No Wife Required!

“George? I thought you were out for the count. Did you miss me?”

George cocked his head to the side engagingly.

“Did I tell you we’re leaving on our trip to Idaho Falls day after tomorrow? Just you and me and the wide open spaces. We’ll sleep along the way and do whatever we feel like. Of course, you have to remember I have work to do. We can’t fool around all the time.”

She studied him while he displayed a splendid set of yellow teeth. Lorraine had been training him to be an aide to an other-abled person. George had the capacity to do a variety of tedious tasks a human would never tolerate.

“So you want to play now, do you?” She chuckled as he jumped down and came over to the side of the tub, tentatively stirring his hand in the water. “Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait. And don’t look at me like that with those sorrowful brown eyes. I want to relax for a while first. Then it will be your turn.”

George scurried out of the bathroom and came back with his red ball. He threw it in the water.

“That was naughty,” she said with mock severity. “Now you can’t have it until tomorrow morning. Sulk all you want, but it won’t do you any good.” She laughed as he covered his eyes with his hands in exaggerated fashion. He was such an endearing little ham. Obedient, too. He didn’t make another attempt to get the ball.

“You know—you’re not as hairy as I’d imagined. I wonder what it is about you that Lorraine can’t tolerate? How sad if she really is allergic to you. Thank goodness you and I took to each other without any problem.

“I’ve loved having you around, even if you’re too curious for your own good. In ways I would like to keep you, but even if that were possible, someone else needs you desperately, and you’re far too expensive.” The responsibility of caring for a fifty-thousand-dollar monkey had been weighing on her from the outset.

Lacey patted his silky head as she got out of the tub and hitched a towel around her. “You miss Lorraine, don’t you? But you like living with me a little bit, right?” He looked at the water wistfully, then back at her.

“I know what you want. All right. Go ahead.”

George leaped into the tub, rolling his ball over and over again, jumping up and down, splashing water.

“Careful, George. You’re getting me wet again. Let’s keep everything to the confines of the tub. You’re too excited. Now calm down. You act like this is the first time. You know the rules.”

Lacey couldn’t keep a straight face. Laughter spilled out of her, which only incited him to more antics. He beat on his chest.

“You’re too much, do you know that? Come on. Play time is over. You’ve worn me out. Let’s go to bed and sleep till noon. Then we have to clean because Brad’s boss from Denver will be flying in to Salt Lake some time tomorrow afternoon on his way to Tokyo. You’ll have to stay in the storeroom out of sight. I’ll bring you a pillow and your blanket. After he’s in bed, I’ll come out to see you.”

As she leaned over to let the water out of the tub, she could’ve sworn she heard the clank of metal followed by a low groan. It had to have come from the bathroom next door. George looked at the wall, then at her. He’d heard the noise, too.

“Uh-oh,” she whispered. “I think my neighbor is trying to tell us something. We’d better not play in the middle of the night anymore or we might be evicted.”

Lacey fell into bed exhausted, but Saturday turned out to be even more tiring. George made house cleaning an unforgettable experience. He followed her around and found the vacuum an unending source of delight.

Lorraine had assured her he was capable of vacuuming, it was part of his training. Though he might not be as thorough as a human, he knew to cover the open areas of the floor.

Lacey decided to let him do the carpet in the master bedroom while she finished the dusting and polishing in the living room. With the plants watered, all she had to do was make up the guest bedroom with clean sheets and scour the bathroom.

Not wanting to miss any of the noon news, she carried her radio to the bathroom and plugged it in while she attacked the tub. As soon as George heard the radio, he turned off the vacuum and scuttled into the bathroom to admire himself in the mirror, which covered one whole wall.

It was a good thing she hadn’t cleaned the glass yet. Lacey grinned as she watched him kiss the mirror with his mobile lips. She figured he was a normal monkey and missed the companionship of a mate.

It was anyone’s guess if his face made him attractive to the female of the species, but she thought him a terrific specimen. Apparently he did, too. He leaned on the knuckles of his hands and scrutinized himself from head to toe.

Lacey got up from her knees and turned off the radio. In her opinion, the Saturday real estate news show had to be the most boring segment of Radio Talk. At least if Max Jarvis had been hosting it, she could have enjoyed his voice.

She eyed George affectionately. “Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who’s the handsomest of all?” George bared his teeth in a huge grin now that he had her full attention.

“You know you’re gorgeous, don’t you? But there’s no need to overdo it. I’m already in love with you, you big ape. Now run along while I finish cleaning. With you in here, I can’t get my work done. You’re far and away the most entertaining and loving rascal I’ve ever known.”

He loped out of the bathroom. A few minutes later she could hear “Mr. Ed,” the talking horse, on cable TV. With that much respite she was able to finish the work before getting ready to go pick up Brad’s boss at the airport.

