A Boy's Christmas Wish

The tables had turned here in North Fork. Linda was gone, and Danny was on top. Beth, as she always had been, was stuck somewhere in the middle... Not family enough for her father, not daughter enough for Linda, and not enough of whatever it would have taken for Danny to come clean and tell her his whole story. Frankly, she was tired of not being enough, and now that she had a little girl on the way, she was determined to be mom enough for one tiny person.

* * *

DAN STOOD IN his kitchen that evening making grilled cheese sandwiches. His house wasn’t large, but it had a garage and a decent yard for Luke to play in. When he bought the place two years ago, it had even come with a trampoline, much to Luke’s delight.

Dan could see the trampoline from the light that spilled into the backyard from his kitchen window, and it was covered in a soft layer of snow. He was hoping it would survive another year, because he couldn’t afford to replace it.

He was still annoyed with Beth, and it had taken him a few hours of brooding in the store before he worked out why. It was because she sparked that protective instinct in him. She needed a bit of special treatment right now, whether she deserved it or not, and he couldn’t provide it. And because she was pregnant, he felt obliged to do something to make things easier for her, even though what he really wanted to do was open up that can of worms with her—she’d walked out on him when he needed her most. She’d betrayed his trust, too! She’d broken his heart and left him floundering with a three-year-old who cried for his mother and to whom Dan was a stranger.

He’d needed her, and what were vows for if they didn’t count in the hard times? She’d been willing to marry him, so what would have happened if Lana had come a couple of weeks later—would she have still walked out? And if not, what made a week before those vows any different? They were supposed to be saying what was in their hearts already—publicly stating an already existing commitment to each other...or so he’d thought. So yeah, she was pregnant and alone, but she’d done wrong by him five years ago, and he couldn’t even address it with her. Only a complete idiot upset a pregnant woman.

A choice between a woman and his son... He knew where he’d land. Luke was his top priority, bar none. But his anger didn’t take away those latent feeling he’d had for Beth, either, and left him feeling mildly guilty. It was more comfortable when things were black-and-white, when he could land easily on one side of the equation.

Dan flipped the grilled cheese and admired the golden top of the sandwich. He was always rather proud of himself when he produced a perfect grilled cheese, and glanced into the living room, where Luke was doing his home reading from school. But Luke’s attention wasn’t on the book. He was staring at a spot on the sofa, his brow creased.

“You okay, buddy?” Dan asked.

“Yeah.” Luke tossed his book aside and ambled into the kitchen. He looked over Dan’s shoulder at the grilled cheese.

“Yours is on the table,” Dan said, and Luke didn’t move.

“Kiera T. is adopted,” Luke said. “Her birth mother visits her on her birthdays.”

“Oh, yeah?” Dan eyed Luke. “You aren’t adopted, you know.”

“I know.” Luke turned toward the table and slid into his spot. “William is adopted, too, but he doesn’t know his birth mom.”

It seemed like the third-grade class at the local elementary school was getting to know each other a little better. Luke had gone to school with these kids since kindergarten.

“That depends on the terms of the adoption,” Dan said. “An open adoption means that it isn’t a complete goodbye.”

“Huh.” Luke picked up his grilled cheese and took a greasy bite. “So what about my mom? How come I don’t know her?”

There it was. Dan’s stomach sank. Luke asked about his mom from time to time, but until now, he’d asked about her in the past tense, like where he was born or how he came to North Fork. Dan pulled his own grilled cheese from the pan and joined his son at the table.

“She brought you to me when she realized she couldn’t take care of you,” Dan said. This was the same story he always told. “And I’m really glad she did. It was the best day of my life.”

That was the only version his son would ever hear, but it had taken a while for him to realize that it was the best day of his life, because he’d been scared, alone, heartbroken when Beth left, and unsure of how his life would work...

“Is she allowed to see me?” Luke asked.

The easy answer was yes, but it came with a whole lot of questions that Dan didn’t know how to answer. He took a bite of his sandwich to give himself time to think.

“Well,” Dan said slowly, “she can. I mean, I wouldn’t keep her away. But I wouldn’t let her take you back, if that’s what you’re worried about. I have legal custody of you, which means that your home is with me.”

“Does she want to take me away?”

Shoot. He’d probably scared the kid now. Dan sighed. “No, of course not.”

And a small and petty part of him hoped that Lana stayed both uninterested and very far away...at least until Luke was older.

“I don’t remember her,” Luke said.

“You were only three when you last saw her,” Dan said. “Little kids forget.”

“What’s she like?” Luke fixed big brown eyes on Dan’s face, waiting.

“When I knew her a long time ago, she was really pretty,” Dan said. “She liked to eat her French fries with honey instead of ketchup.”

“Ew,” Luke said.

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, buddy,” he chuckled. “It’s pretty good.”

“Do you talk to her sometimes?” Luke asked.

“No.” She’d left contact information, and she updated that by email periodically, but that was it. She was living in Vancouver now. They didn’t chat. She didn’t ask about Luke. Maybe it was too painful for her—he didn’t know.

“What if I wanted to meet her?” Luke asked.

Dan sighed. “It’s not as simple as that.”

“How come?” Luke pressed. “She’s my mom. I’ll bet she wants to see me.”

Dan wished that were true, but if Lana had wanted to see Luke, she’d have done it long ago. And he was wary... While it was good that she’d left contact information, she had never made any overtures, and Dan had two fears: first, that she’d change her mind and try to take Luke back. Just thinking about that left him anxious. Dan couldn’t afford court costs, and if she tried to just drive off with Luke... He pushed the thought back.

The second fear was that she’d show no interest at all in seeing their son, and Luke would be rejected all over again, except this time he’d be old enough to remember it.

Dan and Lana hadn’t been a terribly serious couple when they’d conceived Luke. They’d met at a party and dated on and off for a bit. Dan hadn’t been a mature guy at twenty-six. He’d been working hard and partying harder, and he’d been wondering if he might have a problem with alcohol, considering how much he was consuming... Lana struggled with depression, and he didn’t understand it very well. Neither did she, for that matter, and they’d been fighting a lot. Then she told him she was pregnant. She said she wanted to raise the baby without him, and he was fine with her choice. He was offered a job in Alberta, and he took it.

He wasn’t proud of his willingness to leave Lana with all the responsibilities now, and that was why he refused to bad-mouth Lana to Luke. If Lana had kept Luke, she might have told equally disastrous stories about him—how he’d just walked away and never looked back. He wouldn’t do that to Luke...or to Lana. She was Luke’s mom, and he’d speak about her with respect. Always. Even when he felt most threatened.

“Let me think it over,” Dan said.

Luke was silent for a few moments, munching his grilled cheese, then wiping his greasy fingers on the front of his shirt.

“Use a napkin,” Dan said.

“Don’t have one.” The shirt was dirty now. It was probably high time Luke started learning how to do laundry anyway.

“Am I allowed to talk to her?” Luke asked. “Because Kiera T. can see her birth mom on Facebook, and sometimes her birth mom will comment on pictures of Kiera T. and say that she’s getting really big or something.”

Dan put down his sandwich. “I don’t have your mom on Facebook.”

“But you could search her, right?”

Luke wasn’t going to give this up, Dan could tell. And he understood why it was so important to the boy, but he couldn’t change facts. Evasion wasn’t going to work, either. Luke was old enough to know that trick.

“Right now, you can’t talk to her,” Dan said. “I’m sorry. It’s my job to decide what’s best for you, and tracking down your mom wouldn’t be a good idea. Right now. When you’re older it might be different.”