Making Happy People: The nature of happiness and its origins in childhood

About this book (#ulink_61def93f-983f-578a-b386-eb3497571451)

The story comes in three parts. First, we will consider what happiness is and why it really matters. Defining happiness at the outset is obviously crucial, because although the word is bandied about in everyday conversation, its meaning is rarely clear. ‘Happiness’ signifies different things to different people.

To preview the next chapter, I will argue that happiness consists of a combination of three distinct elements: pleasure (the emotional sensation of feeling good in the here and now), the absence of displeasure (freedom from unpleasant sensations such as anxiety or pain) and satisfaction (judging, on reflection, that your life is good). Thus happiness depends both on feeling (pleasure) and thinking (satisfaction). We will then look at the many different ways in which happiness is good for us, such as making us physically healthier and more likely to succeed in our chosen aims.

Having looked at the nature and benefits of happiness, we will examine the main factors that influence its development during each individual’s lifetime. We will consider, for example, how happiness is affected by personal relationships, work, genes, health, intelligence, marriage, money, education, religion and physical attractiveness. Some of these influences, notably personal relationships, turn out to be very important whereas others, notably wealth, have surprisingly little enduring impact.

The final part of the book discusses how parenting and education can help or hinder the development of happiness in children. We will see how different styles of parenting behaviour affect children’s long-term prospects for happiness and well-being. We will also imagine what an education system might look like if it paid more attention to happiness. One conclusion here is that a preoccupation with short-term, measurable attainment can do more harm than good. Education must obviously provide children with far more than just qualifications if they are going to be happy, successful people for the rest of their lives.

This is not a self-help book in the conventional sense, although I hope you will find it helpful. Vast numbers of books have been written on the subject of happiness, but I would like to think this one is different for a number of reasons. For a start, it approaches happiness in terms of development – that is, how happiness emerges and changes during the lifetime of the individual, from conception to death. Often the best way to understand a complex aspect of human nature is to see how it is assembled during the early years of life, and how it changes over time in response to experience. Most self-help books on happiness are only about adults, or only about children, and they focus on one slice of a person’s life, usually the here and now. But a fuller understanding can only come from thinking about the whole lifespan. Happiness is not an afterthought to be grafted on when we have grown up: its foundations are laid in childhood.

Childhood, however, is not merely a preparation for adulthood, and there would be no excuse for subjecting children to prolonged unhappiness on the grounds that it might make them happier or more successful as adults. Forcing children to neglect their friends and hobbies in order to study hard at subjects they dislike might pave the way to well-paid careers, but at what cost? Such strategies often backfire before the hallowed goal is ever reached. Conversely, keeping young children ‘happy’ (or, at least, docile) by indulging their every whim is not difficult, but children who are spoiled in this way sometimes turn into unpleasant adolescents and unhappy adults. Happiness is for life: it should start at the beginning and continue through to the end. The aim should be to raise happy children who develop into happy adults.

Old age matters as well. Thanks to improvements in living conditions and healthcare, the populations of wealthy nations are living longer and spending a larger proportion of their lives as elderly people. Laying solid foundations for lifelong happiness will therefore be even more important for future generations than it is for ours. Fortunately, the ingredients that contribute to successful aging are, by and large, the same ones that promote happiness earlier in life.

Some self-help books on happiness or parenting appear to be based on remarkably little evidence, relying on anecdotes and appeals to ‘common sense’ rather than verifiable data. The novelist Ian McEwan was barely exaggerating when he wrote that there is ‘no richer field of speculation assertively dressed as fact than childcare’. In my opinion, it is a good idea to be sceptical of any argument that relies mainly on appeals to ‘common sense’, because ‘common sense’ often turns out to be wrong. (Albert Einstein famously defined common sense as the collection of prejudices we acquire by the age of eighteen.) I have tried as far as possible to base my arguments on published scientific evidence rather than ‘common sense’ or personal opinion – although I have not shied away from expressing my opinions as well. Many of the scientific papers and books from which I have drawn this evidence are listed in the References section at the back.

