Family Sins

“I can’t begin to know what you’re feeling, Mama. I grieve from the standpoint of a son, but I know he was your life and you were his. We love you so much. Just hang on to that fact while you find a new way to be in this world.”

Leigh leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment before she could gather herself to speak.

“When did you get so smart?” she asked, and then felt him shrug.

“She didn’t die, but when I lost Talia, I didn’t know how to be here without her. I had to find new footing. It’s why I left.”

Leigh wiped her eyes and blew her nose as her mother instinct kicked in. This was something they’d all known, but since he’d never talked of it to them, they’d respected that choice. This opened the door.

“What happened, son? We wondered. All of us did. We were so sad for your heartache, but as sorry as we were to see you go, we understood.”

“I asked her to marry me. She said no without an explanation. It was a shock, and it broke my heart. I grew up and got over it.”

Leigh turned to him then, and even though it was dark, she saw enough—from the set of his jaw to the way he looked everywhere but at her—to know that wasn’t true.

“Did you really get over it?” she asked.

“I thought so. Until I heard Aunt Polly talking about Talia and her dad.”

“Are you going to go see her?”

Bowie was silent for a few moments.

“I think I have to,” he finally said.

“What if you find out you still care for her?”

“It won’t matter, not if she’s moved on,” he said.

“And if she didn’t forget?”

“I’m not sure.”

Leigh patted his hand.

“If you love someone with all your heart and you walk away, your life will never be as it was meant to be. You will always be unhappy. You will never be rich enough or successful enough to fill that void. Love matters, Bowie. It matters most of all.”

He heard, but he didn’t have the composure to comment.

His mother must have sensed his dilemma, because she changed the subject and kept talking.

“I’ll need a lot of groceries in the next couple of days,” she said. “If I make a list, will you go shopping for me? I don’t want to go to Eden and face the comments.”

“I’ll do anything you need of me, Mama. It’s why I’m here.”

“Okay, then I also need one more favor.”

“Absolutely. What do you want?”

“I want you to go to Talia’s house, knock on her door and follow your heart to wherever it leads you. But don’t do this for me. Do it for yourself and for her.”

The skin crawled on the back of Bowie’s neck. It had taken him so long to bury that pain, but he knew she was right.

“I’ll go,” he said.

“Good,” Leigh said, and then pointed toward the east. “Look, the sky is getting lighter. It will be daylight soon. Jesse will do the chores later if you’ll go with him to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself.”

“Sure thing,” Bowie said, and then thought about what would happen here when he was gone. “Can you take care of Jesse by yourself?”

Leigh tossed her head and then stood abruptly.

“I can do anything I have to. God gave Jesse to me twice. Once when he was born, and once when He saved Jesse’s life. I’ve thought all night about this very thing, and I’ve come to a conclusion that gives me ease. God knew I was going to lose Stanton. That’s why Jesse came home from the war this way. He knew I would need purpose or I would die from a broken heart. As long as I have Jesse, I have purpose. It isn’t what I would have wanted, but it’s what I have been given. I’m going to start breakfast. Biscuits or pancakes?”

“Biscuits, please. No one makes biscuits as good as you do.”

Leigh ran her fingers through the thick length of Bowie’s hair.

“I love you with all my heart,” she said softly, and went inside, leaving Bowie alone in the swing.

* * *

Talia’s sleep was restless. She slept on a cot beside her father’s bed, and every moan he made, every creak of the bed springs, had her up on her feet within seconds.

Before hospice stepped in, she’d been in constant fear that he would roll out of bed. Hospice had helped her get a hospital bed, and then she’d moved him from the bedroom at the back of the house to the living room up front. Now it was easier for her to care for him, and cook and do laundry, as well. And, with the hospital bed, she no longer had to be afraid he would fall.

Still, every sound he made had her up and checking to be sure he wasn’t choking, or if she needed to change his diaper before he messed up his bed. Even though he was a shadow of his former self, he was still heavy. She didn’t know how much longer she could hold on, and seeing Bowie after all these years had been a bitter reminder of what she’d lost.

After tossing and turning for hours, she got up and dressed, ran a brush through her hair and then tied it back out of her face. Her feet were dragging when she went to start the coffee. She needed to eat, but the thought of food turned her stomach, so she started the coffee and then went to check on Marshall.

His chest was barely moving, but his eyelids were fluttering. She wondered what he was seeing. Mama, she hoped, or maybe angels.

Daddy was dying.

She didn’t want him to be afraid.

* * *

It was after ten when Bowie drove into Eden in Stanton’s truck. It smelled like Stanton’s aftershave, and there were bits of paper with notes he had written to himself all over the seat. Bowie picked them up and dropped them into the console without reading them. It was hard enough to accept he was gone without all the tangible bits and pieces he’d left behind.

Bowie had his mother’s list in his pocket, but his thoughts were on Talia. If he was honest with himself, he was afraid—afraid to find out that her father’s illness had nothing to do with her telling him no.

The supermarket was busy, and because he didn’t know the layout of the store, it took longer than he’d intended to get everything. More than once someone stopped him to ask about his mother and send their condolences. After the sixth or seventh time he got cornered in an aisle, he understood his mother’s reluctance to do this herself.