How To Lose Weight And Alienate People

‘Don’t exaggerate, I’m thirty-four.’

‘Thirty-five on Saturday; and since that is only two days away it’s time for you to create a more secure life for yourself. Because, face facts, this,’ he taps my script, ‘is not exactly lining the coffers and it’s showing no signs of doing so in the near future. At this rate your breakthrough lead role is going to be the sequel to Driving Miss Daisy. Question: do you know what a PEP, ISA or Tessa is?’

‘The more precocious characters from a Dickens novel?’ I joke, but I shift a little irritably in my seat. I don’t want a conversation about the future. I’m not done with the present. The only time span I am totally done with is the past, but I am not going to talk about that either.

‘I’m only saying this because I’m your mate, and I understand your situ,’ explains Roger. ‘I used to be a hot mess too, but I had to change when things got serious with Pete …’ He glances fondly at the framed picture of his husband – a garland of flowers round his neck on their honeymoon in Hawaii – that takes pride of place on the desk. ‘Because he had this crazy idea about wanting us to have security.’ Roger looks back up at me and grimaces. ‘But guess what? Earning then saving can be fun. Having a few quid in the bank means that should you ever want to shake things up a little and do something out of the ordinary – just for you – it’s possible.’

‘Rog! Are you suggesting I might want to go and find myself? Ha! Count me out. I’ve seen Eat Pray Love … What a load of bollocks. Trust me, any woman who spends six months scoffing pasta, pizza and traditionally manufactured Italian ice-cream, then another six months in an ashram thinking about the amount of white flour, wheat and trans-fats she has consumed would end up in a mental institution. Not Bali.’

He tuts. ‘There’s more to life than getting trashed in London every weekend, Vivian.’

‘I know. That’s why God invented budget airlines … so that from the beginning of May to mid-October for less than the price of a round of drinks in one of our capital’s leading nightspots we can go and get trashed in Ibiza instead.’

‘Does that mean you’re going there again this summer?’

Depressingly I can’t, as I am the poorest I have ever been. I don’t know where my money goes. Okay, that’s a lie. I know exactly where it goes: nights out, minicabs on the aforementioned nights out, St Tropez (the tanning mousse not the luxury French seaside resort), Grey Goose vodka (the lowest carbohydrate content of all the brands but the most expensive) and ASOS. I am addicted. It’s the crack pipe of the online fashion world. Every time I enter my three-digit security code I tell myself that it is my last hit but two days later I’ll find myself buying another load of basic vests and skinny-leg trousers … in the style of Tyler Momsen. I am too embarrassed to tell Roger the truth, though, so I blame him.

‘I won’t be heading to the White Isle this year, actually. Since my once reliably up-for-it GBF won his man but lost his sense of adventure,’ I fix him with a pointed look, ‘I haven’t made any plans. I’m assuming you and Pete are already booked into a four-hundred-euro-a-night boutique hotel in Mykonos.’

‘Turkey, actually. Greece is too much of a cliché.’ He smiles at me. ‘Seriously, at least take Fiona’s number and have a chat with her.’

I get out my absolutely knackered old Nokia from my back pocket to show willing. Roger laughs loudly when he sees it.

‘Piss off, Rog, I will get round to upgrading at some point.’

‘Vivian, since you last mentioned you were going to do that, London has bid for the Olympic Games, won the honour to stage them, built the Olympic Park, staged the event and the athletes are now in training for 2016. But if you do, obviously get the new iPhone. It’s genius, I can’t live witho …’

I zone out again and get up from the desk, taking one last glance at the truffles. Ethereal. Ethereal.

Roger cocks his head at me. ‘Vivian? I was saying I’ll text you her number.’

‘Ace. You do that …’ I tell him. ‘Now, can you quit with the concern and return to your usual light bitching – you’re freaking me out.’

He repositions his Joe 90 spectacles and glances down again at my manuscript for Surf Shack. ‘A neurotic yet stubborn and antagonistic mother’, eh? Well,’ he grins, ‘you’ll have to dig deep on the maternal angle. But other than that, you should be fine.’

It’s only early evening but the atmosphere in Burn’s is what British Vogue once described as ‘expensively buzzy’. For many of our members – now that summer is here – Thursday marks the end of their working week. Tomorrow they’ll either head off to a music festival with VIP laminates dangling round their necks or jet off on a European city mini-break. Those with kids will jump into their 4x4s and motor down to the West Country for a relaxing weekend at their second home – usually some sort of traditional fishing cottage, which thanks to a chi-chi interior designer (based in Hampstead, naturally) is now free of any sense of sea-faring tradition bar a Cath Kidston table cloth bearing an anchor motif.

