Not pregnant yet? You bet!

– What will happen if you stop visiting him and get down to your own business?

– In this case he comes to the firm I work for and sits in the hall until I come out. I’m ashamed of him for doing this, and I’m mad at him.

– Here is a chair. Imagine your father sits on it and tell him these words.

– I can’t tell him!

– Start with these very words: “I can’t tell you….”

Nastya gathers her strength, looks at the chair imagining her father and says agitated:

– I can’t tell you that I’m ashamed of you, because you are my father and I feel pity for you…

– You are crying. What is going on with you?

– What do I do? I’m desperate… Should I live with him all my life?

– Tell this to your father?

– Father, I’m desperate! I’m thirty, I want to have kids, I want to live my own life with my husband. I can’t be your nurse, I have my own life! I can’t give you so much of my time…

– What would he answer to these words? Sit on his chair and listen to yourself.

Nastay sits on the other chair, putting on the role of her father and answers:

– You are right. I feel awkward for using you like this. But I have nothing else in my life… I drink, I missed out on my own family. I don’t know what i live for, I wish God took me…

– Sit on your own chair, be Nastya again. What do you feel when you hear these words from your father? Tell him.

– I feel so much pity for you! I will do anything to make you feel good!

– Do you see now how strongly the metaphor of pot and rice reminds of your relationships with your father?

– So what do I do?

– I have already asked you what you did when the rice burns and sticks to the pot. You said you needed to soften it and it will go away. Now I see that you have softened, you heard your father’s feelings and you feel pity for him. Now it’s time to go away.

– How?

– I don’t know. It’s your life, you are the one to change it if it doesn’t suit you.

– Of course, it doesn’t suit me.

– Change it. What would you like to change?

– I would like to visit my father form time to time, when he really needs help.

– How much time are you ready to dedicate to your father?

– Actually – visit him once a week.

– Tell him about it.

– Father, I will meet with you once a week. The rest of the time it’s my life.

– Change places with your father and answer.

– Then I will die.

– What will you answer to this?

– I’m scared, but I’m outraged that you use such unfair methods. I love you and I want you to live.

– How can you make him live longer?

– I can’t! Should I watch him all the time? I guess I should stick to him again like rice to the pot. I’m tired of this!

– Want would you like to do?

Suddenly, Nastya changes, from a little scared girl she turns into a woman of her own age and says calmly.

– Father, I’m sorry to hear that you do not want to live, but I’m powerless to do anything with it. I can only live my own life, not yours. You can threaten me, but this doesn’t work with me anymore.

– Answer something form the role of your father.

– Yes, I believe you.

– What would you like to answer.

– I would like to finish. I have understood what my symptom was about.

“Rice on the inside of a pot”: commentary

It’s Monday! Hello diet, exercise, zen buddism and perfectionism. Hello for the two hundred and thirty third time.

    Internet meme

Usually, the metaphor the symptom is described with mirrors the relationships between client and some significant person in his life. This client “stuck” to her father as her egg sticks to the inside of ovaries’ or rice to the inside of a pot. It happens if the pot left on the stove for too long, until the water boils out. In this case it symbolized that the daughter did not separate from her father at due time.

Nastya’s story is a typical story of a codependent woman, as well as the two stories before. And shame is typical for codependent wives, mistresses, daughters in their relationships with dependent husbands, lovers, fathers. Practically all their energy goes to creating an image of well-being in the eyes of others. As you remember, Nastya refused to work in a group, because she saw it as treachery. She was taught not to wash her dirty laundry in public!

Children of alcoholics are a topic of a whole other book. I do recommend to the readers with a similar childhood story to read R. Norwood[20 - Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much.], E. McAvoy and S. Israelson[21 - Elizabeth Mcavoy and Susan Israelson, The Marilyn Syndrome.] and others. The process of healing in this case is the process of finding oneself, and the books mentioned above extensively instruct one on how to do that. It is worth mentioning that it is hard, but necessary for the women to know the truth: in their case healing is not a single session, it’s their life’s job. Their goal is not to make the pain go away, but to learn how to live with it – this is what healing means for them.

I would still like to share an interesting observation. I worked with Nastya nearly ten years ago, when the internet just began to enter our lives. All these years the protocol of her session was in my computer. When I began writing the commentary for her session, I googled my client’s diagnosis and read the following: “Polycystic ovaries is a rare medical condition, according to different sources of information, from 4 to 8 per cent of women have it, beginning form adolescent years). However, it is serious as it causes infertility. The ultrasound scan shows that a woman’s ovary looks as if it is ‘stuffed’ with many bubbles 8—10mm in diameter, filled with fluid. Polycystic ovaries is caused by hyperandrogenia – excessive male hormones (androgens)production. The main task of treatment is to limit the excess of androgens”.

I was amused by this metaphor – it’s funny how our subconscious chooses a symptom to convey its message! In the course of Nastya’s session we did find out that her job was to separate psychologically from her father (“limit the excess of male hormones”).

A little bit later I found out that Nastya got pregnant and had baby.