Confessions of a Gym Mistress

“That’s terrible!” Geoffrey sounds comfortingly horror-struck. “Why didn’t you call a policeman?”

“Because there wasn’t one! They must all have been helping drag you back to the cells.”

“Oh dear. It had been quite a nice evening up until then, hadn’t it?”

“How did the breathalyser test go?” I ask.

“Positive.” Geoffrey shudders. “That was horrible too. They take your blood, you know. It’s not just a question of blowing into that bag. I took one look at the hypodermic and passed clean out. When I woke up I was covered in blood.”

“Geoffrey!”

“I’d banged my nose on the counter as I went down.”

“That’s terrible, Geoffrey. Are you all right, now?”

“My nose has stopped bleeding, yes. Now it’s just the charges.”

“Charges?”

“Drunken driving, gross indecency and causing a public disturbance. I think they might drop the last two if I buy them a new mat. I bled all over the last one.”

I am speechless. Geoffrey deserved some reprimand for leaving me alone at the mercy of that terrible man in a plastic mac—he kept telling me he was a bank manager, I wonder why?—but this is surely too much.

“What did your mother say?” I ask.

“She’s terribly upset. She’s been to see a solicitor and made me an appointment with a psychiatrist.”

Typical, I think. With Mrs Wilkes everyone is guilty until they are proved innocent. After that they are guilty again.

“I don’t know what to say, Geoffrey,” I bleat. “If there’s anything I can do to help you must let me know—send you a cake, that kind of thing.”

“Well, I—er—I don’t really know how to ask you this but I was hoping you might give evidence at the trial, if it comes to that.”

“Geoffrey, you know I’m in the middle of trying to get a job as a school teacher.”

“Yes, but—”

“And at a private school, too. It might be different if it was a comprehensive.”

“But without you, Rosie, there’s no one to prove that I wasn’t—that I’m not—”

“It’s not the end of the world,” I say soothingly. “People are much more broad-minded about sexual abnormality these days. Of course, there may be a few eyebrows raised at the tennis club but they’ll soon get used to the idea. You may even find that it takes the pressure off your tennis. You won’t be worrying about your game so much.”

“But, Rosie—”

“I must go, Geoffrey. I’ve got to ring the headmistress about this job. You know how important it is to me. Good luck with the—with everything. Give my regards to your mother.”

“She’d like to have a word—”

“I wouldn’t bother to ring up in the next few days because we’re having the house rewired and the phone is being disconnected.”

“But you don’t—”

“Goodbye, Geoffrey. Thanks for taking me out.” I put the phone down quickly and start dialling the St Rodence number. Whatever happens, I must not let Geoffrey’s misfortunes undermine my confidence.

The number rings for a long time and I am just beginning to wonder if I have the right one when the dialling tone stops and a fruity voice says,

“Geood morning. St Rodence School. Headmistress’ secretary speaking.”

“Good morning. My name is Rose Dixon. I think Miss Grimshaw is expecting me to get in touch with her regarding a j—a position she needs filling.” “Job” doesn’t sound very posh, does it?

“Heold eon, please.” There is a rustling of papers followed by what sounds like a bottle falling over and a muffled oath. “I’m seorry to keep you waiting. You’ve caught us in the middle of elevenses.” I hear a belch and a burst of uncontrolled laughter.

“I’m sorry. Would it be better if I rang back?”

“Neo, it’s quite all right. I’m just looking for the appointments book. Ah, here it is. Underneath this—” The voice exhibits signs of strain and there is a sound like a heavy body falling to the floor “—pile. Neow, where are we? Ah, yes. How does tomorrow suit you?”

And that is how, the next day, I find myself sitting on the 10.32 out of Waterloo. It was originally the 9.12 but that had to be combined with the 7.37 when the driver went off on a cheap day trip to Clacton. It must be very difficult running the railways.

Little Rogering does not have a station and to get there you have to catch a bus from Pokeham which does not have a station either but is where the bus from Fudgely drops you. I am glad that Penny is meeting me with a car.

The journey down is uneventful and I am not attacked by anyone. You may think that I am being fanciful but it is amazing how often men expose themselves to me. I think I must throw out some kind of electrical impulse that activates the front of their trousers. It is just like garage doors sliding open sometimes.

The countryside outside the window is rolling and wooded and I get quite excited as I see all those exotic names I have only read about in divorce actions: Guildford, Godalming, Haslemere. I can’t really believe that a posh school like St Rodence will accept a simple girl from Chingford—or West Woodford as Mum prefers to call it. The whole thing is probably just a dream. Anyway, it will make a nice day in the country.

“Fudgely. Change here for Milldrew and all stations to Rotting Parva.”

Here already? It seemed only a second ago we were pulling out of Petersfield. I grab my bag and stumble out into the corridor. Beside me are two girls wearing gymslips. It is funny but they look just like the two girls wearing tank tops and sequined hot pants who were waiting outside the toilet when I wanted to get in. Not quite as much eye make-up, though.

“Oh, well, back to the crummy old dump,” sighs one of them. “Still, at least we’ve got a few memories.”

“You bet,” sighs the other one. “You can’t beat the Yanks when it comes to lobbing the lolly about.” They push in front of me and jump off the train while it is still moving. I can hear them shouting for a taxi as they run out of the station.

“Rosie, darling!” Penny comes out of the refreshment room with a glass of gin and tonic in her hands and kisses me on both cheeks. She is very upper class like that. “I never expected the train to be on time. Let me look at you. You look ghastly! Where did you get that suit from? You don’t look old enough to have been in the land army.”

“I got it specially,” I say, feeling hurt. “I thought I’d better turn up in something fairly sober.”

“Sober!?” Penny knocks back her drink and hands the glass to a surprised porter. “That’s enough to put you off the stuff for life. You could be mistaken for a member of the staff wearing that.”

“That’s the idea,” I say.

“I know, I know. I was only teasing. Grimmers will love you—if she can see you. She’s been knocking it back a bit lately.”

“She drinks?” I say.

“Like a fish. You can’t blame her though. My God, I’d drink if I didn’t have sex to keep me going.” Penny smiles at the man on the barrier and pushes me towards a battered sports car. “You kept your ticket, didn’t you? Good. You can use it again next time.”

“If there is a next time,” I say.