Innocence

Maybe she’s a method actress. Method actresses take their work very seriously.

I catch her eye and smile.

She stares at me. And then, to my horror, her eyes begin to fill with tears.

Shit. If she thinks she’s a seagull, we’re in real trouble.

‘I love him. I love him and he doesn’t even know I’m alive!’ She buries her face in her hands.

Is she in character? Should I be improvising with her? I stand up. ‘I think I’d better unpack or…something…’

‘But I love him! I know he’s the one! I just know it!’

Robbie comes back in and hands her a teacup minus a handle. ‘He’s gay, Imo. Everyone knows it. Sorry. We’re out of mugs.’ She refills my drink from a tarnished silver gravy boat.

‘He’s not gay!’ Imo hisses. ‘Just English!’

‘He wears cashmere socks, thinks football is violent and lives with a man named Gavin. Who’s an organist,’ Robbie adds. ‘Face it. He’s gay. Of course, you don’t have to believe me but I did grow up in the Village and if I can’t spot a gay man then I must be blind.’

‘Who are we talking about?’

‘Imo’s scene partner, Lindsay Crufts. He’s very handsome, extremely well-spoken and a total ass jockey’

‘Robbie!’ Imo glares. “Ass jockey” is not a term I want to hear again to describe the love of my life!’

Robbie winks at her. ‘Golly but you’re cute when you’re angry!’

‘You know’—Imo shakes her head—‘for a girl who’s about to shag some loser by the name of Mr Chicken, you’ve got a lot of nerve!’

Robbie giggles. ‘You are so jealous!’

‘Yeah, right!’

I’m on the edge of this conversation, dying to join in. I raise my mug grandly. ‘And while you’re shagging Mr Chicken, I’ll be stuck shagging Mr Chicken’s mysterious friend!’

They both look at me and laugh.

I laugh too. But I don’t know why.

Imo pauses for breath. ‘You don’t have any idea of what shagging means, do you?’

‘Sure,’ I flounder. ‘It’s dating, right?’

‘Fucking,’ Robbie explains. ‘Shagging is English for fucking. Makes it sound like a carpet.’

I dismiss it like it’s old hat. ‘Yeah, I knew that. I just got…confused.’

They exchange a secret smile.

I’m not sure I like them. I hate the way they both know how to smoke and mix drinks and the bathroom’s disgusting…maybe I should find my own place.

There’s a knocking, or rather a pounding, at the front door. ‘Hello! Hello!’

‘Shit! It Mrs Van Patterson, the landlady. Have you met her?’

I shake my head.

‘She’s a total nightmare. Dutch. And tight as they come.’ Robbie prods Imo with her big toe. ‘You get it. She likes you.’

‘Does not!’ Imo pushes her foot away. ‘You go.’

‘She hates me! At least you look like a virgin.’

‘I am a virgin.’ Imo sighs. She puts down her teacup and pulls herself off the sofa. ‘Fine! Send the virgin. The virgin will do it!’ And she grumbles her way to the front door.

I lean across to Robbie. ‘Don’t you think she’s a little young to be drinking?’

Robbie shakes her head. ‘She’s nineteen. Not that you’d know it. Her father’s this big Hollywood agent. Bags of money. But her mother’s a total freak. Dresses her like a twelve-year-old, insists that she calls her every day. She’s a Born Again. Really into Jesus. It’s so sad, really’

‘But her name’s Stein. That’s Jewish, right?’

Robbie nods. ‘Ever heard of Jews for Jesus?’

I haven’t. But I’m tired of being the odd one out.

I give an all-purpose response. ‘Fuck!’

‘Exactly!’ she agrees.

We can hear the front door open and she signals to me to be quiet.

‘Hello, Mrs Van Patterson. How are you this afternoon?’

‘You girls are using too much hot water! The electricity bill is enormous! It’s outrageous how much water you use! The boiler is on a timer! You must not press the immersion button. Ever!’

‘But the hot water runs out every time we do the dishes. Or if one person has a shower.’

‘Really! I’ve never seen anything like it! What are you doing? Bathing every day?’

‘It’s been known to happen.’

‘Listen, don’t you get smart with me! Twice a week is more than enough.’

‘Where I come from, it’s completely normal to bathe every day’

‘Where you come from, people are spoilt! Americans think the world is made of money! You girls don’t know how lucky you are! Gloucester Place is one of the finest addresses in London. Have you ever played Monopoly?’

‘Yes, Mrs Van Patterson, I have.’