ‘You’re a wonderful father, Leo. Your role is to love and provide for her. You’re doing all that and more.’

‘She needs more than I can give her.’ He dragged a hand over his face. It pulled at his features, distorting them, making him seem older than his years. ‘She needs her mother. But that’s another thing I can’t fix. I can’t bring her mother back.’

‘That’s not your fault. You mustn’t blame yourself.’

He gave her a weary look. ‘Giulia was already broken when I met her. But I probably made it a thousand times worse.’

‘How did you meet her?’

‘In a bar.’

Eliza felt her face colour up. ‘Not a great place to find lasting love…’

He gave her a look she couldn’t quite decipher. ‘No, but then people at a crossroads in their lives often hang out in bars. I was no different than Giulia. We’d both been disappointed in love. She’d been let down by a long-term lover. In hindsight, I would have been much better served—and her, for that matter—if I’d just listened to what had been going on in her life. She needed a friend, not a new lover to replace the one she’d lost.’

‘What happened?’

His gaze dropped to the gravel at his feet as he kicked absently at a loose pebble. ‘We had a one-night stand.’ His eyes met hers again. ‘I know you might find this hard to believe, but I don’t make a habit of them. I regretted it as soon as it was over. We had no real chemistry. In some ways I think she only went through with it because she wanted to prove something to herself—that she could sleep with another man after being with her lover for so long.’ He took a breath and slowly released it. ‘She called me a month later and told me she was pregnant.’

‘You must have been furious.’

He shrugged one shoulder. ‘I wasn’t feeling anything much at that stage. I guess that’s why I offered to marry her. I truly didn’t care either way. As far as I was concerned, the only woman I wanted wasn’t available. What did it matter who I married?’

Eliza ignored the flash of pain his words evoked and frowned at him. ‘Why was marriage so important to you? Most men your age are quite content with having affairs. They wouldn’t dream of settling down with one person for the rest of their life, even when there is a child involved, especially one that wasn’t planned.’

‘My father loved my mother,’ he said. ‘It ended badly, but he always instilled in me that it was worth committing to one person. He didn’t believe in half measures. His philosophy was you were either in or you were out. I admired that in him.

‘I tried my best with Giulia. I gave her what I could but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the day we didn’t love each other. No amount of commitment on my part could compensate for her guilt over Alessandra’s blindness. She just couldn’t handle it. She rejected her right from the start. In her mind, it was as if someone had handed her the wrong baby in the hospital. She couldn’t seem to accept that this was what life was going to be like from now on.’

‘I’m sure there are a lot of parents who feel that way,’ Eliza said.

He scored a pathway through his hair, as if even thinking about that time in his life made his head ache. ‘The thing was, Giulia didn’t want to have my baby. She wanted her ex’s child.’

Eliza’s frown showed her confusion as it pulled at her forehead. ‘But you said she deliberately set out to get pregnant, that she set you up.’

He gave her another weary look. ‘It’s true. But the thing is, I could have been anyone that night. She wanted to hit out at the man who’d let her down so badly. She wasn’t thinking straight. On another night she might not have done it, but of course once it was done it was too late to undo it. She wasn’t the type to have an abortion and, to be honest, I didn’t want her to. We were both responsible for what happened. I could have walked away from her that night. But, in a way, I think I was trying to prove something too.’

Eliza sank her teeth into her lip, thinking about how devastating all this had been for him. His life had changed so swiftly and so permanently. And she had been part of that devastation when she had rejected his proposal. Was she always destined to ruin other people’s lives? To make them desperately unhappy and destroy the life they had envisaged for themselves?

‘I’m sorry…I can see now why you feel I’m partly to blame for how things have turned out. But who’s to say we would’ve had a great relationship if I had been free to marry you?’

His dark eyes meshed with hers. ‘Do you seriously doubt that we couldn’t have had a satisfying relationship after what we shared during those three weeks?’

She turned away from his penetratingly hot gaze and folded her arms across her middle, cupping her elbows with her crossed over hands. ‘There’s much more to a relationship than sex. There’s companionship and emotional honesty and closeness. The best sex in the world doesn’t make up for those things.’

‘Is that what you have with your fiancé? Emotional closeness?’

‘I should get back…’ Eliza glanced towards the villa. ‘Alessandra will be well and truly awake by now. Marella will be wondering what’s happened to me.’

She started back along the pathway but she didn’t hear Leo following her. She glanced back when she got to the fountain but he had disappeared from sight. She gave an uneven sigh and, with a little slump of her shoulders, made her way inside the villa.