Born Guilty

An hour’s hard questioning had reduced even Chivers’s hoped for options.

‘Whatever happens, we’ll do you for carrying an offensive weapon,’ he assured Joe.

‘Defensive,’ said Joe.

‘Offensive,’ said Chivers grimly. ‘That’s what I reckon you are, Sixsmith. And that’s what I reckon anything to do with you is.’

The door opened. Willie Woodbine’s head appeared. He said, ‘Sergeant, a word.’

Chivers noted the suspension of the interview and the time on the tape and switched it off. Then he followed Woodbine out into the corridor.

The door which looked like it had been used as an interrogation aid in the unreconstructed past didn’t fit properly and eased back open an inch. This was enough to permit Joe and PC Sandy to overhear what was being said.

‘What the chuff’s going on in there?’ demanded Woodbine.

Chivers explained, or tried to.

Woodbine interrupted, ‘This nurse who was flashed at tonight, the one who screamed, you’ve talked to her, I presume?’

‘Yes, of course …’

‘And did she say it was a black man or a white man who did the flashing?’

‘Well, it was pretty gloomy …’

‘Come on, Sergeant, she’s a nurse. First thing they learn is to tell the difference between a black dick and a white dick. Which did she say it was?’

‘White, she thought, but …’

‘And this nurse Sixsmith claims he was escorting to the wards, she confirms his story?’

‘Yes, but she’s his fancy woman, isn’t she? Say anything to get him off the hook …’

‘That’s right. And do anything too, you’d say? Well, I’ll tell you what she’s done, Sergeant. She’s rung that bitch Butcher, and that bitch Butcher’s rung me and demanded to know if we’re holding her client Joseph Sixsmith, and has he been arrested, and on what charge? And she says this isn’t the first time her client has been harassed by my officers and this time she’s going to see he sues the arse off us. And she’s on her way now, Sergeant, and what am I going to tell her?’

‘Well, there’s always the offensive weapon, sir …’

‘Offensive weapon? That’s Joe Sixsmith you’ve got in there. You may not like the man, and maybe you ought to ask yourself why you don’t like him, but please reassure me, you’re not so far gone you don’t know he’s not violent! Offensive weapon? If you gave him a sub-machine gun, he’d probably try to get Radio 2 on it! No, you want violence, you ought to listen to that bitch Butcher! Get out of my way!’

The door swung fully open. Joe and Sandy who’d been sitting looking at each other expressionlessly turned their heads to see Woodbine smiling down at them.

‘Joe, how’ve you been? It’s good of you to help us out like this again. Sorry we had to put you in here while I was on my way, but I don’t leave Chivers the key to the executive washroom, you with me? Come on upstairs now. Sergeant, rustle us up some coffee, will you? And I daresay I can find a drop of the Caledonian Cream to keep the cold out.’

Two minutes later Joe found himself in a deep armchair in Woodbine’s office. Here the oak panelling shone with a deep sheen, the broad windows were covered with rich brocaded curtains, and the paintwork was as smooth and perfect as a model’s make-up.

‘Now, take me through it again,’ said Woodbine, putting on an expression of fascinated interest.

‘Er, through what, exactly?’ said Joe.

‘Through your very brave attempt to apprehend this weirdo who’s been terrorizing those poor nurses,’ said Woodbine.

So Joe took him through it again. When he reached the point of his arrest, the superintendent sucked in his breath and said, ‘Silly lad. But he’s young, Joe. And Scottish. You’ve got to make allowances. I’ll see he apologizes. Some more Scotch? No? So how’s life treating you, Joe? Anything I can help with, you’ve only got to ask.’

Well, you could tell me about your wife’s sex life, thought Joe. No, perhaps not. His eye ran over Woodbine’s untidy desk. There was a file open on it, and some photographs.

Joe said, ‘That boy in the box at St Monkey’s. Anything on him yet?’

‘What’s your interest?’ said Woodbine sharply.

‘Well, I found him, didn’t I?’ said Joe defensively.

The smile which had vanished from Woodbine’s face returned and he said, ‘So you did. Can’t stop running into trouble, can you, Joe?’

‘Thought I wasn’t in trouble,’ said Joe.

‘Of course you’re not. As for the boy, can’t tell you anything, sorry. Not my department really, not unless it turned out to be murder, which I doubt.’

As he spoke, he swept the papers on his desk together and closed the file.

And Joe, though he couldn’t be absolutely sure upside down, wondered why, if it wasn’t Woodbine’s department, the super happened to have what looked very much like a photo of the dead boy’s face in front of him?

There was a tap at the door and Chivers’s head appeared.

‘Miss Butcher to see you, sir,’ he said.

Butcher was only five-two and built like a Third World waif, but she came in like the Queen’s Champion at a trial by combat.

‘You OK, Joe?’ she asked. ‘Superintendent, I’d like a word alone with my client.’

‘By all means,’ said Woodbine. ‘We’re finished here anyway. Thanks again for your help, Joe. By the way, I’m having a little do Sunday lunchtime to celebrate my promotion, say thanks to everyone who’s helped and encouraged me. It wouldn’t be complete without you. Do try to make it, midday, very informal, bubbles and a bit of a buffet is what my good lady’s got in mind. Do try to come.’

He put his arm across Joe’s shoulders and urged him gently to the door.

‘Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Superintendent …’

‘Make it Willie on Sunday, eh?’ breathed Woodbine in his ear. ‘Keep the formality for in front of the troops!’

‘Yeah sure,’ said Joe. ‘Willie on Sunday it is. Goodbye now.’

As they walked down the ornate Victorian staircase, he said, ‘Hey, thanks for coming.’

‘Don’t know why I bother; Woodbine’s obviously got you all dusted down and gift wrapped. So fill me in. Just what happened to put you into bed with that smarmy fascist?’

‘He’s OK, really,’ said Joe. He described the evening’s events which Butcher listened to with much shaking of her head.

‘Sixsmith,’ she said, ‘you’ve got such a talent for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I bet you were born in a different hospital from the one they took your mother to.’

This was a touch too subtle for Joe so he let it go.