A substantial body of objective research evidence is now available to cast light on a subject that was once the preserve of philosophers, theologians and gurus. Over the past decade or so, many scientific investigations have been conducted into the nature, causes, consequences and origins of happiness.

Within psychology, in particular, there has been a revolution in thinking. During the second half of the twentieth century, psychology focused almost exclusively on what goes wrong with people’s minds, largely ignoring all the things that usually go right. For instance, between 1967 and 1994 the main academic psychology journals published nearly 90,000 papers about depression, anxiety or anger, but barely 5,000 that even mentioned happiness, satisfaction or joy.

(#litres_trial_promo) The negative outnumbered the positive by 18 to 1. Since then, however, there has been an explosion of interest among psychologists in positive states of mind such as happiness, optimal experience and satisfaction with life. A whole new field of study has emerged, which its practitioners refer to as positive psychology.

Positive psychology is concerned with well-being rather than with disease, with how people flourish rather than how they become ill. Its ultimate aim is to make lives happier and healthier, and to help individuals realise the highest possible levels of human potential. In a much more limited way, that is also the aspiration of this book. You do not have to be an unhappy adult, or the parent of an unhappy child, to benefit from knowing more about the nature and causes of happiness.

TWO What is happiness? (#ulink_36fae7f8-962d-5f12-b511-8d706f218a98)

What is the highest of all the goods that action can achieve? The great majority of mankind agree that it is happiness … but with regard to what happiness is, they differ.

ARISTOTLE (384–322 BC), The Nicomachean Ethics

Heart and head (#ulink_ea314e59-60bc-5e73-b22e-bbd335934045)

During a visit to France many years ago, the former British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan asked Madame de Gaulle, wife of the French president, what she was most looking forward to when her hard-working husband retired. To Macmillan’s surprise and embarrassment, Madame de Gaulle replied, ‘A penis.’ Only later did it dawn on him that what she had actually said was ‘Happiness.’ Most of us recognise a penis when we see one, but we might feel less confident if asked to define happiness. Ask two parents what they mean by the word and you will get two different answers; ask two philosophers and you will probably get at least five.

Debating definitions is usually a tedious exercise beloved of pedants, but in this case it really does matter. After all, I have already suggested that happiness is the most important thing in life. On a practical level, implicit but faulty beliefs about the nature of happiness have a pervasive influence on almost every sphere of human activity, ranging from government economic policies to religion, from education to therapy, and from how we raise our children to how we conduct our daily lives. So, before burrowing into the causes of happiness and their practical implications, we should first decide what happiness is.

For a start, happiness is a distinct state in its own right, and not merely the absence of sadness or depression. You can be happy and sad at the same time, if you think about it. Imagine, for example, how you might feel (or felt) on your last day at school, or when your youngest child leaves home for college, or when you leave a job you have enjoyed for an even better one. Your feelings might be a complex mixture of pride, satisfaction, excitement, anxiety, sorrow and anticipation. Happiness is more than just the absence of unhappiness in much the same way that health is more than just the absence of disease.

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Happiness also means more than just feeling good in the here and now. Like any other fundamental aspect of human nature, happiness is too complex to reduce to a single dimension or a simple formula. So, what is it? Rather than dance round the issue, I will set out a definition that is as simple as I can make it, but which should nonetheless be recognisable to most scientists and philosophers who make a professional study of the subject. In short, happiness is a mental state composed of three distinct elements:

• Pleasure: the presence of pleasant, positive moods or emotions such as pleasure, contentment, joy, elation, ecstasy or affection.

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• Absence of displeasure: the absence of unpleasant, negative moods or emotions such as sadness, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, envy or shame.

• Satisfaction: judging, on reflection, that you are satisfied with your life in general and with at least some specific aspects of your life (for example, your personal relationships, career or physical abilities).

Thus happiness is a combination of experiencing pleasure, not experiencing displeasure and being satisfied with your life. The relative proportions of pleasure, absence of displeasure and satisfaction can vary enormously, although you need at least a little of all three to be truly happy. Happiness therefore comes in many shapes, colours and flavours, comprising different combinations of satisfaction, pleasure and displeasure. Furthermore, any one combination of the three can be attained in many different ways: each person has their own unique blend as a result of their own unique life history and experiences.

