Starting Over

The strength of her feelings was making her shake.

‘I’m sorry to have bothered you. Of course, I should have realised that you’ve got far more important things to do than help me…. Without giving Jenny the chance to say anything to her Olivia stormed out of the kitchen, slamming the kitchen door behind her as she left.

Helplessly Jenny watched her, torn between going after her and responding to the increasingly voluble cries from upstairs. But Olivia was already opening her car door and getting in.

As she started her car Olivia was shaking with anger and distress. She had been relying on Jenny, not just for practical help but as someone she could unburden herself to … someone she could confide in, but Jenny didn’t have time to listen to her…. Her feelings were threatening to overwhelm her but she had to get the girls to school and then she had to go to work. What had she expected Jenny to do, anyway—throw her arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be all right?

A tear trickled down her face. Bitterly she brushed it away. Nothing had ever been all right in her life and nothing was ever going to be!

At the school, whilst the girls went up to join their friends, she went in search of the head teacher to ask if she could enrol them both for the after-school crèche.

It was almost nine o’clock and normally she was at her desk far earlier. The now all too familiar sensation of her own anxiety tensed the whole of her body.

‘Livvy, my dear …’

Jon frowned as Livvy turned away from him as she said curtly, ‘I’m sorry I’m so late. I had to drop the girls off at school.’

‘Good heavens, Livvy, I was expecting you wouldn’t come in at all today…. We’ve heard about Caspar … I’m so sorry.’

‘Why?’ she questioned sharply. ‘The marriage wasn’t working … it’s a mutual decision.’

Jon’s frown deepened. She looked far too thin, her face pinched and pale but it was her attitude that was giving him the most cause for concern. He had expected her to be upset. He knew how hard she strived for perfection in every aspect of her life, how sensitive she was; but this edginess, this angry aggression almost was so unlike what he knew of her and it disturbed him.

When Olivia walked into the office several minutes later the phone had already started to ring. Quickly she answered it. One of her clients was on the other end of the line wanting to make an urgent appointment. Tensely she reached for her diary.

Shaking his head Jon made his way to his own office. Normally the first thing he would have done right now would have been to ring Jenny so that he could discuss what had happened and the best way to help Livvy, but of course Jenny was at Queensmead and he didn’t want to add to her problems.

The look of haunted bitterness in Olivia’s eyes had shocked him, though. It was almost as though she thought he was her enemy. He was imagining it, he told himself firmly. Naturally she was not herself. How could she be? Her marriage had broken up compounding the distress she had already suffered with David’s return.

It was such a pity that she was so antagonistic towards her father. Jon could understand her point of view, of course, but things were different now. David was different and Jon knew how much he longed to make reparation to her. But he still could not shake off the feeling that Livvy had erected a barrier between them.

His phone rang just as his secretary brought in his post and morning coffee. ‘David!’ he exclaimed with genuine pleasure as he heard his twin’s voice on the other end of the line.

‘We’ve just heard about Maddy,’ David told him. Then he asked gravely, ‘How is she?’

‘We don’t know—as yet—but they’re going to keep her in for the time being. Jenny’s staying at Queensmead to look after the children and Ben.’

‘Well, that answers my next question. Honor wanted to know if there was anything she could do to help.’

‘Well perhaps a magic potion to keep Dad quiet might be a good idea,’ Jon suggested wryly.

There was a brief pause before David asked hesitantly, ‘And Livvy … she’s … she’s all right?’ David questioned him. Jon’s heart sank. He knew he couldn’t lie to him.

‘She’s … she’s going through a very difficult time and obviously it’s bound to be affecting her,’ was all he felt he could say.

It was lunch time before Jon saw Livvy again, their paths crossing in the reception area of the practice.

‘Oh, Livvy, I forgot to say this morning,’ Jon told her, ‘obviously you’re going to need to spend more time at home at the moment. I’ll have a word with the agency and see if Mark, our locum, can stay on for a few more weeks to give you a bit of breathing space. If you do have to see any clients you could schedule those appointments during school hours which will leave you free to arrive later in the morning and go home midafternoon …’

Olivia stiffened. It didn’t matter that what Jon was suggesting was exactly what she had known she would have to do. She sensed a cautious air about him. Did he doubt her ability to cope? Where had the old closeness between them gone?

‘That won’t be necessary,’ she told him sharply. ‘I’ve already made arrangements for the girls.’

