The Story of the Gadsbys

CAPT. G. My poor little love! Why, you’re shaking all over. I am so sorry. Of course I never meant to upset you Don’t tell me anything, I’m a brute.

MRS. G. No, you aren’t, and I will tell – There was a man.

CAPT. G. (Lightly.) Was there? Lucky man!

MRS. G. (In a whisper.) And I thought I cared for him.

CAPT. G. Still luckier man! Well?

MRS. G. And I thought I cared for him – and I didn’t – and then you came – and I cared for you very, very much indeed. That’s all. (Face hidden.) You aren’t angry, are you?

CAPT. G. Angry? Not in the least. (Aside.) Good Lord, what have I done to deserve this angel?

MRS. G. (Aside.) And he never asked for the name! How funny men are! But perhaps it’s as well.

CAPT. G. That man will go to heaven because you once thought you cared for him. ‘Wonder if you’ll ever drag me up there?

MRS. G. (Firmly.) ‘Sha’n’t go if you don’t.

CAPT. G. Thanks. I say, Pussy, I don’t know much about your religious beliefs. You were brought up to believe in a heaven and all that, weren’t you?

MRS. G. Yes. But it was a pincushion heaven, with hymn-books in all the pews.

CAPT. G. (Wagging his head with intense conviction.) Never mind. There is a pukka heaven.

MRS. G. Where do you bring that message from, my prophet?

CAPT. G. Here! Because we care for each other. So it’s all right.

Mrs. G. (As a troop of langurs crash through the branches.) So it’s all right. But Darwin says that we came from those!

CAPT. G. (Placidly.) Ah! Darwin was never in love with an angel. That settles it. Sstt, you brutes! Monkeys, indeed! You shouldn’t read those books.

MRS. G. (Folding her hands.) If it pleases my Lord the King to issue proclamation.

CAPT. G. Don’t, dear one. There are no orders between us. Only I’d rather you didn’t. They lead to nothing, and bother people’s heads.

MRS. G. Like your first engagement.

CAPT. G. (With an immense calm.) That was a necessary evil and led to you. Are you nothing?

MRS. G. Not so very much, am I?

CAPT. G. All this world and the next to me.

MRS. G. (Very softly.) My boy of boys! Shall I tell you something?

CAPT. G. Yes, if it’s not dreadful – about other men.

MRS. G. It’s about my own bad little self.

CAPT. G. Then it must be good. Go on, dear.

MRS. G. (Slowly.) I don’t know why I’m telling you, Pip; but if ever you marry again-(Interlude.) Take your hand from my mouth or I’ll bite! In the future, then remember – I don’t know quite how to put it!

CAPT. G. (Snorting indignantly.) Don’t try. “Marry again,” indeed!

MRS. G. I must. Listen, my husband. Never, never, never tell your wife anything that you do not wish her to remember and think over all her life. Because a woman – yes, I am a woman – can’t forget.

CAPT. G. By Jove, how do you know that?

MRS. G. (Confusedly.) I don’t. I’m only guessing. I am – I was – a silly little girl; but I feel that I know so much, oh, so very much more than you, dearest. To begin with, I’m your wife.

CAPT. G. So I have been led to believe.

MRS. G. And I shall want to know every one of your secrets – to share everything you know with you. (Stares round desperately.)

CAPT. G. So you shall, dear, so you shall – but don’t look like that.

MRS. G. For your own sake don’t stop me, Phil. I shall never talk to you in this way again. You must not tell me! At least, not now. Later on, when I’m an old matron it won’t matter, but if you love me, be very good to me now; for this part of my life I shall never forget! Have I made you understand?

CAPT. G. I think so, child. Have I said anything yet that you disapprove of?

MRS. G. Will you be very angry? That – that voice, and what you said about the engagement —

CAPT. G. But you asked to be told that, darling.

MRS. G. And that’s why you shouldn’t have told me! You must be the Judge, and, oh, Pip, dearly as I love you, I shan’t be able to help you! I shall hinder you, and you must judge in spite of me!

CAPT. G. (Meditatively.) We have a great many things to find out together, God help us both – say so, Pussy – but we shall understand each other better every day; and I think I’m beginning to see now. How in the world did you come to know just the importance of giving me just that lead?

MRS. G. I’ve told you that I don’t know. Only somehow it seemed that, in all this new life, I was being guided for your sake as well as my own.

CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then Mafilin was right! They know, and we – we’re blind all of us. (Lightly.) ‘Getting a little beyond our depth, dear, aren’t we? I’ll remember, and, if I fail, let me be punished as I deserve.

MRS. G. There shall be no punishment. We’ll start into life together from here – you and I – and no one else.

CAPT. G. And no one else. (A pause.) Your eyelashes are all wet, Sweet? Was there ever such a quaint little Absurdity?

MRS. G. Was there ever such nonsense talked before?

CAPT. G. (Knocking the ashes out of his pipe.) ‘Tisn’t what we say, it’s what we don’t say, that helps. And it’s all the profoundest philosophy. But no one would understand – even if it were put into a book.

MRS. G. The idea! No – only we ourselves, or people like ourselves – if there are any people like us.

CAPT. G. (Magisterially.) All people, not like ourselves, are blind idiots.

MRS. G. (Wiping her eyes.) Do you think, then, that there are any people as happy as we are?