Some psychologists and philosophers argue that there is a fourth dimension to happiness, which they variously refer to as ‘meaning’, ‘purpose’ or ‘virtue’. This embodies the sense that for a life to be truly happy it must have some deeper purpose or meaning beyond pleasure or satisfaction. For some people, this fourth dimension means religion (a subject we shall return to in chapter 6). However, the concept that true happiness requires a deeper purpose or meaning goes back at least as far as the philosophers of ancient Greece, for whom it did not necessarily have religious connotations.

(#litres_trial_promo) This is complex philosophical territory. Suffice it (I hope) to say that my threefold definition of happiness, and especially the element of satisfaction, is meant to be interpreted in the broadest possible sense, to encompass this fourth dimension. Great satisfaction, and hence great happiness, clearly can be derived from believing that your life has some deeper purpose or meaning, whatever that is.

The more straightforward distinction between pleasure and the absence of displeasure also has deep roots running back to ancient Greece. The philosopher Epicurus, among others, argued that avoiding pain and displeasure is a crucial element of happiness.

(#litres_trial_promo) The seventeenth-century poet John Dryden captured the thought in these lines: ‘For all the happiness mankind can gain / Is not in pleasure, but in rest from pain’. Early Buddhist teachings express a similar view when they advocate the avoidance of suffering, and depict the ultimate state of nirvana as one in which all suffering has ended.

Modern research has confirmed that pleasure and displeasure are distinct states, not just opposite ends of the same spectrum. Perhaps surprisingly, the amount of pleasure we experience is found to be relatively independent of how much displeasure we experience, at least when measured over reasonably long periods of time. You can have a lot, or a little, of one or both in your life. A heroin addict might have a life packed with intense pleasure and intense displeasure, whereas a routine-bound suburban drone might have little of either. Given a magic wand, you would probably choose to have a generous serving of pleasure, with occasional homeopathic doses of displeasure to heighten the contrast.

Pleasure and displeasure even have different brain mechanisms. A chemical messenger substance called dopamine is released by the brain in response to food, sex, drugs and other pleasurable stimuli, and for this reason dopamine is sometimes referred to as the brain’s ‘pleasure chemical’.

(#litres_trial_promo) Pleasure also stimulates the release in the brain of natural opiate substances called encephalins and endorphins. An imbalance in a different chemical messenger, called serotonin, plays a central role in unpleasant states such as anxiety and depression. Prozac and certain other antidepressant drugs work by inhibiting the re-uptake of serotonin in the brain and thereby boosting its level.

Pleasure and displeasure can become more closely intertwined in people suffering from severe depression. As well as experiencing intense displeasure, some depressives lose the capacity to feel pleasure – a condition known as anhedonia. They become unable to enjoy experiences that would normally raise their mood, which is one reason why it can be extremely difficult for them to emerge out of their depression.

Even more crucial to an understanding of happiness is the distinction between pleasure/displeasure and satisfaction. Pleasure and displeasure differ from satisfaction in two fundamental ways. First, pleasure and displeasure reflect how you feel, whereas satisfaction reflects how you think about your life.

(#litres_trial_promo) Satisfaction can come from achieving long-term goals, and it extends the concept of happiness to include the fulfilment of mental as well as physical appetites. ‘No man is happy’, wrote the Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius, ‘who does not think himself so.’

The second big difference between pleasure/displeasure and satisfaction concerns time frames. Pleasure and displeasure are rooted in the present: they are about how you feel now. Satisfaction is rooted in the past, as you look back on your life. A Greek scholar called Solon, who lived around 600 BC, expressed this retrospective aspect of satisfaction in a strong (if not wildly overstated) form when he wrote that no man could be described as happy until he was dead. The distinction between pleasure/displeasure and satisfaction means you can be happy without having to be one of those smiley people who appear to be permanently bubbling over with bliss. Some of us are just not very jolly most of the time, but that does not necessarily mean we are unhappy. Happiness comes in many forms, not all of which are built on immediate delight.

