The Roar of the Butterflies

‘He still hasn’t shown up then?’

‘No, he hasna, and it means the rest of us are working like blacks to keep the course in nick.’

Porphyry shook his head doubtfully. Maybe, thought Joe, he’s going to tell the guy that anyone who talks like he does should go easy on the racism. But all the YFG said was, ‘It’s really Mr Rowe you should be talking to, Davie. He’s chairman of the Greens Committee.’

‘Aye, I know and I’ve tried that, but he says that when it came up, you said let’s wait a wee while longer to see if Steve shows up.’

‘Did I? Yes, I believe I did. I mean, it’s only been…how long?’

‘A week.’

‘There you are then. Hardly any time. I know this job means a lot to Steve, and you yourself say he’s been a good worker. Probably something’s come up that he had to sort out, and he’ll show up again any time now. I’d just hate for him to come back and find his job had gone.’

‘It’s a credit to your hairt, Mr Porphyry,’ said Davie with only a small amount of discernible irony. ‘But I called round at his digs last night and there’s been no sign of him or word from him since last week. Landlady says he owes a month’s back rent. I reckon he’s done a runner and we won’t be seeing hide nor hair of him this side of Christmas. We need another pair of hands now, else things will start slipping.’

‘All right, Davie. I understand. I’ll have a word with Mr Rowe.’

The man got back in his buggy and drove on.

‘Head greenkeeper,’ said Porphyry. ‘Bit rough-edged, but the salt of the earth.’

Which was a good thing to have with a baked potato, thought Joe.

‘Davie what?’ he asked.

‘Well, Davie actually. David Davie. Never sure whether it’s his first or second name I’m using. Still, doesn’t seem to trouble him.’

‘And is he any part of your trouble?’ asked Joe, keen to get down to cases.

‘On no. Not at all. Definitely not.’

As if provoked by the question, Porphyry now strode forward at a pace which in Joe’s case came close to a trot. It was very hot and though there were plenty of trees to their right, unfortunately the sun was in the wrong quarter of the sky to afford them any shade.

Suddenly Porphyry came to a halt.

‘Stand still, Joe,’ he commanded.

Though only too pleased to obey, Joe’s natural curiosity still made him gasp, ‘What for?’

‘Chaps on the tee. Best be careful.’

Joe followed the YFG’s gaze back down the fairway. Some figures had appeared at a distance so great he had to screw up his eyes to work out there were four of them.

‘You think those guys could reach us here?’ he asked doubtingly.

‘Probably not, but what I meant was, we don’t want to disturb their concentration by movement. And best keep your voice down too.’

‘My voice? You’re joking, yeah? I’d need a bullhorn before they could hear me!’

Porphyry smiled and said, or rather whispered, ‘Normally, yes, Joe. But golf sensitizes the hearing remarkably. You know the great Wodehouse, of course?’

‘Woodhouse? Played for the Posh and Grimsby then went into the fight game?’ hazarded Joe.

‘Don’t recollect that, though he was a man of great and varied talent. In particular he loved his golf and of course he wrote some of the funniest books in the language. In one of them he talks about a golfer so sensitive, he could be put off his stroke by the roaring of butterflies in the adjacent meadow.’

The YFG chuckled as he spoke, but more as if appreciating a point well made than simply laughing at a bit of daftness. Joe was getting the impression that, apart from being stellar rich, you also needed a sense of humour from outer space to qualify for the Hoo. What was it the Bermuda Triangle had found so funny? Oh yes, the notion of him giving them something called gotchas.

Reckoning he wasn’t going to get much further with roaring butterflies, he asked, ‘What’s a gotcha?’

‘In golf, you mean?’

‘Yeah. In golf.’

‘Well, it has no official standing, you understand? Though I have known occasions when some of the chaps have had a couple too many before a game and have actually put it into practice.’

Did this guy know how to give a straight answer?

‘But what is it?’ demanded Joe.

‘It means if, say, you agreed to have three gotchas each at the start of the game, on three occasions as your opponent was playing his shot you would be entitled to reach between his legs from behind, seize his testicles and cry Gotcha! I think we can move on now, Joe.’

It seemed a good idea, and the further the better.

Not that any of the golfers’ drives had come within fifty yards of them, but that didn’t make Joe feel any safer. OK, in his game of choice, football, you could get a smack in the goolies, but if the ref noticed, then it was a red-card job for the offender. But here in crazy Hoo-land, they built it into the rules!

It was time for some straight talking. The two hundred in his back pocket no longer seemed an issue. In fact it felt earned out already.

He put on a sprint and caught up with the YFG.

‘Mr Porphyry…’ he gasped.

‘Chris.’

Joe took a deep breath. It felt like it might be his last but he wanted to be sure he got out everything he wanted to say in a form which even a Young Fair God could not misunderstand.

‘Chris. In case you haven’t noticed, Chris, it’s so hot that I’d jump in a pond full of alligators if one happened to be handy. I’m out of breath, and there’s a bunch of guys behind us drilling little white balls through the air at a hundred miles an hour. And even if they ain’t disturbed by the rumpus all them butterflies is kicking up, I guess any control over direction they’ve got won’t hold up much if someone grabs their family jewels just as they’re making their shot. So unless what you want to hire me for is to guess what you want to hire me for, I’d appreciate it if you could get to the point and tell me just what it is you want to hire me for!’

That made things clear, he reckoned. In fact, he doubted if he could have made things clearer without adding semaphore.

‘Point taken, Joe,’ said Porphyry. ‘I’m sorry. I suppose there are some things a chap just doesn’t like to talk about.’

This took what little remained of Joe’s breath away. The guy really didn’t want to tell him what he wanted to hire him for!

He said, ‘Look, I’ve worked on all kinds of cases, stuff you wouldn’t imagine. And, long as it don’t involve interfering with kids or farm animals, I’m cool, OK?’

‘Yes, I see. Well, it’s nothing like that, thank God, but it’s bad. Really bad.’ He took a deep breath and blurted out, ‘The thing is, I’ve been accused of cheating.’

‘Cheating?’ echoed Joe. ‘You mean like cheating on Miss Emerson, your fiancée?’