Bill Nye and Boomerang. Or, The Tale of a Meek-Eyed Mule, and Some Other Literary Gems

"By the Great Horn Spoons of the pale-face, and the Great Round Faced Moon, round as the shield of my fathers; by the Great High Muck-a-Muck of the Ute nation; by the Beard of the Prophet, and the Continental Congress, I dassent tell a lie!"

When Johnson had repeated this solemn oath – at the same time making the grand hailing sign of the secret order known as the Thousand and One – there was not a dry eye in the house.

Question by General Adams. – What is your name and occupation, and where do you reside?

Answer – My name is Johnson, just plain Johnson. The rest has been torn off. I am by occupation a farmer. I am a horny-handed son of toil, and don't you forget it. I reside in Greeley, Colorado.

Question – Did you, or did you not hear of a massacre at White River agency, during the fall, and if so, to what extent?

Objected to by defendant's counsel because it is irrelevant, immaterial, unconstitutional, imitation, and incongruous.

Most of the forenoon was spent in arguing the point before the court, when it was allowed to go in, whereupon the defendant's counsel asked to have the exception noted on the court's moments.

Answer – I did not hear of the massacre, until last evening, when I happened to pick up a copy of the Evanston Age and read it. It was a very sad affair, I should think.

Question – Were you, or were you not, present at the massacres?

Objected to by defendant's counsel on the ground that the witness is not bound to answer a question which would criminate himself.

Objection sustained, and question withdrawn by the prosecution.

Question – Where were you on the night that this massacre is said to have occurred?

Answer – What massacre?

Question – The one at White River?

Answer – I was attending a series of protracted meetings at Greeley, in this State.

Question – Were Douglass, Colorow and other Ute chiefs with you at that meeting in Greeley?

Answer – They were.

Court adjourned for dinner.

General Adams remarked to a reporter that he was getting down to business now, and that he had no doubt that in a few months he would convict all these Utes of falsehood in the first degree.

After dinner, court was called, with Johnson at the bat and Douglass on deck; General Adams, short stop; Ouray, center field.

Question – You say that you were not present at the White River massacre; were you ever engaged in any massacre?

Objected to, but objection afterward withdrawn.

Answer – No.

Question – Never?

Answer – Never.

Question – What! Never?

Answer – Well, dam seldom.

(Great applause and cries of "ugh!")

Question – Did you, or did you not, know a man named N. C. Meeker?

Answer – Yes.

Question – Go on and state if you know where you met him and at what time.

Answer – I met him in Greeley, Colorado, two or three years ago. After that I heard that he got an appointment as Indian Agent somewhere out west.

Question – Did you ever hear anything of him after that?

Answer – Nothing whatever.

Question – Did the account of the White River massacre that you read in the Age mention the death of Mr. Meeker?

Answer – No. Is he dead?

General Adams – Yes, he is dead.

At that the witness gave a wild whoop of pain and anguish, fell forward into the arms of General Adams, and is unconscious as we go to press.

We do not wish to censure General Adams. No doubt he is conducting this investigation to the best of his ability; but he ought to break such news as this as gently to the Indian as possible.

SOME ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS

Lock Malone, Beaver, Utah, writes as follows:

"I am now making some important scientific experiments with Limberger cheese as a motor, but have no data whereby to work. So new and unusual is the motor to science, that I am unable to get anything relative to its history.

"1. When was Limberger cheese first discovered, and by whom?

"2. What did he do it for anyway?

"3. To what do you attribute the bad odor in which Limberger cheese is held by scientists?

"4. Looking from what may be termed a purely utilitarian standpoint, and not allowing ourselves to be influenced by incongruous incandescence, should you say in all respects that virtually in view of the heterogeneous mobility of attended animalculate it might had or couldn't possibly was?"

ANSWER

1. Limberger cheese was first discovered by Galileo, floating through space, during his studies relative to the heavenly bodies.

This was about 1609.

The body had, however, been floating through space for many millions of years previous to that, as Galileo remarks in his diary that he wasn't proud of it at all for it was evidently in a very poor state of preservation.