Happiness, then, depends both on feeling (pleasure and displeasure) and thinking (satisfaction); it involves both the heart and the head. This has important practical implications. It means, for example, that you can be satisfied, and therefore happy, without necessarily experiencing much immediate pleasure. We all have to put up with occasional bouts of displeasure in order to achieve satisfaction, because most satisfying activities involve effort and some entail outright pain. Most of us would feel satisfied (and therefore happy) about, say, comforting a crying baby or a sick relative, even though the experience might not be particularly pleasant at the time. Our happiness would derive from a deeper sense of satisfaction at having done something good. Similarly, I am told that training hard for a competitive sport can be highly satisfying despite at times being painful.

The eminent American scientist Martin Seligman, who is one of the founders of positive psychology, has neatly encapsulated the three elements of happiness into what he calls the Pleasant Life and the Good Life. As its name implies, the Pleasant Life is one built primarily on pleasure and the absence of displeasure. This is the materialistic vision of hedonism, fuelled by lashings of raunchy sex, prolific shopping, exquisite food, recreational drugs, designer clothes, or whatever presses your button.

(#litres_trial_promo) The underlying attitude is characterised by an overriding concern for the self, a drive for immediate gratification of physical needs, and a belief that material possessions produce happiness. The outward sign of someone living the Pleasant Life is a big smile.

In contrast, Seligman’s Good Life is one built mainly upon satisfaction. Someone living the Good Life derives much of their happiness from engaging in worthwhile activities like work, parenting or study, and attaining goals that mean something to them. They may not always be grinning with joy, because they sometimes do things that are difficult or unpleasant, but they nonetheless feel good about the life they are living.

(#litres_trial_promo) If all is going really well, you could have a life that is both Pleasant and Good. A Good Life rich in satisfaction may also be a Pleasant Life. Someone who has a loving partner, close friends, an interesting job and a stimulating social life may have experiences that are both satisfying and pleasurable. There is no rule against having both.

More than pleasure (#ulink_48759d14-dcba-5401-ab40-a22662674a9d)

Equating happiness with pleasure has been a common error throughout history. Across the centuries, various sages, politicians and gurus have preached that the ultimate aim in life should be the pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.

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In eighteenth- and nineteenth-century Britain, for example, Jeremy Bentham and like-minded utilitarian philosophers championed a world view that made happiness synonymous with pleasure. Bentham, whose stuffed remains are still on display in University College, London, regarded pleasure as the ultimate arbiter of right and wrong, and argued that playing pub games was just as good as composing a symphony if it produced the same amount of pleasure. He famously asserted that ‘the greatest happiness of the greatest number’ should be the supreme criterion for morals and legislation. Bentham even tried to devise objective methods for measuring the greatest happiness of the greatest number using his ‘felicific calculus’, but the task was beyond him.

Twenty-first-century attitudes are not vastly different, in that many people are still inclined to focus on pleasure rather than satisfaction when thinking about happiness. This mindset, which evaluates happiness in terms of feelings rather than thoughts, lies at the heart of our consumerist ‘me’ culture, and it starts early in life. Young children readily discover the immediate fix that comes from a pleasurable experience like eating chocolate or watching TV. Satisfaction is more elusive, since it requires thinking, effort and a certain amount of patience. Children can all too easily develop a lifelong habit of relying on short-term pleasures rather than learning to attain satisfaction. As we shall see later, a child’s ability to resist the desire for instant gratification, in return for greater benefits at a later time, is a good predictor of subsequent happiness and success.

Now, there is certainly nothing wrong with pleasure: personally, I am in favour of having as much as I can get. One of the simplest and most reliable ways of making yourself feel better, at least for a while, is to do something you enjoy. For many people, listening to music is a reliable way of eliciting powerful sensations of pleasure and relaxation. Research using brain-scanning techniques has revealed that pleasurable responses to music are mediated by the same regions of the brain that respond to other pleasurable stimuli including sex, food and recreational drugs.

(#litres_trial_promo) Listening to music can also ease anxiety and induce a physiological relaxation response, which is why music therapy has been used successfully for many years to help patients suffering from painful medical conditions.