Last Ditch

‘She adores doing that sort of thing,’ said her husband. ‘But aren’t you over your academic hurdles with all sorts of firsts and glories? Aren’t you a terribly young don?’

Ricky mumbled wildly and Jasper smiled. His small hooked nose dipped and his lip twitched upwards. It was a faunish smile and agreed with his cap of tight curls.

‘I know,’ he said, ‘you’re writing a novel.’

‘I’ve scarcely begun.’

‘And you don’t want to talk about it. How wise you are. Here come the others, or some of them.’

Two persons came in: a young woman and a youth of about thirteen years, whose likeness to Jasper established him as a Pharamond.

‘Julia,’ Jasper said, ‘and Bruno. My wife and my brother.’

Julia was beautiful. She greeted Ricky with great politeness and a ravishing smile, made enquiries about his accommodation and then turned to her husband.

‘Darling,’ she said. ‘A surprise for you. A girl.’

‘What do you mean, Julia? Where?’

‘With the children in the garden. She’s going to have a baby.’

‘Immediately?’

‘Of course not.’ Julia began to laugh. Her whole face broke into laughter. She made a noise like a soda-water syphon and spluttered indistinguishable words. Her husband watched her apprehensively. The boy, Bruno, began to giggle.

‘Who is this girl?’ Jasper asked. And to Ricky: ‘You must excuse Julia. Her life is full of drama.’

Julia addressed herself warmly to Ricky. ‘It’s just that we do seem to get ourselves let in for rather peculiar situations. If Jasper stops interrupting I’ll explain.’

‘I have stopped interrupting,’ Jasper said.

‘Bruno and the children and I,’ Julia explained to Ricky, ‘drove to a place called Leathers to see about hiring horses from the stable people. Harness, they’re called.’

‘Harkness,’ said Jasper.

‘Harkness. Mr and Miss. Uncle and niece. So they weren’t in their office and they weren’t in their stables. We were going to look in the horse-paddock when we heard someone howling. And I mean really howling. Bawling. And being roared back at. In the harness-room, it transpired, with the door shut. Something about Mr Harkness threatening to have somebody called Mungo shot because he’d kicked the sorrel mare. I think perhaps Mungo was a horse. But while we stood helpless it turned into Mr H. calling Miss H. a whore of Babylon. Too awkward. Well, what would you have done?’

Jasper said: ‘Gone away.’

‘Out of tact or fear?’

‘Fear.’

Julia turned enormous eyes on Ricky.

‘So would I,’ he said hurriedly.

‘Well, so might I, too, because of the children, but before I could make up my mind there came the sound of a really hard slap, and a yell, and the tack-room door burst open. Out flew Miss Harness.’

‘Harkness.’

‘Well, anyway, out she flew and bolted past us and round the house and away. And there in the doorway stood Mr Harkness with a strap in his hand, roaring out Old Testament anathemas.’

‘What action did you take?’ asked her husband.

‘I turned into a sort of policewoman and said: “What seems to be the trouble, Mr Harkness?” and he strode away.’

‘And then?’

‘We left. We couldn’t go running after Mr Harkness when he was in that sort of mood.’

‘He might have hit us,’ Bruno pointed out. His voice had the unpredictable intervals of adolescence.

‘Could we get back to the girl in the garden with the children? A sense of impending disaster seems to tell me she is Miss Harkness.’

‘But none other. We came upon her on our way home. She was standing near the edge of the cliffs with a very odd look on her face, so I stopped the car and talked to her and she’s nine weeks gone. My guess is that she won’t tell Mr Harkness who the man is, which is why he set about her with the strap.’

‘Did she tell you who the man is?’

‘Not yet. One musn’t nag, don’t you feel?’ asked Julia, appealing to Ricky. ‘All in good time. Come and meet her. She’s not howling now.’

Before he could reply two more Pharamonds came in: an older man and a young woman, each looking very like Bruno and Jasper. They were introduced as ‘our cousins, Louis and Carlotta’. Ricky supposed them to be brother and sister until Louis put his arms round Carlotta from behind and kissed her neck. He then noticed that she wore a wedding ring.

‘Who,’ she asked Julia, ‘is the girl in the garden with the children? Isn’t she the riding-school girl?’

‘Yes, but I can’t wade through it all again now, darling. We’re going out to meet her, and you can come too.’

‘We have met her already,’ Carlotta said. ‘On that narrow path one could hardly shove by without uttering. We passed the time of day.’

‘Perhaps it would be kinder to bring her indoors.’ Julia announced. ‘Bruno darling, be an angel and ask Miss Harkness to come in.’

Bruno strolled away. Julia called after him: ‘And bring the children, darling, for Ricky to meet.’ She gave Ricky a brilliant smile: ‘You have come in for a tricky luncheon, haven’t you?’ she said.

‘I expect I can manage,’ he replied, and the Pharamonds looked approvingly at him. Julia turned to Carlotta. ‘Would you say you were about the same size?’ she asked.

‘As who?’

‘Darling, as Miss Harkness. Her present size I mean, of course. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.’

‘What is all this?’ Carlotta demanded in a rising voice. ‘What’s Julia up to?’

‘No good, you may depend upon it,’ Jasper muttered. And to his wife: ‘Have you asked Miss Harkness to stay? Have you dared?’

‘But where else is there for her to go? She can’t return to Mr Harkness and be beaten up. In her condition. Face it.’

‘They are coming,’ said Louis, who was looking out of the windows. ‘I don’t understand any of this. Is she lunching?’

‘And staying, apparently,’ said Carlotta. ‘And Julia wants me to give her my clothes.’