A Sea of Shields

As she did, her mother, lying there unconscious, slowly opened one eye. Her mother looked surprised and pleased at the sight of Gwen, and she slowly opened both eyes, and opened her mouth to speak.

She mouthed words, but they came out as a gasp. Gwen could not understand her.

Her mother cleared her throat and waved her hand for Hafold.

Hafold immediately bent over, leaning her ear close to the Queen’s mouth.

“Yes, my lady?” Hafold asked.

“Send everyone out. I want to be alone with my daughter and Thorgrin.”

Hafold looked briefly at Gwen, resentfully, then replied, “As you wish, my lady.”

Hafold immediately rounded everyone up and ushered them out the door; then she came back and took her position again at the Queen’s side.

“Alone,” the Queen repeated to Hafold, with a knowing look.

Hafold looked down, surprised, then gave Gwen a jealous look and stormed out of the room, closing the door firmly behind her.

Gwen sat there with Thor, relieved they were all gone. A heavy blanket of death hung in the air. Gwendolyn felt it – her mother would not be with her much longer.

Her mother clasped Gwen’s hand, and Gwen squeezed hers. Her mother smiled, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

“I am pleased to see you,” her mother said. It came out as a whisper, just audible.

Gwen felt like crying again, and she tried her hardest to be strong, to hold back her tears for her mother’s sake. Yet she could not help herself; tears suddenly came pouring out, and she cried and cried.

“Mother,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. For everything.”

Gwen felt overcome with sorrow that they had not been closer in life. The two of them had never fully understood each other. Their personalities had always clashed, and they could never see things the same way. Gwen was sorry for their relationship, even if she was not to blame. She wished, looking back, that there was something she could have said or done to make it different. But they had just been on two sides of the spectrum with everything in their lives. And it seemed that no effort on either of their part could ever change that. They were just two very different human beings, stuck in the same family, stuck in a mother-daughter relationship. Gwen was never the daughter she’d wanted, and the Queen was never the mother Gwen had wanted. Gwen wondered why they had been meant to be together.

The Queen nodded, and Gwen could see that she understood.

“It is I who am sorry,” she replied. “You are an exceptional daughter. And an exceptional Queen. A far greater Queen than I ever was. And a far greater ruler than even your father was. He would be proud. You deserved a better mother than I.”

Gwen brushed back tears.

“You were a fine mother.”

Her mother shook her head.

“I was a good Queen. And a devoted wife. But I was not a good mother. Not to you, at least. I think I saw too much of myself in you. And that scared me.”

Gwen squeezed her hand, crying, wishing they could have more time together, wishing they could have talked like this earlier in their lives. Now that she was Queen, now that they were both older, and now that she had a child, Gwen wanted her mother here. She wanted to be able to turn to her as her advisor. Yet ironically, the time she wanted her around the most was the one time she could not have her.

“Mother, I want you to meet my child. My son. Guwayne.”

The Queen’s eyes opened wide in surprise, and she lifted her head on her pillows and looked down and saw, for the first time, Gwen holding Guwayne in her arms.

The Queen gasped, and she sat up more, then burst out sobbing.

“Oh, Gwendolyn,” her mother said. “He is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.”

She reached out and touched Guwayne, laying her fingertips on his forehead, and as she did, she cried harder.

Her mother slowly turned and looked over at Thor.

“You will be a fine father,” she said. “My former husband loved you. I have come to understand why. I was wrong about you. Forgive me. I am glad you’re with Gwendolyn.”

Thor nodded solemnly, reached over, and clasped the Queen’s shoulder as she reached out for him.

“There is nothing to forgive,” he said.

The Queen turned and looked at Gwendolyn, and her eyes hardened; Gwen saw something inside them shifting, saw the former hard Queen coming back to life.

“You face many trials now,” her mother said. “I’ve been keeping track of all of them. I still have my people everywhere too. I fear for you.”

Gwendolyn patted her hand.

“Mother, do not trouble yourself with this now. This is no time for affairs of state.”

Her mother shook her head.

“It is always time for affairs of state. And now most of all. Funerals, do not forget, are affairs of state. They are not family events; they are political ones.”

Her mother coughed for a long time, then breathed deep.

“I haven’t much time, so listen to my words,” she said, her voice weaker. “Take them to heart. Even if you do not wish to hear them.”

Gwen leaned in closer and nodded solemnly.

“Anything, Mother.”

“Do not trust Tirus. He will betray you. Do not trust his people. Those MacGils, they are not us. They are us in name only. Do not forget this.”

Her mother wheezed, trying to catch her breath.

“Do not trust the McClouds, either. Do not imagine you can make peace.”

Her mother wheezed, and Gwen thought about that, trying to grasp its deeper meaning.

“Keep your army strong and your defenses stronger. The more you realize that peace is an illusion, the more peace you will secure.”

Her mother wheezed again, for a long time, closing her eyes, and it broke Gwen’s heart to see what an effort this was for her.

On the one hand, Gwen thought that perhaps these were just the words of a dying Queen who had been jaded too long; yet on the other hand, she could not help but admit that there was some wisdom in them, perhaps wisdom that she herself did not want to acknowledge.

Her mother opened her eyes again.