The Mirror of Taste, and Dramatic Censor

Sir W. Ay, Madam, with all my heart; my daughter and all the world shall know it.

Enter Helen

Helen. Here’s a pretty piece of work! – what’s the matter now, I wonder?

Lady W. How dare you overhear our domestic dissentions. What business have you to know we were quarrelling, madam?

Helen. Lord love you! if I had heard it, I should not have listened, for its nothing new, you know, when you’re alone; though you both look so loving in public.

Sir W. That’s true – that is lamentably true – but all the world shall know it – I’ll proclaim it; I’ll print it – I’ll advertise it! – She has usurped my rights and my power; and her fate, as every usurper’s should be, shall be public downfall and disgrace.

Helen. What, papa! and won’t you let mamma-in-law rule the roast any longer?

Sir W. No, – I am resolved from this moment no longer to give way to her absurd whims and wishes.

Helen. You are!

Sir W. Absolutely and immovably.

Helen. And you will venture to contradict her?

Sir W. On every occasion – right or wrong.

Helen. That’s right – Pray, madam, don’t you wish me to marry lord Austencourt?

Lady W. You know my will on that head, Miss Helen!

Helen. Then, papa, of course you wish me to marry Charles Austencourt.

Sir W. What! no such thing – no such thing – what! marry a beggar?

Helen. But you won’t let mamma rule the roast, will you, sir?

Sir W. ’Tis a great match! I believe in that one point we shall still agree —

Lady W. You may spare your persuasions, Madam, and leave the room.

Sir W. What – my daughter leave the room? Stay here, Helen.

Helen. To be sure I shall – I came on purpose to tell you the news! oh, tis a pretty piece of work!

Sir W. What does the girl mean?

Helen. Why, I mean that in order to ruin a poor innocent girl, in our neighbourhood, this amiable lord has prevailed on her to consent to a private marriage – and it now comes out that it was all a mock marriage, performed by a sham priest, and a false license!

Lady W. I don’t believe one word of it.

Sir W. But I do – and shall inquire into it immediately.

Lady W. Such a match for your daughter is not to be relinquished on slight grounds; and though his lordship should have been guilty of some indiscretion, it will not alter my resolution respecting his union with Helen.

Sir W. No – but it will mine – and to prove to you, madam, that however you may rule your household, you shall no longer rule me– if the story has any foundation – I say – she shall not marry lord Austencourt.

Lady W. Shall not?

Sir W. No, Madam, shall not – and so ends your management, and thus begins my career of new-born authority. I’m out of leading-strings now, and madam, I’ll manage you, damn me if – I – do – not! [Exit sir Willoughby.

Helen. (to Lady W) You hear papa’s will on that head, ma’am.

Lady W. I hear nothing! – I see nothing! – I shall go mad with vexation and disappointment, and if I do not break his resolution, I am determined to break his heart; and my own heart, and your heart, and the hearts of all the rest of the family. [Exit.

Helen. There she goes, with a laudable matrimonial resolution. Heigho! with such an example before my eyes, I believe I shall never have resolution to die an old maid. Oh, Charles, Charles – why did you take me at my word! – Bless me! sure I saw him then – ’tis he indeed! So, my gentleman, are you there? I’ll just retire and watch his motions a little (retires.)

Enter Charles Austencourt, cautiously

Charles. What a pretty state am I reduced to? though I am resolved to speak with this ungrateful girl but once more before I leave her for ever; here am I, skulking under the enemy’s batteries as though I was afraid of an encounter! – Yes, I’ll see her, upbraid her, and then leave her for ever! heigho! she’s a false, deceitful – dear, bewitching girl, and – however, I am resolved that nothing on earth – not even her tears, shall now induce me to forgive her. (Tiffany crosses the stage.)

Charles. Ha! – harkye, young woman! pray are the family at home?

Tiffany. My lady is at home, sir – would you please to see her?

Charles. Your lady – do you mean your young lady?

Tiffany. No, sir, I mean my lady.

Charles. What, your old lady? – No – I don’t wish to see her. Are all the rest of the family from home —

Tiffany. No, sir – sir Willoughby is within – I’ll tell him you are here. (going.)

Charles. By no means – stay – stay! what then, they are all at home except Miss Helen.

Tiffany. She’s at home too, sir – but I suppose she don’t wish to see you.

Charles.You suppose!

Tiffany. I’m sure she’s been in a monstrous ill-humour ever since you came back, sir.

Charles. The devil she has! – and pray now are you of opinion that my return is the cause of her ill-humour?

Tiffany. Lord, sir – what interest have I in knowing such things? —

Charles. Interest! – oh, ho! the old story! why harkye, my dear – your mistress has a lord for her lover, so I suppose he has secured a warmer interest than I can afford to purchase – however, I know the custom, and thus I comply with it, in hopes you will tell me whether you really think my return has caused your young mistress’ ill-humour – (gives money).

Tiffany. A guinea! well! I declare! why really, sir – when I say Miss Helen has been out of humour on your account, I don’t mean to say it is on account of your return, but on account of your going away again —

Charles. No! my dear Tiffany!

Tiffany. And I am sure I don’t wonder at her being cross about it, for if I was my mistress I never would listen with patience (any more than she does) to such a disagreeable creature as my lord, while such a generous nice gentleman as you was ready to make love to me.