Hand in Glove

A padded footfall was heard in the passage. A light tattoo sounded on the door and a voice, male but pitched rather high, called out, ‘Bath’s empty. For what it’s worth.’ The steps receded.

Mr Period repeated his sound of irritation.

‘Have I or have I not,’ he muttered, ‘taken my bath in the evening for seven uncomfortable weeks?’ He glanced at Alfred. ‘Well, well,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ Alfred rejoined and withdrew.

As he crossed the landing, he heard Mr Cartell singing in his bedroom. ‘It won’t answer,’ Alfred thought, ‘I never supposed it would,’ and descended to the kitchen. Here he found Mrs Mitchell, the cook; a big and uninhibited woman. They exchanged routine observations, agreeing that spring really did seem to have come.

‘All hotsey-totsey in the upper regions?’ Mrs Mitchell asked.

‘As well as can be expected, Mrs M.’

A shrill yelp modulating into a long drawn out howl sounded outside. ‘That dog!’ Mrs Mitchell said.

Alfred went to the back door and opened it. An enormous half-bred boxer hurled itself against his legs and rushed past him to the kitchen. ‘Bitch!’ Alfred said factually, but with feeling.

‘Lay down! Get out of my kitchen! Shoo!’ Mrs Mitchell cried confusedly.

‘Here – Pixie!’

The boxer slavered, ogled and threshed its tail.

‘Upstairs! Pixie! Up to your master.’

Alfred seized the bitch’s collar and lugged it into the hall. A whistle sounded above. The animal barked joyously, flung itself up the stairs, skating and floundering as it went. Alfred sent a very raw observation after it and returned to the kitchen.

‘It’s too much,’ he said. ‘We never bargained for it. Never.’

‘I don’t mind a nice cat.’

‘Exactly. And the damage it does!’

‘Shocking. Your breakfast’s ready, Mr Belt. New-laid egg.’

‘Very nice,’ Alfred said. He sat down to it, a neat man with quite an air about him, Mrs Mitchell considered. She watched him make an incisive stab at the egg. The empty shell splintered and collapsed. Mrs Mitchell, in a trembling voice, said: ‘First of April, Mr B.,’ and threw her apron over her face. He was so completely silent that for a moment she thought he must be annoyed. However, when she peeped round her apron, he shook his egg-spoon at her.

‘You wait,’ he threatened. ‘You just wait, my lady. That’s all.’

‘To think of you falling for an old wheeze like that.’

‘And I changed the calendar too.’

‘Never mind. There’s the genuine articles, look. Under your serviette.’

‘Napkin,’ Alfred said. He had been in Mr Period’s service for ten years. ‘I don’t know if you’re aware of the fact,’ he added, taking the top off his egg, ‘but April Fool’s Day goes back to pagan times, Mrs Mitchell.’

‘Fancy! With your attainments, I often wonder you don’t look elsewhere for employment.’

‘You might say I lack ambition.’ Alfred paused, his spoon half-way to his mouth. ‘The truth of the matter is,’ he added, ‘I like service. Given favourable circumstances, it suits me. And the circumstances here are – or were – very nice.’

A telephone rang distantly. ‘I’ll answer it,’ Mrs Mitchell offered. ‘You take your breakfast in peace.’

She went out. Alfred opened his second egg and his Daily Mail and was immersed in both when she returned.

‘Miss Cartell,’ she said.

‘Oh?’

‘Asking for her brother, “Oh,” she says. “Mrs Mitchell!” she says, “just the person I wanted to have a word with!” You know her way. Bluff, but doing the gracious.’

Alfred nodded slightly.

‘And she says, “I want you,” she says, “before I say anything to my brother, to tell me, absolutely frankly,” she says, “between you and me and the larder shelf, if you think the kweezeen would stand two more for lunch.” Well!’

‘To whom was she referring?’

‘To that Miss Moppett and a friend. A gentleman friend, you may depend upon it. Well! Asking me! As far as the kweezeen is concerned, a nice curry can be stretched, as you know yourself, Mr Belt, to ridiculous lengths.’

‘What did you say?’

‘“I’m sure, miss,” I says, just like that! Straight out! “My kitchen,” I says, “has never been found wanting in a crisis,” I says, and with that I switched her up to his room.’

‘Mr Period,’ Alfred said, ‘will not be pleased.’

‘You’re telling me! Can’t stand the young lady, to give her the benefit of the title, and I’m sure I don’t blame him. Mr Cartell feels the same, you can tell. Well, I mean to say! She’s no relation. Picked up nobody knows where and educated by a spinster sister to act like his niece, which call her as you may have remarked, Mr Belt, he will not. A bad girl, if ever I see one, and Miss Cartell will find it out one of these days, you mark my words.’

Alfred laid aside his paper and continued with his breakfast. ‘It’s the arrangement,’ he said, following out his own thought, ‘and you can’t get away from it. Separate rooms with the joint use of the bathroom and meals to be shared, with the right of either party to invite guests.’ He finished his tea. ‘It doesn’t answer,’ he said. ‘I never thought it would. We’ve been under our own steam too long for sharing. We’re getting fussed. Looking forward to a nice day, with a letter of condolence to be written – Lady Bantling’s brother, for your information, Mrs M., with whom she has not been on speaking terms these ten years or more. And a young lady coming in to help with the book, and now this has to happen. Pity.’

She went to the door and opened it slightly. ‘Mr C.,’ she said with a jerk of her head. ‘Coming down.’

‘His breakfast’s in the dining-room,’ said Alfred.

A light tattoo sounded on the door. It opened and Mr Cartell’s face appeared: thin, anxious and tightly smiling. The dog, Pixie, was at his heels. Alfred and Mrs Mitchell stood up.

‘Oh – ah – good morning, Mrs Mitchell. ’Morning, Alfred. Just to say that my sister telephoned to ask if we can manage two more. I hope it won’t be too difficult, Mrs Mitchell, at such short notice.’

‘I dare say we’ll manage quite nicely, sir.’

‘Shall we? Oh, excellent. Ah – I’ll let Mr Period know. Good,’ said Mr Cartell. He withdrew his head, shut the door and retired, whistling uncertainly, to the dining-room.

For the second time in half an hour Alfred repeated his leitmotiv. ‘It won’t answer,’ he said. ‘And I never thought it would.’

II

‘Sawn-lee,’ a hollow voice on the loudspeaker announced. ‘Sawn-lee. The four carriages in the front portion of the train now arrived at number one platform will proceed to Rimble, Bornlee Green and Little Codling. The rear portion will proceed to Forthampstead and Ribblethorpe. Please make sure you are in the correct part of the train. Sawn-lee. The four carriages –’

Nicola Maitland-Mayne heard this pronouncement with dismay. ‘But I don’t know,’ she cried to her fellow passengers, ‘which portion I’m in! Is this one of the first four carriages?’