In addition to the restaurant there are four other floors at Burn’s. It’s a similar layout to Shoreditch House – our main competitor – except they have a rooftop pool. Our basement has a cinema, the top floor has a spa and a gym, the first floor has a cocktail bar and alcoves for private dining, whilst the second floor is used as a lounge area. This can be used for business meetings, reading the papers, playing games … whatever. Some members spend all day and all evening here until 2 a.m. when Roger has to ask them to leave so we can close. These die-hards always look panicked when they get booted out, as if the prospect of fending for themselves for the next five hours (until we re-open at 7 a.m. for breakfast) without instant access to Molton Brown toiletries, a decent Caesar Salad and an antique backgammon board is really quite daunting. My job is to flit unobtrusively between all these floors making sure that everything is running smoothly and that all members are happy. They usually are, but today, one of them looks even happier.

‘Oi, Vivian! Over ‘ere a sec, sweet’eart.’ The genuine cockney bark of Clint Parks resonates around the restaurant. The letter ‘h’ has no place in his vocabulary.

I wind my way through the tables and give him a kiss on the cheek. As always, he smells of Envy by Gucci and over excitement. ‘How are you, Clint? I haven’t seen you for a few days.’

‘I’ve been in Tenerife on a nice little freebie, as it ‘appens … judging some beauty contest for a chain of ‘otels. Naturally, I made sure the fittest bird came second so I could cheer ‘er up in my suite afterwards.’ Everyone at the table giggles. Clearly, they aren’t picturing Clint hammering away at some desperate wannabe with vacant eyes.

As the loud, crass, womanising gossip columnist for News Today, you would have thought that Clint is exactly the kind of punter who would have his application for membership at a swish private club like Burn’s revoked as soon as it came before the selection committee, but actually he and his friends are just the kind of punters we need. It’s simple. Clint and his mates rack up huge bills on booze, then go to the toilet to rack up huge lines of cocaine and then they return to the bar to rack up even bigger bills on booze. If we turned him away he would only go to any of the other members’ clubs in London, then Burn’s would miss out on his custom and all the free promotion we get from being mentioned repeatedly in Clint’s Big Column.

He can be a handful, but I like Clint. Without him I wouldn’t have my job at Burn’s, and he’s saved me from being sacked a number of times. (‘If you tell ‘er to ‘oppit, I’m ‘opping off to Shoreditch ‘ouse.’) When I first met him I had left drama college and was working in a scuzzy basement wine bar. We were open from 5 p.m. until My Boss Was Drunk Enough to Ignore All Laws Concerning Sexual Harassment in the Workplace and Would Start Pestering Me to Sleep With Him. Clint bowled in one night, celebrating his first major splash as a junior reporter: revealing the three married Premiership soccer stars behind a series of roasting orgies. He got so plastered he left without his laptop; it contained all his leads and contacts. I made him sweat a couple of days then called him at News Today saying I had found the computer. He immediately asked what he could do for me in return. I told him I was desperate for a new job; somewhere with a bit more pizzazz and finite working hours. Clint had the answer; he had just been asked to become a member at a brand-new private club in West London. He put a word in for me and I was hired instantly. So, I slept with my boss one (more) time, then handed him my resignation.

‘So, ‘ere’s the score, Vivian … we need some of that quality Krug. Something very special indeed ‘as ‘appened.’ Clint rolls up the sleeves on his jacket – a pale blue silk bomber with the word ‘Parksie’ emblazoned on the back in diamanté studs. ‘The wife’s only got a bleedin’ bun in the oven. She’s preggers!’

‘Wow,’ I say.

After this initial response, I have time to practise my ‘I’m thrilled for you’ face, as one of his cronies – a depth-free harridan called Sophie Carnegie-Hunt, who runs Get On It! (a celebrity management and promotions company) – returns from the loo. As usual she is wearing a hat tipped at a jaunty angle and a guitar band gig T-shirt. That’s her thing. Today it’s a woven tweed shooting cap with a top from the Strokes Is This It? tour. She sits down without acknowledging me and rubs Clint’s back in that overly earnest way induced by a recently ingested substantial line of coke.

‘You really bloody deserve this blessing, angel.’ She nods. ‘You’ll be a bloody amaaaaaaaaaa-zing father. My daddy is a bloody amazing man … genuinely philanthropic. I think I got the desire to nurture and support people from him.’

Clint rolls his eyes at the rest of the table. ‘That’ll be the nurture and support our Sophs offers at a standard rate of thirty per cent of all future earnings, eh?’ They all laugh and he turns back to me. ‘She’s right, though. With me as a dad, Junior will want for nothing …’

‘Except maybe regular visits from Social Services.’ I smile at Clint. He snorts loudly and winks at me. ‘Anyway, let me get that champagne sorted. You wanted the Krug Grand Cuvée?’

‘That’s the one. Three bottles to get us going. Bung ‘em on my tab.’ No one else at the table gives me another option for payment. ‘Right, I’m off to the khazi.’ He pulls away from Sophie’s hand, which is still pawing his back. ‘Oi, Sophs, you got my nonsense?’