The more she thought about it, the more she was determined to keep George a secret from him. If Brad ever found out, he’d have a fit. He’d chosen this condo because of the ‘no pets’ rule. His fastidious nature couldn’t tolerate animal hair. And Valerie would start giving Lacey more pep talks about finding another man to love instead of a monkey.

Lacey wasn’t against the idea exactly. It was just that she’d never met a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She worked with lots of men in her job as a CPA. That’s how she’d met Perry, the liar. Since there was no way she’d get herself into that kind of situation again, she hadn’t been looking for anyone new.

Valerie despaired of Lacey’s paranoia where dishonest men were concerned, but then Valerie was happily married and didn’t realize that there weren’t a lot of desirable, available, unattached males in the world who told the whole truth.

While Lacey fixed lunch, she heard a car.start up in the other carport. Good. Her neighbor had finally gone out. Valerie had mentioned that a man had recently moved in next door, but Lacey had never seen him. He kept strange hours, but at least he was gone and hadn’t complained about the noise last night. “Come on, George. Let’s make a dash for it.”

She left her half-made tuna sandwich on the counter and grasped the monkey’s hand. With her other hand she grabbed everything else she’d need and headed for the carport, which backed onto an access road bordering the complex. A high fence ran alongside the road, affording privacy.

So far, no one knew she was keeping George on the premises. She intended to keep his presence a secret until Lorraine came for him.

The storage shed ran along half of the carport wall. She undid the heavy padlock and ushered George inside, pulling the cord that turned on the light. “See what I have for you.” She handed him his pillow and blanket and watched as he made a little bed for himself at one end of the pad.

With that accomplished, he examined the contents of the sack she’d put by the door. Out came his red ball, a hoop the size of a dinner plate, and a handmade seesaw which moved up and down slowly when he placed a marble in the holder.

While he busied himself with his toys, she ran back to the condo and brought out a small, portable TV, which she set up on one of the boxes, hooking up a long extension cord that ran under the door to an outlet in the carport. The television would keep him company if he got lonesome. In his dishes she put water, lettuce, apples, and sunflower seeds. Enough to hold him through the day and night.

“Be a good boy. I’ll come in and say good-night before I go to bed. Remember. No hooting or screaming.”

She made the sign Lorraine had taught her. George understood her hand gestures and ambled over to hug her legs. “Lacey loves you, too, George. This is only for tonight. An emergency. And because you’re being so good, I have a present for you. Reach in here.”

She patted the hip pocket of her jeans. George carefully felt for his surprise. He made low hooting sounds when he discovered a strip of beef jerky. He loved to suck on it like a lollipop, and rolled his eyes in ecstasy.

With his attention focused on food, Lacey slipped out of the storeroom and padlocked the door. She felt as guilty as if she’d abandoned a child, but she had to pick up Brad’s boss.

To make doubly sure of keeping George’s presence a secret, she would park out front for the night Brad’s boss wouldn’t have a clue. As it turned out, he was a quiet, self-effacing person in his sixties who just happened to be the vice president of the electronics firm Brad worked for.

He’d put up Brad many times when her brother-in-law had meetings in Denver. Under the circumstances, taking him to the Utah Jazz basketball game turned out to be a stroke of genius. John Stockton and Karl Malone, two Olympic basketball players from Utah, had been at their best. If taking Brad’s boss to the game helped her brother-in-law up the corporate ladder, so much the better.

She had been wise to keep George out of sight, but the poor thing must’ve thought she had gone for good. As soon as her guest left the next morning in a taxi, Lacey jumped out of bed, threw on a robe over her nightgown and hurried out to the carport. No telling how long the monkey had been awake. She could hear the TV. It sounded like the Salt Lake Tabernacle Choir.

George grabbed her around the legs when she opened the door. “I’ve missed you, too.” She patted his head before poking hers outside the door to see if the coast was clear.

Her neighbor’s blue Saab was now parked in the other carport, but she’d seen no sign of life. “Come on, George. We need to make another run for it.”

He required no urging and reached the kitchen before she did. Once his breakfast was prepared, she returned to the storeroom and cleaned up. With the TV in one arm, his sack of toys and dishes in the other, she somehow managed to lock the door and make it back inside the condo without being observed.

While George watched TV, she left for church, slipping out the front door carrying a sack of smiley faces for the children in her Sunday school class. They loved wearing them on their foreheads if they’d been good.

No sooner had she returned from church than the man from the car rental appeared at her front door. Because of the situation with George, her client had rented her a motor home so that she and George could use it in place of a hotel room while she was in Idaho.

She parked her own car in the carport, then wrapped George in a blanket and carried him out to the motor home as if he were her baby. She couldn’t take chances on anyone from the condo seeing him. Once their bags were on board, she drove the man back to the rental agency, then she and George were on their own.

Lacey loved driving the motor home. Because she was on the shorter side, she’d always wondered what it would feel like to sit in a semitrailer and figured it would be like this. King of the road.