The Surprising Adventures of Baron Munchausen / Приключения барона Мюнхгаузена. Уровень 1

It’s so easy! My resourcefulness helped me again. I killed some ducks, and we began to descend slowly – just into the chimney of my kitchen! My cook was very surprised.

Wild Pigs are Dangerous

Chance and good luck often correct our mistakes. Soon after that, in the depth of a forest, I saw a little wild pig and a sow. They were running close behind each other. I shot. The little wild pig ran away, and the sow stood motionless, as fixed to the ground. It was an old sow, blind with age, which took hold of the little pig’s tail. My ball passed between these two pigs. It cut the tail, which the old sow continued to hold in its mouth. The sow’s former guide did not draw it on any longer, it had stopped of course. I therefore took the remaining end of the little pig’s tail, and led the old beast home without any trouble. The old animal was absolutely helpless.

But these wild sows are very terrible. The boars are fierce and dangerous. One of them I had once the misfortune to meet in a forest. I was unprepared for attack or defense. I retired behind an oak-tree just when the furious animal jumped at me, with such force, that his tusks pierced through the tree. So it could neither repeat the blow nor retire. Ho, ho! thought I, I hammered and bent its tusks in such a manner, that it could not retreat by any means. Then I went to the village for ropes and a cart. And I carried the boar home safe and alive!

Saint Hubert’s Stag

You heard, I think, of the hunter and the saint and protector, St. Hubert[11 - St. Hubert – св. Герберт (покровитель охотников)], and of the noble stag, which appeared to him in the forest, with the holy cross between its antlers. I saw this stag a thousand times, either painted or embroidered. I hardly know whether such ever lived. But let me rather tell what I saw myself.

One day I was walking in the wood and eating cherries. Suddenly I found myself unexpectedly in presence of a stately stag. The stag was looking at me as if it knew of my empty pouches. I charged immediately with powder, and upon it a good handful of cherry-stones[12 - cherry-stones – вишнёвые косточки]. Then I shot at the stag, and hit him just on the middle of the forehead, between his antlers. It stunned the stag – it staggered and ran away. A year or two after, I saw in the same forest, and I beheld a stag with a fine full grown cherry-tree above ten feet high between its antlers. I immediately recollected my former adventure, looked at the stag, and brought it to the ground by one shot. It at once gave me the haunch and cherry-sauce; for the tree was covered with the fruit.

Who knows but some hunter, or abbot or bishop, could shoot, and fix the cross between the antlers of St. Hubert’s stag, in a manner similar to this?

An Amazing Eight-Legged Hare

One day I was chasing an unusual hare. The hare was wonderfully fleet-footed[13 - fleet-footed – быстроногий]. It was running on and on, and never stopped to rest. I chased it for two days. I was riding my horse, and could not catch it.

My faithful dog kept pace with the hare, but I could not get closer. On the third day, I finally shot the damnable hare.

As soon as he fell on the grass, I jumped off my horse and rushed to examine him. You can imagine my surprise, gentlemen. That hare, in addition to its usual legs, had spare ones. It had four legs on its stomach and four on its back!

Oh yes, it had good, strong legs on its back. When the lower legs got tired, the hare rolled over on its back, and continued to run using the spare legs.

No wonder I’d been chasing the hare for three days[14 - I’d been chasing the hare for three days – я гонялся за зайцем три дня] like a madman!

The Baron and the Bear

What do you say of this, for example? It was in a Polish forest. When I was going home a terrible bear appeared, with open mouth, ready to fall upon me. I searched for powder and ball, but in vain; I found nothing but two spare flints. One I flung with all my might into the bear’s open jaws, down his throat. It gave the bear pain and made it turn about. I threw the second flint at his back-door, which, indeed, I did with wonderful success. It flew in, met the first flint in the stomach, struck fire, and blew up the bear with a terrible explosion!

The Wolf, Which the Baron Turns Inside Out[15 - to turn inside out – выворачивать наизнанку]

That time the fiercest and most dangerous animals generally came upon me. For example, a frightful wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, that I could do nothing but thrust my fist into his open mouth. I pushed on and on, till my arm was fairly in up to the shoulder.

How could I disengage myself? I was not much pleased with my awkward situation – with a wolf face to face. I saw its flaming eyes. So I laid hold of his tail, turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him to the ground, where I left him.

The Mad Fur Coat

The same expedient did not work against a mad dog, which soon after came running against me in a narrow street at St. Petersburg. I threw off my fur coat[16 - fur coat – шуба], and was safe at home in an instant. I sent my servant for the cloak, and he put it in the wardrobe with my other clothes. The day after I was amazed and frightened.

“For God’s sake[17 - for God’s sake – ради бога], sir, your fur coat is mad!” my servant cried.

I hastened up to him. All my clothes were tossed about and torn to pieces. The servant was perfectly right in his apprehensions about the fur coat’s madness. I took my gun and shot. The mad fur coat became still. I put it in a separate wardrobe.

And my coat was very quiet and did not bite anybody.

My Favourite Hound

Presence of mind and vigorous exertions, gentlemen, that’s all! I shall not discuss the details of my stables, horses, or armoury. But I must mention my favourite dog. It was a greyhound, and I never had or saw a better dog. It was not remarkable for her size, but rather for her uncommon swiftness. It ran so fast, so much, and so long in my service, that it actually ran off her legs. My lovely dog served me very well.

One day I was coursing a hare, which was uncommonly big. And my dog coursed the hare as fast as ever. I could follow it on horseback only at a great distance. At once I heard a cry – but so weak and faint that I hardly knew what to think. I came up to them, and I was greatly surprised. The hare littered in running; the same happened to my dog in coursing. There were just as many leverets as pups. By instinct the former ran, the latter coursed: and thus I found myself in possession at once of six hares, and as many dogs, at the end of a course.

