The Park Bench Test

“There must be something wrong with it. Why are the owners selling?”

“I’m not sure. They’ve just had a baby so they’re probably looking for somewhere bigger.”

“There you go – tell Alex you want to wait and find something bigger.”

“But we can’t afford anything bigger.”

“Exactly. Tell him you want to wait and save up a bit more money so you can get something a bit bigger. So that when you have kids you won’t have to move. That’ll be enough to put the wind up him!” she laughs.

Now I don’t know what frightens me more – the thought of buying a house with someone who might not be Mr Right, or the thought of having children with him.

“It might work, I guess.”

CHAPTER EIGHT (#u1d9f1cbe-faa7-5737-bbf0-df3cb6fdfa4f)

Let’s fall in love –

In our mid thirties

It’s not only

Where the hurt is.

…

We’ll make the whole thing

Hard and bright

We’ll call it love –

We may be right.

‘The Proposal’, Tom Vaughan

Great minds think alike.

On reflection, Alex thinks we should save for longer too. He thinks we should spend the money we have saved so far on something else.

On getting married.

They say there comes a point in your life when you know you’ve met the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

By the same rule, I can now confirm there comes a point when you know for sure you haven’t.

And when your boyfriend is knelt in front of you holding out a sparkling platinum and diamond engagement ring and asking you to marry him is not, you might say, the ideal moment for it to happen.

Alex is not Mr Right.

Why?

I don’t know.

I just know.

CHAPTER NINE (#u1d9f1cbe-faa7-5737-bbf0-df3cb6fdfa4f)

My true love hath my heart, and I have his.

‘The Bargain’, Sir Philip Sidney (1554-1586)

Have you ever broken somebody’s heart?

It’s horrible. I think I’d rather have my own heart broken. I think it would hurt less.

Telling Alex I can’t marry him is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I don’t have to say the words. My eyes tell him for me, when they fill with tears. Not the happy kind.

“You don’t want to marry me, do you?” he asks quietly, clutching the ring in his hand.

I shake my head.

“But it’s not because I don’t love you.” It seems like such a stupid thing to say. Do I think it will soften the blow somehow? A consolation prize of sorts? Hard luck mate, she won’t marry you, but on the plus side, she does love you.

“Then why?”

It’s a fair question.

“I don’t know. I just can’t.” As answers go it’s inadequate. But it’s the only one I have.

Of course, saying yes would have been easier. Because I do love Alex. And I know we could have a good life together. And I am scared I won’t ever meet that person I seem to have convinced myself I’m meant to be with – that person I think I might love more than I love Alex. But I also know if I did marry Alex, then I’d be settling. And we both deserve more than that.

The next day I move out.

CHAPTER TEN (#u1d9f1cbe-faa7-5737-bbf0-df3cb6fdfa4f)

The minute I heard my first love story

I started looking for you, not knowing

How blind that was

Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere

They’re in each other all along

Jabal ad-Din ar-Rumi (1207 – 1273)