The Backwoodsmen

“O’ course, that’s puttin’ it a leetle too strong, Mr. Barron,” she answered, much mollified. “But I do reckon as how I’ve got some horse sense. Well, I thought as how them ’ere hens might ’ave stopped layin’ on the suddint; so I up an’ watched ’em. Land’s sakes, but they was alayin’ fine. Whenever I kin take time to stan’ right by an’ watch ’em lay, I git all the aigs I know what to do with. But when I don’t watch ’em, clost– nary an aig. Ye ain’t agoin’ to persuade me a hen kin jest quit layin’ when she’s a mind ter, waitin’ tell ye pass her the compliment o’ holdin’ out yer hand fer the aig!”

“There’s lots o’ hens that pervarted they’ll turn round an’ eat their own aigs!” suggested the woodsman, spitting thoughtfully through the open window. The cat, coiled in the sun on a log outside, sprang up angrily, glared with green eyes at the offending window, and scurried away to cleanse her defiled coat.

“Them’s not my poultry!” said Mrs. Gammit with decision. “I thought o’ that, too. An’ I watched ’em on the sly. But they hain’t a one of ’em got no sech onnateral tricks. When they’re through layin’, they jest hop off an’ run away acacklin’, as they should.” And she shook her head heavily, as one almost despairing of enlightenment. “No, ef ye ain’t got no more idees to suggest than that, I might as well be goin’.”

“Oh, I was jest kinder clearin’ out the underbrush, so’s to git a square good look at the situation,” explained Barron. “Now, I kin till ye somethin’ about it. Firstly, it’s a weasel, bein’ so sly, an’ quick, an’ audashus! Ten to one, it’s a weasel; an’ ye’ve got to trap it. Secondly, if ’tain’t a weasel, it’s a fox, an’ a mighty cute fox, as ye’re goin’ to have some trouble in aketchin’. An’ thirdly–an’ lastly–if ’tain’t neither weasel nor fox, it’s jest bound to be an extra cunnin’ skunk, what’s takin’ the trouble to be keerful. Generally speakin’, skunks ain’t keerful, because they don’t have to be, nobody wantin’ much to fool with ’em. But onc’t in a while ye’ll come across’t one that’s as sly as a weasel.”

“Oh, ’tain’t none o’ them!” said Mrs. Gammit, in a tone which conveyed a poor opinion of her host’s sagacity and woodcraft. “I’ve suspicioned the weasels, an’ the foxes, an’ the woodchucks, but hain’t found a sign o’ any one of ’em round the place. An’ as fer skunks– well, I reckon, I’ve got a nose on my face.” And to emphasize the fact, she sniffed scornfully.

“To be sure! An’ a fine, handsome nose it is, Mrs. Gammit!” replied the woodsman, diplomatically. “But what you don’t appear to know about skunks is that when they’re up to mischief is jest the time when you don’t smell ’em. Ye got to bear that in mind!”

Mrs. Gammit looked at him with suspicion.

“Be that reelly so?” demanded she, sternly.

“True’s gospel!” answered Barron. “A skunk ain’t got no smell unless he’s a mind to.”

“Well,” said she, “I guess it ain’t no skunk, anyhow. I kind o’ feel it in my bones ’tain’t no skunk, smell or no smell.”

The woodsman looked puzzled. He had not imagined her capable of such unreasoning obstinacy. He began to wonder if he had overrated her intelligence.

“Then I give it up, Mrs. Gammit,” said he, with an air of having lost all interest in the problem.

But that did not suit his visitor at all. Her manner became more conciliatory. Leaning forward, with an almost coaxing look on her face, she murmured–

“I’ve had an idee as how it might be–mind, I don’t say it is, but jest it might be–” and she paused dramatically.

“Might be what?” inquired Barron, with reviving interest.

“Porkypines!” propounded Mrs. Gammit, with a sudden smile of triumph.

Joe Barron neither spoke nor smiled. But in his silence there was something that made Mrs. Gammit uneasy.

“Why not porkypines?” she demanded, her face once more growing severe.

“It might be porkypines as took them aigs o’ yourn, Mrs. Gammit, an’ it might be bumbly-bees!” responded Barron. “But ’tain’t likely!”

Mrs. Gammit snorted at the sarcasm.

“Mebbe,” she sneered, “ye kin tell me why it’s so impossible it could be porkypines. I seen a big porkypine back o’ the barn, only yestiddy. An’ that’s more’n kin be said o’ yer weasels, an’ foxes, an’ skunks, what ye’re so sure about, Mr. Barron.”

“A porkypine ain’t necessarily after aigs jest because he’s back of a barn,” said the woodsman. “An’ anyways, a porkypine don’t eat aigs. He hain’t got the right kind o’ teeth fer them kind o’ vittles. He’s got to have something he kin gnaw on, somethin’ substantial an’ solid–the which he prefers a young branch o’ good tough spruce, though it do make his meat kinder strong. No, Mrs. Gammit, it ain’t no porkypine what’s stealin’ yer aigs, take my word fer it. An’ the more I think o’ it the surer I be that it’s a weasel. When a weasel learns to suck aigs, he gits powerful cute. Ye’ll have to be right smart, I’m telling ye, to trap him.”