She passes him her handbag. ‘In there somewhere, angel.’

I pretend not to notice, but the truth is none of the staff at Burn’s would ever stop anyone from doing drugs. The police never come in anyway. Years back, they did show a bit of interest after Sadie Frost’s sproglet was reported to have found an ecstasy pill to nibble on in another leading members’ club, but these days serious knife crime quite rightly takes up more of their time than preventing go-getting career professionals from bellowing self-aggrandising crap at one another for hours on end.

Clint heads off upstairs. Our members tend to eschew the lavatories on the restaurant level for coke snorting as the futuristic egg-shaped toilet bowls jut out of the cubicle wall. There is no visible cistern or anywhere to get a purchase on, unless you use the loo seat … which they would consider using a bit … well, druggie. So they go upstairs. There, the roomy art deco influenced unisex conveniences have the required air of decadence and purpose. In fact, they may as well have been designed in consultation with regular visitors to The Priory or Promises. Every surface in the loo is mirrored, including a heavy back shelf – which is also under-lit, so every last grain of gak can be accounted for.

I wave over to Dane, one of the waiters. He also plays guitar in a folk rock band … sort of Mumford and Sons-ish but with more of a message. Despite this, he’s an all right guy. He walks over.

‘Parksie’s having an ickle tiny kidlet,’ Sophie tells him in a baby voice. (Another of her ‘things’, it’s not just because of the subject matter.) ‘Bloody-wuddy amazing, no?’

‘That’s cool, man. Pass on my congratulations, won’t you?’ Dane smiles sweetly, whilst I’m thinking how much I would like to plunge a fork into her hand. ‘Champagne all round, then?’

‘Three bottles of Krug,’ I instruct him. ‘Cheers, Dane.’ Then I mooch off …

… to do more mooching around the restaurant; checking that orders are being taken, glasses filled, bills issued and tables turned over swiftly. The air is thick with braying voices regaling industry anecdotes. Our members are a mixture of those with glamorous jobs in the media (movies, music, television, journalism, advertising), the fashionably creative (designers, artists, photographers), plus a few of the more urbane City boys and girls. Everyone wears conspicuously on-trend outfits. For the men this means sharp suits and smart-casual wear from fashion-forward labels available on Selfridges first floor, or an ironically hip talking-point garment like Clint’s ‘Parksie’ jacket. For the girls it’s bang up-to-date designer gear mixed smugly with decent high-street copies, vintage pieces, and a ‘statement’ handbag (usually a Mulberry or a Chloe). A statement that they hope says emphatically: I have it all! But what it actually says is, I have a very negative image of myself but forking out nine hundred quid on a single accessory every season has a temporarily positive effect.

As a hostess I have to wear black. Within this remit I can choose clothes that are stylish enough to give the place an aspirational vibe and slightly intimidate the non-members coming in, but not so stylish that I make the regulars feel like they are losing it or that the venue is too of-the-moment. I can get fully ready – tan, outfit, face, hair – within two hours. This may sound like a long time but as well as wanting to get my look right for work I have always stuck to a simple grooming statute: I will never leave the house unless I wouldn’t mind bumping into anyone who I went to school with. Obviously, when I say anyone, I mean someone.

‘What a gorgeous evening. Summer really is on its way,’ trills Tabitha, the receptionist, as I am walking into the foyer to check on … not much. (Tabitha always has everything under control.) ‘We’re going to be busy bees …’ She rearranges her tartan headband. ‘The restaurant and alcoves are all fully booked and the first-floor bar has been chock-a-block since lunchtime.’

Tabitha is in her mid-twenties but accessorises as if she was still nine, and likes to send group emails to us all of YouTube footage showing different breeds of animals unexpectedly befriending one another. She sees the good in everyone and is always irrepressibly cheery. So much so that at first I thought this might be a front she puts up to hide a much darker side, but then I bumped into her having a night out with her friends. Were they similar to Tabs? Let’s say it would be safe to assume not one of them will go to the grave knowing how filthy an amphetamine comedown on a Wednesday can be.

‘Oooh, it’s your b’day on Saturday, isn’t it? How exciting!’ she squeals.

‘Very,’ I lie. I’m not excited. Birthdays make me uncomfortable.

‘Have you got the whole weekend off?’

‘No, I’ve got to do the breakfast shift on Sunday morning.’ Roger’s idea of a joke – making me drag my sorry carcass into work with a hangover.

‘Me too. But since I won’t see you on the special day itself, let me give you your gift now.’

She reaches under the desk and pulls out a white cardboard box. I flip open the lid. Inside are six mini fairy cakes decorated with pink icing and crystallised jelly hearts.

‘Ah, thanks a lot, Tabs … you shouldn’t have.’ She really shouldn’t have. Later they will be placed in the big black wheelie bin outside the club. ‘So, who’s in tonight? Anyone interesting?’