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How to Fall in Love with a Man Who Lives in a Bush

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2019
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On our right we pass the Hofburg for the second, or maybe third, time. From the big clock I see that Ben and I have been walking for almost three hours. Ben seems to be brooding on something.

‘So how long have you been with this Optimus?’ he asks in the end.

‘Just a few weeks, but I’ve got a feeling he wants to break it off. He’s started clawing the sofa pretty passive-aggressively.’

Ben looks relieved.

‘He’s a cat!’ he cries. ‘When you said Optimus I thought you might be living with some Hells Angels guy. They have weird names like that sometimes. Like The Axe. Or Apache. I could already see myself being forced to give him a good beating.’

He grips my hand even harder.

‘Nah,’ I reply. ‘My Hells Angels boyfriend won’t be out until 2028. You know, they’re pretty harsh on triple murderers.’

Suddenly Ben stops short. He stands in front of me and takes my face in his hands. Even though I’m not short myself, I have to stand on tiptoe to be able to kiss him. But the second before we kiss each other I’m forced to turn my head away and take a step back because the stench surrounding him is quite simply unbearable.


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