During this argument of Barron’s his obstinate and offended listener had become quite convinced of the justice of her own conclusions. The sarcasm had settled it. She knew, now, that she had been right all along in her suspicion of the porcupines. And with this certainty her indignation suddenly disappeared. It is such a comfort to be certain. So now, instead of flinging his ignorance in his face, she pretended to be convinced–remembering that she needed his advice as to how to trap the presumptuous porcupine.

“Well, Mr. Barron,” said she, with the air of one who would take defeat gracefully, “supposin’ ye’re right–an’ ye’d oughter know–how would ye go about ketchin’ them weasels?”

Pleased at this sudden return to sweet reasonableness, the woodsman once more grew interested.

“I reckon we kin fix that!” said he, confidently and cordially. “I’ll give ye three of my little mink traps. There’s holes, I reckon, under the back an’ sides o’ the shed, or barn, or wherever it is that the hens have their nests?”

“Nat’rally!” responded Mrs. Gammit. “The thieves ain’t agoin’ to come in by the front doors, right under my nose, be they?”

“Of course,” assented the woodsman. “Well, you jest set them ’ere traps in three o’ them holes, well under the sills an’ out o’ the way. Don’t go fer to bait’em, mind, or Mr. Weasel’ll git to suspicionin’ somethin’, right off. Jest sprinkle bits of straw, an’ hayseed, an’ sech rubbish over ’em, so it all looks no ways out o’ the ordinary. You do this right, Mrs. Gammit; an’ first thing ye know ye’ll have yer thief. I’ll git the traps right now, an’ show ye how to set ’em.”

And as Mrs. Gammit walked away with the three steel traps under her arm, she muttered to herself–

“Yes, Joe Barron, an’ I’ll show ye the thief. An’ he’ll have quills on him, sech as no weasel ain’t never had on him, I reckon.”

On her return, Mrs. Gammit was greeted by the sound of high excitement among the poultry. They were all cackling wildly, and craning their necks to stare into the shed as if they had just seen a ghost there. Mrs. Gammit ran in to discover what all the fuss was about. The place was empty; but a smashed egg lay just outside one of the nests, and a generous tuft of fresh feathers showed her that there had been a tussle of some kind. Indignant but curious, Mrs. Gammit picked up the feathers, and examined them with discriminating eyes to see which hen had suffered the loss.

“Lands sakes!” she exclaimed presently, “ef ’tain’t the old rooster! He’s made a fight fer that ’ere aig! Lucky he didn’t git stuck full o’ quills!”

Then, for perhaps the hundredth time, she ran fiercely and noisily behind the barn, in the hope of surprising the enemy. Of course she surprised nothing which Nature had endowed with even the merest apology for eyes and ears; and a cat-bird in the choke-cherry bushes squawked at her derisively. Stealth was one of the things which Mrs. Gammit did not easily achieve. Staring defiantly about her, her eyes fell upon a dark, bunchy creature in the top of an old hemlock at the other side of the fence. Seemingly quite indifferent to her vehement existence, and engrossed in its own affairs, it was crawling out upon a high branch and gnawing, in a casual way, at the young twigs as it went.

“Ah, ha! What did I tell ye? I knowed all along as how it was a porkypine!” exclaimed Mrs. Gammit, triumphantly, as if Joe Barron could hear her across eight miles of woods. Then, as she eyed the imperturbable animal on the limb above her, her face flushed with quick rage, and snatching up a stone about the size of her fist she hurled it at him with all her strength.

In a calmer moment she would never have done this–not because it was rude, but because she had a conviction, based on her own experience, that a stone would hit anything rather than what it was aimed at. And in the present instance she found no reason to change her views on the subject. The stone did not hit the porcupine. It did not, even for one moment, distract his attention from the hemlock twigs. Instead of that, it struck a low branch, on the other side of the tree, and bounced back briskly upon Mrs. Gammit’s toes.

With a hoarse squeak of surprise and pain the good lady jumped backwards, and hopped for some seconds on one foot while she gripped the other with both hands. It was a sharp and disconcerting blow. As the pain subsided a concentrated fury took its place. The porcupine was now staring down at her, in mild wonder at her inexplicable gyrations. She glared up at him, and the tufts of grey hair about her sunbonnet seemed to rise and stand rigid.

“Ye think ye’re smart!” she muttered through her set teeth. “But I’ll fix ye fer that! Jest you wait!” And turning on her heel she stalked back to the house. The big, brown teapot was on the back of the stove, where it had stood since breakfast, with a brew rust-red and bitter-strong enough to tan a moose-hide. Not until she had reheated it and consumed five cups, sweetened with molasses, did she recover any measure of self-complacency.