The Baron’s Horse

I remember this, my wonderful dog, with the same pleasure and tenderness as a superb Lithuanian horse, which no money could buy. That horse became mine by an accident. I was at some noble lord’s place, and remained with the ladies at tea in the drawing-room, while the gentlemen were down in the yard, to see a young horse. The horse arrived from the stud. We suddenly heard a noise of distress; I hastened downstairs, and found the horse so unruly, that nobody could approach or mount him.

The most resolute horsemen stood dismayed and aghast. Despondency was expressed in every countenance, when, in one leap[18 - in one leap – одним прыжком], I was on his back. I took him by surprise, and worked him quite into gentleness and obedience. Oh, I was a real master of horsemanship! But I wanted to show this to the ladies, you see. I forced the horse to leap in at one of the open windows of the tea-room, walked round several times, and at last made him mount the tea-table. It was exceedingly pleasing to the ladies, for the horse walked amazingly well, and did not break either cup or saucer.

It placed me so high in their opinion, and so well in the opinion of the noble lord, that, with his usual politeness, he begged me to take this young horse. It was the noble lord’s present.

It was a very agreeable present – a horse so gentle, so spirited, and so fierce! It was my best friend during the Turkish war.

One day the Turks were coming against me in a cloud of dust. I was rather uncertain about their actual numbers and real intentions. The fight was terrible, but we broke them entirely – made a terrible havoc amongst them, and drove back to a walled town in their rear.

The swiftness of my horse enabled me to be the first in the pursuit. I decided to stop in the market-place, and I walked my horse to a well in this market-place, and let him drink. It drank uncommonly, and was not satisfied. Why? I looked round, and what did I see, gentlemen? The hind part of the poor creature – his croup and legs were missing. The horse was cut in two[19 - was cut in two – был разрезан на две части], and the water ran out as it came in. The water did not do my horse any good! How it happened was quite a mystery to me. I returned with him to the town-gate. There I saw, that when I rushed in with the flying enemy, they dropped the portcullis (a heavy door, with sharp spikes at the bottom, it prevents the entrance of an enemy into a fortified town).And it cut off the horse’s hind part, so it still lay on the outside of the gate. I took it immediately and brought to the doctor. He sewed them up with sprigs and young shoots of laurels that were at hand. The wound healed, and the sprigs took root in the horse’s body.

Baron Munchausen Rides a Cannon Ball[20 - a cannon ball – пушечное ядро]

During the war, I was able to ride not only horses, but also cannon balls. One day we were besieging a Turkish city, and our commander wanted to know if there were some guns in that city. But in all our army there was not a single brave man who could sneak into the enemy’s camp.

I was the bravest one, of course. I stood next to a big cannon that was firing. When the cannon ball flew out, I jumped on top of it and dashed forward. Everyone exclaimed:

“Bravo, Bravo, Baron Munchausen!

At first I flew with pleasure, but when the enemy’s city appeared in the distance, I became uneasy. How to get out of there? The enemies will catch me as a spy. No, dear Munchausen, you must go back before it’s too late!

At this moment the Turks fired a counter-ball[21 - a counter-ball – встречное ядро]. It was flying past me. So I got on it and flew back. Of course, during my flight, I carefully counted all the Turkish guns and brought our commander the most accurate information about the enemy’s artillery.

Baron Munchausen Pulls Himself out of a Mire by His Own Hair

Oh yes, during this war I had a lot of adventures. Once I was escaping from the Turks. I tried to jump over a mire on horseback. But the horse was not successful in it, and we fell down into the mire.

We began to sink. There was no escape. The mire sucked us deeper and deeper with terrible speed. My horse’s body disappeared in the stinking mud, my head was sinking as well. And only my pigtail was seen.

What to do? You know, gentlemen, about the amazing strength of my arms. I’m a strong man, indeed. I grabbed myself by this pigtail, and pulled up with all my strength. I pulled both myself and my horse out of the mire. I held my horse tightly with both feet, as if with tongs.

Yes, I lifted both myself and my horse, and if you think it is easy, try it yourself!

The Baron On The Moon

I was not always successful. I had the misfortune to be a prisoner of war; and, what is worse, I was sold for a slave. My daily task was not very hard and laborious, but rather irksome. It was to drive the Sultan’s bees every morning to their pasture-grounds, to attend them all the day long, and at night to drive them back to their hives.

One evening I missed a bee. Two bears caught it to tear it to pieces for the honey it carried. I had nothing in my hands but the silver hatchet, which the Sultan’s gardeners and farmers possessed. I threw it at the bears, with an intention to frighten them away. But the hatchet flew upwards, and continued rising till it reached the moon. How could I recover it? How could I fetch it down again?

I recollected that Turkey-beans[22 - Turkey-beans – турецкие бобы] grow very quick, and run up to an astonishing height. I planted one immediately; it grew, and actually fastened itself to the moon. I climbed up by it into the moon, where I safely arrived, and found my silver hatchet. I found it in a heap of chaff and chopped straw. I was about to return: but, alas! The heat of the sun dried up my bean; it was totally useless for my descent.

I began to twist a rope of that chopped straw. This I fastened to the moon, and slid down to the end of it. But the rope was short. The earth was far away. So I held myself fast with the left hand, and with the hatchet in my right, I cut the long, now useless end of the upper part. I tied it to the lower end, and it brought me down to the Sultan’s garden. I was four or five miles from the earth at least when it broke. I fell to the ground with such amazing violence, that I found myself in a hole nine fathoms deep at least. I did not know how to get out again. However, I dug steps with my finger-nails, and easily accomplished it.