It wasn’t entirely true of course, but with all the professional agencies that were in existence surely it wouldn’t take her too long to find the right person to look after them when she couldn’t be there.

‘The assizes are coming up,’ Jon reminded her gently, ‘and if any of your cases run over you could find yourself having to stay over in Chester….’

‘Chester is hardly the other end of the universe,’ Livvy snapped. Worriedly Jon watched her walk away. He hated seeing her like this, so prickly and defensive. She had been such a loving little girl. Shy and reluctant to put herself forward. That was Ben’s doing, of course, and her parents’. But once she had been coaxed out of her shell she had been a joy and Jenny, he knew, had a special place in her heart for her.

‘Livvy … how are you …?’

From the concern she could hear in Tullah’s voice, Olivia knew immediately that Tullah had heard about her separation from Caspar. Normally she would have been happy to see the other woman, but right now all she could think of was how lucky Tullah was to be married to a man like Saul who loved and supported and valued her. ‘I’m fine,’ Livvy responded dismissively and untruthfully, starting to turn away and then stopping as Tullah asked tentatively, ‘Have you spoken to Jenny today?’

‘Only briefly,’ Livvy responded, once again making to leave the practice’s reception area and head for her own office, but before she could do so Tullah was continuing anxiously, ‘Did she say anything about Maddy … or how long they’re going to keep her in hospital? Max must be going out of his mind….’ ‘Maddy’s in hospital?’ Olivia couldn’t keep the shock out of her voice, the work waiting for her on her desk forgotten.

‘Yes, she is. Didn’t you know?’ Tullah looked confused. ‘Oh, well, when she went to hospital for her normal check-up they told her that she would have to stay in because she’s suffering from pre-eclampsia,’ she started to explain. ‘Saul had to ring Max about something, that’s how we know. I tried to ring Jenny earlier but I couldn’t get through and I thought …’

Olivia wasn’t concentrating fully on what Tullah was saying. In her confusion, she was too busy dealing with the sickening sense of disbelief and guilt that was filling her. Jenny had been looking after her grandchildren because Maddy was in hospital seriously ill—and she had said … The burning sensation, a combination of guilt, shock and anxiety which had stormed her face before spreading to the backs of her eyes now ached emotionally in her throat, shocking her out of the black misery of her own despair.

‘I—I didn’t know,’ she acknowledged shakily. ‘What has the hospital said? How long …’

‘I don’t know any of the details,’ Tullah interrupted her as they shared eloquent looks, both of them united as women and as mothers in their shared feelings for Maddy herself as an individual, a friend and a relative whom they both loved.

‘I tried to catch Jon earlier before he left,’ Tullah confided, ‘But I missed him and I knew you would have seen Jenny….’ Her voice tailed away.

‘It was just a quick call … this morning … on my way here,’ Olivia responded uncomfortably.

She looked so shocked and anguished that Tullah felt guilty for having raised the subject.

During the afternoon when Olivia should have been concentrating on her work she was desperately wondering what she should do—what she could do to put things right. She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to go straight round to Queensmead and throw herself on Jenny’s mercy, to beg her for her forgiveness, her understanding. But what if Jenny refused to listen to her? What if she was so disgusted, so appalled by Olivia’s selfish behaviour that she refused to accept her apology and explanation and refused to have anything further to do with her? She would be perfectly within her rights to do so; Livvy knew that she had been unpardonably selfish and rude. Olivia’s face went grey-white with guilt as she recalled her own sharply accusing bitter words.

And what about Maddy? How must she be feeling? Olivia looked at the telephone on her desk.

Before she could change her mind she reached for it. Less than two minutes later she was through to the hospital.

‘We are unable to put you through to Mrs Madeleine Crighton,’ the anonymous voice on the other end of the line announced, enquiring politely, ‘Are you a close relative?’

‘No … not really,’ Olivia responded. ‘I’m her cousin by marriage … Is she …’ As her anxiety started to overwhelm her, her voice began to tremble.

‘She’s resting at the moment,’ she was told calmly. ‘But if you want us to pass a message to her …’

‘Just tell her that I’m thinking of her, please,’ Olivia responded having given her name.

Would it help Maddy to know that she was being thought about or would it only add to her distress and fear?

As she replaced the telephone receiver Olivia ached to be able to talk to Jenny. Taking a deep breath she quickly punched into the keypad Queensmead’s number.

‘Jenny is staying at Queensmead to look after the children,’ Tullah had said.