That same evening, when the last of the sunset was fading in pale violet over the stump pasture and her two cow-bells were tonk-tonking softly along the edge of the dim alder swamp, Mrs. Gammit stealthily placed the traps according to the woodsman’s directions. Between the massive logs which formed the foundations of the barn and shed, there were openings numerous enough, and some of them spacious enough, almost, to admit a bear–a very small, emaciated bear. Selecting three of these, which somehow seemed to her fancy particularly adapted to catch a porcupine’s taste, she set the traps, tied them, and covered them lightly with fine rubbish so that, as she murmured to herself when all was done, “everythin’ looked as nat’ral as nawthin’.” Then, when her evening chores were finished, she betook herself to her slumbers, in calm confidence that in the morning she would find one or more porcupines in the trap.

Having a clear conscience and a fine appetite, in spite of the potency of her tea Mrs. Gammit slept soundly. Nevertheless, along toward dawn, in that hour when dream and fact confuse themselves, her nightcapped ears became aware of a strange sound in the yard. She snorted impatiently and sat up in bed. Could some beneficent creature of the night be out there sawing wood for her? It sounded like it. But she rejected the idea at once. Rubbing her eyes with both fists, she crept to the window and looked out.

There was a round moon in the sky, shining over the roof of the barn, and the yard was full of a white, witchy radiance. In the middle of it crouched two big porcupines, gnawing assiduously at a small wooden tub. The noise of their busy teeth on the hard wood rang loud upon the stillness, and a low tonk-a-tonk of cow-bells came from the pasture as the cows lifted their heads to listen.

The tub was a perfectly good tub, and Mrs. Gammit was indignant at seeing it eaten. It had contained salt herrings; and she intended, after getting the flavour of fish scoured out of it, to use it for packing her winter’s butter. She did not know that it was for the sake of its salty flavour that the porcupines were gnawing at it, but leaped to the conclusion that their sole object was to annoy and persecute herself.

“Shoo! Shoo!” she cried, snatching off her nightcap and flapping it at them frantically. But the animals were too busy to even look up at her. The only sign they gave of having heard her was to raise their quills straight on end so that their size apparently doubled itself all at once.

Mrs. Gammit felt herself wronged. As she turned and ran downstairs she muttered, “First it’s me aigs–an’ now it’s me little tub–an’ Lordy knows what it’s goin’ to be next!” Then her dauntless spirit flamed up again, and she snapped, “But there ain’t agoin’ to be no next!” and cast her eyes about her for the broom.

Of course, at this moment, when it was most needed, that usually exemplary article was not where it ought to have been–standing beside the dresser. Having no time to look for it, Mrs. Gammit snatched up the potato-masher, and rushed forth into the moonlight with a gurgling yell, resolved to save the tub.

She was a formidable figure as she charged down the yard, and at ordinary times the porcupines might have given way. But when a porcupine has found something it really likes to eat, its courage is superb. These two porcupines found the herring-tub delicious beyond anything they had ever tasted. Reluctantly they stopped gnawing for a moment, and turned their little twinkling eyes upon Mrs. Gammit in sullen defiance.

Now this was by no means what she had expected, and the ferocity of her attack slackened. Had it been a lynx, or even a bear, her courage would probably not have failed her. Had it been a man, a desperado with knife in hand and murder in his eyes, she would have flown upon him in contemptuous fury. But porcupines were different. They were mysterious to her. She believed firmly that they could shoot their quills, like arrows, to a distance of ten feet. She had a swift vision of herself stuck full of quills, like a pincushion. At a distance of eleven feet she stopped abruptly, and hurled the potato-masher with a deadly energy which carried it clean over the barn. Then the porcupines resumed their feasting, while she stared at them helplessly. Two large tears of rage brimmed her eyes, and rolled down her battered cheeks; and backing off a few paces she sat down upon the saw-horse to consider the situation.

But never would Mrs. Gammit have been what she was had she been capable of acknowledging defeat. In a very few moments her resourceful wits reasserted themselves.

“Queer!” she mused. “One don’t never kinder seem to hit what one aims at! But one always hits somethin’! Leastways, I do! If I jest fling enough things, an’ keep on aflingin’, I might hit a porkypine jest as well as anything else. There ain’t nawthin’ onnateral about a porkypine, to keep one from hitt’n’ him, I reckon.”

The wood-pile was close by; and the wood, which she had sawed and split for the kitchen stove, was of just the handy size. She was careful, now, not to take aim, but imagined herself anxious to establish a new wood-pile, in haste, just about where that sound of insolent gnawing was disturbing the night. In a moment a shower of sizable firewood was dropping all about the herring-tub.

The effect was instantaneous. The gnawing stopped, and the porcupines glanced about uneasily. A stick fell plump upon the bottom of the tub, staving it in. The porcupines backed away and eyed it with grieved suspicion. Another stick struck it on the side, so that it bounced like a jumping, live thing, and hit one of the porcupines sharply, rolling him over on his back. Instantly his valiant quills went down quite flat; and as he wriggled to his feet with a squeak of alarm, he looked all at once little and lean and dark, like a wet hen. Mrs. Gammit smiled grimly.