The Princess Rules

‘You could disguise yourself as a woodcutter,’ Florizella said helpfully, ‘and go away for seven years, walk all round other kingdoms and see if you meet your True Love.’

‘That’s a really rubbish idea,’ Prince Bennett said. ‘I’m not cutting wood for seven years.’

‘Or you could go and work as a swineherd in a royal palace and see if the princess chooses you?’

‘I’m not being a swineherd!’ Bennett exclaimed. ‘Do you have any idea what swine are?’

‘Then don’t marry anyone,’ Florizella said helpfully. ‘I wouldn’t.’

‘But I have to! All princes have to give balls and choose their princess and get married. Then they have to live happily ever after.’

Florizella frowned. ‘I know people say that’s a happy ending, but they never say exactly how to do it.’

Prince Bennett nodded. ‘Or how to do it forever after,’ he said dolefully. ‘That’s the whole problem with being a fairytale prince.’

Then the band played and poor Prince Bennett had to go and dance with another princess, and then another and another, until the clock struck midnight and all the princesses got up at once, rushed up the stairs and limped to their beds. There were one hundred and twenty glass slippers dumped on the stairs like a jumble sale. Bennett picked up sixty of them, and then gave up.

‘This is getting completely ridiculous,’ said Florizella.

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That night all the beautiful princesses set their alarm clocks for six in the morning to give themselves time to get up early and find their shoes, have their baths, wash their hair and put on new dresses for breakfast.

The next day, Prince Bennett was in the parlour waiting for them, and as each princess came in, he bowed very low and said, ‘Good morning!’

Each princess curtsied and smiled, and said, ‘Good morning, Prince Bennett!’

Then the tired prince said, ‘What would you like for breakfast?’

And each princess said, ‘I don’t know. What are you having?’

When Prince Bennett said he was having porridge, every one of the one hundred and twenty princesses gasped as if he had said something dreadful, and said, ‘Oh, no! Not for me! Just a glass of herbal tea, please! Nothing else!’

One or two of them even said, ‘Just a glass of hot water!’ and all the other princesses looked envious that they had not thought of that, and gazed at Prince Bennett to see if he was impressed.

So he was very glad to see Princess Florizella, who came in late because she had been out to the stables to see her horse. And he was very glad when she said at once that she would like bacon and eggs, and tomatoes and sausages too, if they had any. They had a most peaceful, hearty breakfast while, all around, the one hundred and twenty princesses sipped tea and looked beautiful but hungry.

After breakfast, Prince Bennett asked the princess on his right what she would like to do that day. And the princess on his right said, ‘I don’t know. What would you like to do?’

Then Prince Bennett asked the princess on his left what she would like to do that day. And she said, ‘I don’t know. What would you like to do?’

Then Princess Florizella suggested very helpfully, ‘Why don’t we all ride down to the Deep Lakes and go swimming? We could take a picnic with us.’

Well – some of the princesses couldn’t ride, and some of them couldn’t swim. Some of them hadn’t got trousers for riding, and some of them hadn’t got swimming costumes. Some of them were frightened of cold water, and some of them were frightened of horses, and none of them would dream of eating a picnic sitting on the ground where there might be ants or wasps.

‘Or grass!’ one of them exclaimed.

And they all said, ‘Grass stains! Oh no!’

So in the end, no one went … except Princess Florizella and Prince Bennett.

They had a lovely day.

When they were trotting back to the prince’s palace in the evening, just as the stars were starting to come out and the sky was getting grey, Prince Bennett said happily, ‘Florizella, I’ve had the most brilliant idea. I won’t marry any of the one hundred and twenty beautiful princesses. I’ll marry you!’

And then Florizella said something that surprised him so much that he nearly fell off his horse.

‘No, thank you,’ she said politely.

Prince Bennett gawped at her. ‘Why ever not?’ he asked. ‘I am a fairytale prince, remember. And you would be my queen.’

‘Look here,’ said Florizella reasonably, ‘I told you I wasn’t going to marry, and I meant it. One day I shall inherit the Seven Kingdoms, and there are a lot of things I want to do there. I don’t want to come and be your queen. I’m not even sure that I think kings and queens are a good idea. It might be a lot better for everyone if people made up their own laws and didn’t have one person ruling everything.

‘Why should I come and live in your palace when I’ve got a perfectly good palace of my own? I’m not even planning to keep that one all to myself – I’m going to share it. Another home would just be greedy.

‘And I don’t want to live in your country. I’ve got one of my own. I don’t need your fortune. I can earn my own money. I’d very much like it if you were my friend, though – my best friend, if you like. But I don’t want to marry you. I’m not actually intending to marry anyone.’

Prince Bennett rode along saying nothing for a little while. He was wondering if he really liked this new sort of princess. Certainly, she wasn’t like the normal ones in fairy tales. This was not how the Rules said it should be. Perhaps it was better for him to have a princess at his side who agreed with every single thing he said, however stupid? But then he smiled.

‘Florizella,’ he said, ‘I think I agree with you. I won’t choose a princess to marry, either. I shall tell my mother and father. And I should like to be best friends with you.’

So Princess Florizella and Prince Bennett shook hands and rode back side by side in the starlight.

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When Florizella got home, the king and queen were waiting for her at the door of the palace.

‘How did you get on?’ asked the queen.

‘Who did he choose for his bride?’ asked the king.

‘How many princesses were there at the ball?’ asked the queen.

‘Did he choose the princess of Three Rivers?’ the king asked.

Florizella laughed and jumped out of the carriage.

‘I had a lovely time,’ she said. ‘And he decided not to marry anybody just yet. There were one hundred and twenty princesses there as well as me, and I didn’t spot the princess of the Three Rivers, but the place was so awash with princesses that I didn’t even see the princess of the Two Mountains, who promised to meet me there.’

‘Not choosing a bride!’ said the king.

‘Not choosing a bride!’ said the queen.

Then they both fell on Florizella at once, demanding to know what on earth could have made him decide not to choose a princess at a princess-choosing ball. They were secretly afraid that Florizella had somehow put him off marriage.

So Florizella explained that Prince Bennett thought the nice princesses might have been just pretending to be nice and might be secretly rather awful to live with, and he hadn’t wanted to take the chance.

‘Did he ask no one at all, then?’ demanded the king. ‘Not one of them?’